[Humour] Smart arse jokes

[mreprice]

Werner Heisenberg is driving furiously through the back streets of Berlin: he's waved down by a cop.
"Do you know how fast you're driving?", he says. "No," says Heisenberg,"but I know where I am."

A bit later he was stopped by another cop who told him he was being booked for doing 73 in a 50 zone. Damn, said Heisenberg, now I’m lost.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

Two parrots on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?"

 

[Trufflehound]

What's E.T. short for?


'Cause he's only got little legs...

 

[driller]

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst

 

[Titanic]

Just asking for a friend: Is it OK to pull the bag out of a wine box, stab a straw in it, and pretend it is a giant Capri Sun?

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

Ah, Mr Picasso, a word in your eye.

 

[Lindfield by the Pond]

Was having a dump at midnight the other day when the clock chimed for midnight.
Same s**t, different day.

 

[Lindfield by the Pond]

Haven’t spoken to my wife for over a week now. Don’t like to interrupt.

 

[Lindfield by the Pond]

Accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick. She hasn’t spoken to me since.

 

[driller]

My atheism club is a prophet free organisation

 

[Uh_huh_him]

What’s the difference between arrogance and apathy?

I do not know and I do not care

Ignorance and apathy surely?

 

[Uh_huh_him]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9

 

[Brovion]

What? Protons have Mass? I had no idea they were Catholics!

What are eight Hobbits called?
A Hobbyte.

 

[Goldstone1976]

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

My partner told me that sex is better on holiday. I've received better postcards.

 

[Is it PotG?]

My mate has just opened a Posture Clinic, I've a hunch it might succeed.

 

[Cold Gettin Dumb]

Sorry thicko here...please explain.

The joke relates to musical scales.
Minor scales are the type of chord that feel sad, moody, melancholy or just dark.

 

[Brovion]

Schrödinger's cat walked into a bar .... and didn't.


My sister once went on a date with a chess grandmaster. They went to an Italian restaurant, nice little table for two with a rustic black and white chequered table cloth.
It took him half an hour to pass the salt.


Mind you I can't talk. I once dated a tennis player. Never again. Love means nothing to them.

 

[portlock seagull]

I once went to see a famous dentist but there was no plaque outside

 

[Brovion]

The Apple store in Oxford Street got robbed.
Police have appealed for iWitnesses

You can be as well-mannered and kind as you want, but German children will always be kinder.

I bought a new thesaurus, but it was a waste of money. It is bad. In other words, it’s bad.

Q - What is the difference between a diameter and radius?
A - The radius.

 

[Lindfield by the Pond]

Whats difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots and fails to hit, the other hoots and fails to ****