Chatting up a bird

[Stumpy Tim]

kev- just enoy football.. sex will come.

Unless you're an immature, spotty, unpopular gim....... oh sorry.

Sex is overrated

 

[London Calling]

Hi Uncle B and friends, I have just looked at my e-mails about 500 from yourselves and what the **** were you all on about?

Hope to catch soon but not at Palace

Lc

 

[Uncle Buck]

Hi Uncle B and friends, I have just looked at my e-mails about 500 from yourselves and what the **** were you all on about?

Hope to catch soon but not at Palace

Lc

Only 500, must have been a slow day....

 

[Meade's Ball]

i always found the library at uni an EXCELLENT place to pick up girls

keep cracking on kev

Failing that, keep cracking off.


The worst thing you can do is be yourself. Be someone interesting. Someone interested. Wear a goatee. A flashy watch. Waterproof, preferably. One that tells the time in India, Africa and the Arctic. Tell her you've been abroad. A coach journey. You were sick, but it didn't matter. You slept it off. Woke up in the Alps. Everyone else had died. Mr Lewis (science) had etched 'you are the only hope, Kev' into the ice. You didn't know what to do, so you went home and played computer. Tell her you like robots. Ones that fire matchsticks like toy Batman cars. Robots with lights and voices like people with disabled throats or those caned by cancers that burp to speak. Robots with ovens for stomachs. Put your curry in and heat it up. Good robot. Don't tell her everything though. Save her some mystery. Save her some lies. Save her from yourself.
Then, when she's hooked, disappoint her. Let it all out like a fat stomach. Cry. Weep. Dribble snot from your nose. She'll forgive you. They always do.

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Failing that, keep cracking off.


The worst thing you can do is be yourself. Be someone interesting. Someone interested. Wear a goatee. A flashy watch. Waterproof, preferably. One that tells the time in India, Africa and the Arctic. Tell her you've been abroad. A coach journey. You were sick, but it didn't matter. You slept it off. Woke up in the Alps. Everyone else had died. Mr Lewis (science) had etched 'you are the only hope, Kev' into the ice. You didn't know what to do, so you went home and played computer. Tell her you like robots. Ones that fire matchsticks like toy Batman cars. Robots with lights and voices like people with disabled throats or those caned by cancers that burp to speak. Robots with ovens for stomachs. Put your curry in and heat it up. Good robot. Don't tell her everything though. Save her some mystery. Save her some lies. Save her from yourself.
Then, when she's hooked, disappoint her. Let it all out like a fat stomach. Cry. Weep. Dribble snot from your nose. She'll forgive you. They always do.

 

[Bluejuice]

Let me teach you an important lesson about life Kev.

All women are slut-faced whores. FACT.

And unless you are rich and handsome there is little point in trying anything with attractive sober women.

As a fellow ugly bloke I'm afraid it's my duty to tell you that it just ain't gonna happen mate. I'm not even as ugly as you and yet it's never happened for me. In 24 long and painful years I've succeeded a grand total of NIL times in getting a girlfriend so if I can't do it, neither can you.

Instead, set your sights on the fat girls who have already had a few by the end of the night and are starting to feel as dejected as you do come chucking out time (club, pub or party). These girls require minimum effort and leave you less bothered when you fail.

Essentially the best you can hope for out of life is the occasional grubby bunk up with a drunken ugly chick, or if you're very lucky and she's very very drunk you can on occasion end up bedding a bird that's not that bad looking. However, by the morning make no mistake she'll be mortified with herself and hurriedly scram from your bedside, never to be seen again.

Don't waste your time chasing girls you fancy because they just don't like you. I know it's painful but you might as well save yourself the effort now and just make do with a string of one night stands with girls who should know better.

Take it from one who's been there. You can use the ugly ones for sex but don't get ideas above your station, remember these immortal words...

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

GET OVER IT

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I tried chatting up a girl in a nightclub, she was being pestered by lots of men, by saying "do you not get a bit fed up with so much attention? when you might just want a quiet night to yourself"

Worked a treat but I lost her phone number as I didnt save it properly on my phone and the battery ran out

 

[SK1NT]

Let me teach you an important lesson about life Kev.

All women are slut-faced whores. FACT.

And unless you are rich and handsome there is little point in trying anything with attractive sober women.

