[Humour] Smart arse jokes

[grubbyhands]

How about the Irishman who thought Anita Harris was an operation for piles?

 

[schmunk]

Two pregnant nuns sitting on a park bench. One says to the other “Is it really 9 months since Benedictus?”

Mamma Mia!

 

[half time scores]

Has anyone said Piers Morgan yet?

Countryside. to kill Piers Morgan.

 

[half time scores]

Irish farmer won a Nobel prize for being outstanding in his field.

 

[schmunk]

Irish farmer won a Nobel prize for being outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It was driving along the road, then suddenly turned into a field.

 

[Brovion]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It was driving along the road, then suddenly turned into a field.

Done before. (See post #91)

Also this thread is supposed to be for smart arse jokes rather than Christmas cracker ones.

 

[zefarelly]

Done before. (See post #91)

Also this thread is supposed to be for smart arse jokes rather than Christmas cracker ones.

Harsh

But fair.

I can't remember if I already posted this, or someone else has, but one of my favourites is

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge.

 

[Dorset Seagull]

Done before. (See post #91)

Also this thread is supposed to be for smart arse jokes rather than Christmas cracker ones.

What qualifies as a smart arse joke though

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

3 Database SQL queries walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.

A genuine PL/SQL buff would have put: "because they couldn't SELECT a table".

In the grand schema of things, this is a techie joke ...

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

I know that one as bad marksman . . .one shoots but never hits.


Difference between a seagull and a baby . . .. One flits across the shores.

Difference between a sausage dog and a street vendor . . . .one balls out his wares


What do you call a dog with steel nuts and no back legs. Sparky!

Very dated now, but: "What's the difference between the Spice Girls and a circus act?"



The latter is a cunning array of stunts ....

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

My uncle died peacefully in his sleep ....

Unlike my cousins who were in the car with him at the time.

 

[zefarelly]

Very dated now, but: "What's the difference between the Spice Girls and a circus act?"



The latter is a cunning array of stunts ....

Not their best album, but a great cover.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

A genuine PL/SQL buff would have put: "because they couldn't SELECT a table".

In the grand schema of things, this is a techie joke ...

Brilliant - just tried submitting a reply with joke SQL command to replace FIND with SELECT and was blocked by CLOUDFLARE for trying to inject SQL.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Despite it being really, really lame, I will not be beaten so here is my jokey reply.

 

[Triggaaar]

What's green and lives in a field?


Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What wheels?

 

[Coldeanseagull]

Google was definitely my friend when it comes to the grass one

 

[Questions]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.


Or


Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh s---, I forgot to feed the dog!

 

[Pickles]

There are three types of accountant. A good one and a bad one.

 

[Seaber]

What do Chinese parents say to their disappointing offspring?


I don't know, I can't speak Chinese.

 

[darters74]

Someone has stolen one of my Microsoft applications.

I will find out who the culprit is, you have my word.