[Humour] Great comedy lines

[Is it PotG?]

We're witnesses, not suspects. Now stop making a tit of yourself and piss off.

 

[Badger]

Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

 

[vegster]

Mae West (allegedly):

When I'm good, I'm very, very good but when I'm bad, I'm better.

Is that a gun you've got in your pocket or are you glad to see me.

Famously, when told about "All in Wrestling " she said " Surely, if its all in, why wrestle " ?

 

[Is it PotG?]

You know, it's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz, cause the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner.

 

[Blue3]

Given a choice I’d go minger every time

 

[Is it PotG?]

Kid: Paedo!
Tony: I'm not a paedo. And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby, little ginger ****.

 

[jcdenton08]

GAS MAN GAS MAN

 

[raymondo]

"there is no hurricane coming but it will be very windy in Spain"

 

[The Lemming Stomper]

His Excellency, the Governor of Kalabar.

Your Excellency,

your presence enriches my humble home.

May the benevolence of the god Shivu

bring blessings on your house.

And on yours.

And may his wisdom bring success

in all your undertakings.

And in yours.

And may his radiance light up your life.

And up yours.

 

[zefarelly]

Shit
What?
Rollers
No
Yeah
Shit

Whenever I bump into one of my oldest friends, . . . one of us usually says the first word , and it rolls out . . . Occaisionally by text, fo r no reason . . . Its just a winner.

 

[Guinness Boy]

"Did you know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards, they sound better?"

Bill Hicks

 

[The Clamp]

"Monty!! You terrible ****"!

"I remember my first agent. Raymond Duck. Dreadful little Israelite. Four floors up on the Charing Cross Rd and never a job at the top of them".




Morning Super.
Hello Wonderful.



"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'"

 

[Lankyseagull]

Albert During the...
Del If you say during the war, I'll pour this cup of tea over your head!
Albert I wasn't going to say during the war!
Del Alright then.
Albert Bloody little know all!
Del Sorry
Albert That's alright. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany....

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

It has surely been listed as a great comedy line already, albeit it does require context:

"Don't tell him, Pike"

That aside.....

"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the multi-millionaire, Paul Daniels?"

(Mrs Merton. RIP Caroline)

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

"Monty!! You terrible ****"!

"I remember my first agent. Raymond Duck. Dreadful little Israelite. Four floors up on the Charing Cross Rd and never a job at the top of them".




Morning Super.
Hello Wonderful.



"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'"

I reminded a dear friend of mine about that line a couple of years ago and got an eyebrow raise in response.

See you soon @monty uk

 

[Bodian]

I reminded a dear friend of mine about that line a couple of years ago and got an eyebrow raise in response.

See you soon @monty uk

My locality! Wandered round the farmyard not that long ago.

"We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!" (although I tend to swap 'ales' for 'wines')


On a secondary note - can't believe there isn't more from Blackadder in here. Most lines of most episodes would qualify!

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Dalek at the bottom of the stairs: 'LEV-I-TATE!'

 

[Acker79]

"I even had to fold it in"


Or from film:
"Yeah, but I shoot with this hand"

 

[Zeberdi]

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

― George Burns

 

[Popeye]

'With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kit in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.
'When I was born I was so ugly the Doctor slapped my mother'

-Rodney Dangerfield