[Humour] Great comedy lines

[Razzoo]

Forgive me, but you've got shit shoes on, you shitty shoed bastard

 

[Eric the meek]

Have you got the scrolls?

No, I always walk like this.

 

[Goldstone Guy]

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

 

[Eric the meek]

Baddiel: See that woman, right at the back of the studio?

Newman: Yes, yes, I...I can just about make her out.

Baddiel: That's the nearest you've come to getting off with a girl, that is.

 

[Paskman]

Smell my cheese you mother...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again.

 

[Boys 9d]

Mae West (allegedly):

When I'm good, I'm very, very good but when I'm bad, I'm better.

Is that a gun you've got in your pocket or are you glad to see me.

 

[backson]

Flashheart:
The first thing to remember is always treat your kite [Whacks diagram with his pointer.] like you treat your woman [Whips the air. Hard.]

George:
Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?

Flashheart:
No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

 

[Dick Swiveller]

A few to get started

"I am playing all the right notes, just not necessarily in the right order"

I'm playing all the right notes - but not necessarily in the right order.

 

[Grassman]

Are you, or have you ever been a practising homosexual ?
What, with these knees, who’d have me!

I’d like you to fill this bottle.
What, from here!

 

[Is it PotG?]

Rodney:
I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing.

Del Boy:
Yeah it is a bit cold.

Uncle Albert:
Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.

 

[Norman Potting]

.....These are small but the ones out there are far away.....

 

[Is it PotG?]

'Cos they're the bastards that bombed me granny.'

 

[Is it PotG?]

Does anyone want the last chickpea?

I didn't even want the first one.

 

[WATFORD zero]

If it's a girl they're calling it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy, they're naming it Rodney, after Dave

 

[happypig]

Are you the Judean People's Front ?

 

[dejavuatbtn]

Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and an enchanting smile, and wooden teeth which she had bought at a chemist's in Augsburgh, despite the fire risk. (Python)

 

[LamieRobertson]

I’m playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order

 

[Badger]

Tell you what, that crack is very moreish

 

[Is it PotG?]

Is this gonna take long, Blanco? Only my foot's gone to sleep and I'd like to catch it up...

 

[WATFORD zero]

The cake of cheese ? The dirty bastards