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Only today I managed to poke myself in the eye answering the phone. (I put it into my eye instead of the textbook "next to the ear" fashion). It really hurt.

It's a particularly fabulous attitude that we British have, isn't it? "Would you like to host the world's greatest sporting spectacle? To invite the finest athletes on the planet to fight it out for supremacy in your city? For records to be broken and for amazing new facilities to be built...

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow a few years ago which finished in a tie. So the quiz master decided to organise a "dance off" with one member of the top two teams... and the rest of the pub voting on who was the best dancer and would win the £50 of free beer. The first bloke got up, danced...

I've had A glass. Of beer. The joy of working shifts between 1-9 is that your lunch break can be taken at 6.30pm. However you can only go for an hour, and you have to be sober when you get back.

Can I please just mention the Nackington Road End? I think it's funny.

The place is a bit of a joke really. That new club that's supposed to be Brighton's answer to Chinawhite? Ho hum.

What he said.

Hang on. Mick Beard? You mean PC BEARD -- The ACTUAL PC BEARD -- IS NOW THE EDITOR OF THE ARGUS? :nono:

Is Alan Pook still their manager? He's a ****.

No. The town.

Halifax.

Yes, so do I. It's next to that level crossing.

£30 quid a month... for that you get the nice new Carlisle council gym as much as you want, a swimming pool (in a separate building) as much as you want, and free golf on the council's one course and its driving range. Which is pretty damn good.

Here's an idea. Let's buy shares in Sunderland. When they get to the Prem the share price will ROCKET. The day after promotion day we can flog 'em and give the cash to A&K. Or we can spend it on sweets. Or something.

You said that manager "walked out shortly afterwards" I reckon it was MARTIN PERRY and STEVE COPPELL. Is this true?

The FA says it's duty-bound under its customer charter to respond within three working days. Probably won't be as quick as the time I managed to get Prosser sacked by the Football League, but here's hoping, eh? :)

September 11th. Queen Mum's death. Tsunami. Radio 1's response to each one? Play Coldplay.

Just sent posted this via the FA "comments form" on its website (http://www.thefa.com/TheFA/ContactUs/Postings/2004/06/Customer_Relations): I simply cannot believe that the FA has fined Brighton and Hove Albion TEN THOUSAND POUNDS for the fracas at West Ham. Can you blazer-wearing cretins...

Ten. Thousand. Pounds? Ok, I wasn't at the game so didn't see it, but f***ing HELL. That's basically all the money raised by the club's appeal fund so far, isn't it? This is outrageous. I'm writing to Brian Barwick.

I'd like to suggest we have a minute's silence, to mourn the passing of the traditional "two minutes' silence" which used to be good enough to remember everyone who's ever died serving their country. Who's gonna join in?