[Humour] Great comedy lines

[Scappa]

"Well why not remove Harold?"
"Because of the enormous commercial possibities if he succeeds"

 

[Simster]

“Unfortunately, most of the infantry think you're a prat! Ask them who they'd prefer to meet: Squadron Commander Flashheart and the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and they'd go for Wee Jock “Poo-Pong" McPlop, every time!”

 

[El Presidente]

“And Smith must score”

 

[Simster]

Rik: The World's stupidest bottom burp - Vyvian, Britain

Neil: It says Rick here.

 

[Zeberdi]

On Spike Milligan’s gravestone:

”I told you I was ill”

 

[BadFish]

"Monkey Tennis"

Seen it a hundred time and know its coming . . . still makes me laugh.

 

[Albion my Albion]

”"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with any Trump voter."

 

[vegster]

"I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part"

Along with " Stupidity like this should not go unrecognised "

 

[vegster]

I remember a radio pantomime from years back and an exchange went like this...

Prime Minister " But we can't go to war against the Betulonions, they are armed to the teeth.. what weapons do we have ?"

Defence Minister " We have five arrows and a seige engine "

Prime Minister " Nothing Stronger ? "

Defence Minister " Only Billstein Diabetic lager..."

Prime Minister " OK then, 12 pints of Billsteien "

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

"I was very, very drunk"

 

[WATFORD zero]

She said "why have you got two £20 notes in your hand" and he said "Oh the other one is from the man who shat in my pants"

 

[WATFORD zero]

You shouldn't say things like that together, you could confuse a stupid person

 

[Insel affe]

rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb

 

[Eric the meek]

Prof. Lewis: You know when you tread in cack, and then you take another step and tread in more cack?
Baddiel: So both your feet are covered in cack?
Prof Lewis: Yes.
Baddiel: I am familiar with that occurrence, yes.
Prof. Lewis: That's your trainers, that is. That's your new £100 Reebok trainers.

 

[prawnsarnies]

"No Del, we don't have a car phone".

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

I’ll miss the crack of leather on willow. Willow says he’ll write….

 

[dazzer6666]

‘Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?’

 

[Scappa]

And you know he still had the audacity to to come out with "Ughghghhhghghhh I'm dying!"


I’m going out sh*tting myself with f*cking fear and f*cking cancer which God so kindly provided. Without that, we wouldn’t have a way to die would we? How f*cking good of him. He can’t just torment us with being eternally young and being able to f*ck everyone. No. He gave us his great gift of f*cking cancer

 

[Zeberdi]