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…wrong! Opening lines to Jacket Hangs by The Blue Aeroplanes? Remember seeing them open a show with this once. The rest of the band (all 83 guitarists) line up with their backs to the audience, Gerard walks up to the mic, speaks that line, then chucks a pack of cards up into the air above the...

A grand piece of pre-Falmer publicity, constructed by putting a few vague and unrelated platitudes with no substance together into a splash Max Clifford would be proud of. Gets the club, investment and Falmer nicely into the public eye as the decision nears. Look, I've just done my own: TV...

There's no substance to this story – prod it and it falls over. Pretty much the most concrete thing about it is Ardiles saying "I'd quite like to stay involved in football." Well, bugger me. It's like Pete Doherty mentioning he likes a drink of an evening, and the press turning this into a...

Go. Spend the whole game relentlessly leaping up and trying to start lame "Seaweed" chants, each and every time laughing loudly at how witty 'us' Palace fans are, until even the troglodytes start cringing. Then do it some more.

Even spookier is the fact that the receptionists in Dick Knight's office, Margery and Tina, are both prone to a good weep every time the Albion lose. Dick regularly hands the hankies out with the immortal words, "Don't cry for me Marge and Tina." (Gag nicked from The Goodies.)

Jogger's soggy logger

Has the potential, but the weight of expectation could be crippling. At least he's not another middle-class mummy's boy like Henman. Not sure he'll ever be as good as Top Three/Wimbledon winner, but I reckon he could get very close.

Bryan Adams I'm gonna run to you… in my pants S Club 7 Reach… in my pants The Waterboys The whole of the moon… in my pants

From beginning of October the heating is on full crank all day in this office, even when it's warm outside. There's no way to turn it down as it's all controlled centrally somewhere. The only answer is to open a few windows and get some fresh (well, fresh for central London) air in. Trouble...

Of course not.

Replying to this threa…

1) I'm broke – my girlfriend's currently out of work so one salary is supporting both of us. 2) Being herded in totally the wrong direction (for me) for hours wasn't fun last time, and it'll be even worse if they try and do it again at 10pm on a weekday. Even if I escape the cordon it's...

It's certainly not a poultry amount.

Wins and losses. Draws are where it's at these days.

I bought a £30 top from Debenhams on storecard earlier this month, and paid it off two days ago. By internet banking. Except I accidentally pressed £300 instead of £30. So now I'm broke, and while Debenhams are going to (eventually) refund me the £270 difference, that was an extremely...

Possible titles: Look who's chalking A chalk on the wild side Chalk & Mindy

God yeah. My girlfriend insists on watching the full 2 hour back-to-back soapathon of Emmerdale, Corrie, EastEnders, Corrie. :angry: :yawn: :angry: :yawn: :nono: :eek: :angry: :nono: :yawn:

In my experience, yes. I met a girl three weeks before I moved from London to Edinburgh. Despite being 400 miles apart for over a year, the relationship blossomed, and we're still together four years on (though now together in Maidenhead!). In fact, if I'm honest, I slightly prefer a distance...

Predictions please. Another 5 game month. From September we got 4 points from 5 games, just shy of the 6 points a month target. Norwich (H): 3pts Cardiff (H): 1pt Palace (A): 1pt Sheff Wed (A): 3pts Ipswich (H): 0pts Total: 8pts

Actually, being both a pedant and a perv, I can tell you've got them wrong! Your number 3 should be Nadine not Nicole. (While Nicola (with an 'a') is your number 6, ginger.) Personally: 1 Nadine (GA) 2 Cheryl (GA) 3 Heidi (SB) 4 Nicola (GA) 5 Sarah (GA) 6 Kimberley (GA) 7 Keisha (SB) 8 Mutya (SB)