As a fellow ugly bloke I'm afraid it's my duty to tell you that it just ain't gonna happen mate. I'm not even as ugly as you and yet it's never happened for me. In 24 long and painful years I've succeeded a grand total of NIL times in getting a girlfriend so if I can't do it, neither can you.

Instead, set your sights on the fat girls who have already had a few by the end of the night and are starting to feel as dejected as you do come chucking out time (club, pub or party). These girls require minimum effort and leave you less bothered when you fail.

Essentially the best you can hope for out of life is the occasional grubby bunk up with a drunken ugly chick, or if you're very lucky and she's very very drunk you can on occasion end up bedding a bird that's not that bad looking. However, by the morning make no mistake she'll be mortified with herself and hurriedly scram from your bedside, never to be seen again.

Don't waste your time chasing girls you fancy because they just don't like you. I know it's painful but you might as well save yourself the effort now and just make do with a string of one night stands with girls who should know better.

Take it from one who's been there. You can use the ugly ones for sex but don't get ideas above your station, remember these immortal words...

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

GET OVER IT

if your ugly, you need loadsa cash. If your poor you need the looks. Girls are just as looks orientated as guys, trust.

And if IF you do find a fit girl you do like and do manage to get her as your gf, she'll only then go for the next bloke who shows her some attention. Just coz hes fitter than u.

Stick to ugly birds, they are safe

i personally like busty 19 yr old blondes.

 

[Scoffers]

Who are you , Prince Edward?

 

[Shizuoka Dolphin]

f*** me, this thread is GOLD.

Tend to agree with the 'don't bother' line of thought. Fit birds who don't fancy you won't give a crap how interesting you are. That just makes you NICE and SWEET., which translates roughly as WOULDN'T TOUCH WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S.

Walsall don't play Chelsea and expect to win. They feel chuffed if they get a result against Rotherham. You can tell if a girl's interested in about five seconds, so don't waste your time and effort. Seek out the fat birds with low self esteem and GO FOR IT.

 

[Meade's Ball]

You can make attractive women fall in love with you. It won't happen in a club or a bar. They're too brightly-lit. Every blemish highlighted. Every bead of sweat tugging at your face, making it harder to smile convincingly. So meet someone. Get their email address and set to work. Get a dictionary. Women, generally, don't want THICKOs. Don't write poetry. Not straight away anyway. Just write about what you do, but make it sound like it is something rather than nothing. Keep talking. Not badgering. let her do the messaging. If she does, she's interested in you and it's only a matter of time before it doesn't matter what you look like any more.

 

[JJ McClure]

And if IF you do find a fit girl you do like and do manage to get her as your gf, she'll only then go for the next bloke who shows her some attention.

Either that or the bitch will let herself slide and won't be fit anymore

 

[Bluejuice]

Don't underestimate the power of alcohol either.

A drunk bird in the hand is worth one in the bush

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

There really is only one answer to this conundrum.

Rohypnol.

Damn ive just noticed that you put that!

 

[CHAPPERS]

http://www.play.com/play247.asp?pa=srmr&page=title&r=BOOK&title=678804

Meant to be quite interestnig, if not enlightening.

 

[maffew]

theres your answer right there - if you show any sign of nerves you are shot through from the start. Just talk to the person - not their looks. Assuming that you are not going to get anywhere really helps to do this. Worst case scenario you make a friend best case scenario well...

good luck Kev be yourself, dont try too hard and if they dont like you for who you are they aint worth the bother

and ignore people who take cheap shots at you thats probably what makes you nervous, f***ing bullies

and tell her your Visit to Falmer story

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

and tell her your Visit to Falmer story

 

[aftershavedave]

i do like that "have you had your tits weighed" line.

going to try that out on the missus later.

and kev: talk to her, don't ask her out yet!

 

[SK1NT]

At the end of the day, why have all the effort of initially getting her attention, then wining and dinning her, buying her jewellery etc just pay a good £50 and u can get a quality eatern european bird for half an hour. Then you can 'cum' and go as you please.

If you feel this is immoral, how about role play with her. Imagine she is your legitimate girlfriend that you see for half an hour every week. Maybe even set up a Direct debit, so after a few months, it is as if she is your girlfriend. Plus £50 a week on a hooker will be a lot cheaper.


If this also fails, mail order brides are getting popular.

 

[Dandyman]

Pure NSC gold.