[Humour] Great comedy lines

[Live by the sea]

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

Another comedy genius - the late great Joan Rivers

 

[Tom Bombadil]

Marty: It's very pretty.

Nigel: ...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, It's sort of in between those, really, it's like a Mach piece really, it's...
Marty: What do you call this?

Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".

 

[Brovion]

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

Another comedy genius - the late great Joan Rivers

On a similar vein from Jo Brand when talking about exercise and keep fit:

"My body's a temple ..... it's big and it doesn't move."

Two from Red Dwarf:
"The whole thing's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up."
"She had an arse like two badly-parked Volvos."

 

[Marmaduke]

Can she have wafer-thin ham Barbara?

 

[WATFORD zero]

"I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part"

 

[FamilyGuy]

Look sir, an impression of a heel!

We’ve got no time for your clues now constable, we’re looking for clues.

Sellers and Milligan, The Case of the Muckinees Falcon (I think)

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

Man #1: [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?

Stan: I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.

Man #2: I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!

Wife: What's so special about the cheese-makers?

Husband: Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.

 

[pasty]

What's he got, a Wendy House?

 

[Moshe Gariani]

Under weaknessses you've put eczema.

 

[Boys 9d]

He's been murdered, somebody must be responsible.
"Force Nine From Outer Space" considered by many to be the worst film ever made. So much so it is also regarded as a classic.

 

[Coxovi]

I am going to shave my head and join a Polynesian monastery.

Excuse me, I have to kick the shit out somebody

 

[Barrow Boy]

Are you, or have you ever been a practising homosexual ?
What, with these knees, who’d have me!

I’d like you to fill this bottle.
What, from here!

Along with,
What's a practising homosexual Fletch?
It's one who hasn't got it quite right yet.

 

[tronnogull]

I've had this broom for 20 years.........17 new heads and 14 new handles.......

 

[Barrow Boy]

This one goes up to eleven.

 

[zefarelly]

Stwike him centurion, veryyyy woughly!

He has a wife you know.

 

[maltaseagull]

Welease woger?

He's not the Messiah he's a very naughty boy.


All I said was that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!

 

[Is it PotG?]

Wayne: Been in here had he?

 

[Paulie Gualtieri]

Do you like Owls?

 

[Jahooli]

She turned me into a newt.................I got better

 

[Badger]

"I like curry, I do. But now that we've got the recipe, is there really any need for them to stay?"

"And we've come to the inevitable conclusion that the one course of action that the authorities must take, is to cut off their goolies."