[Humour] Smart arse jokes

[Icy Gull]

I first heard the dead horse one about 50 (literally) years ago at school

This has made me remember something just as old

What sort of steps do you intend to take?

Fecking great steps he said, as he disappeared over the horizon

 

[Questions]

When at school I was asked what class I struggled with ?

I replied, “the bourgeoisie”

 

[Lenny Rider]

I've spent all day yesterday digging my wife's grave.

She still thinks its a pond.

 

[Gwylan]

Werner Heisenberg is driving furiously through the back streets of Berlin: he's waved down by a cop.
"Do you know how fast you're driving?", he says. "No," says Heisenberg,"but I know where I am."

 

[SockMonster]

Guy tries to get in a nightclub wearing nothing but a pair of jump leads. Bouncer says "I'll let you in as long as you promise not to start anything".

 

[Postman Pat]

Courtesy of Big Bang Theory

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge."

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side

 

[Arthritic Toe]

My favourite joke (that I always roll out on these occasions)...

What sits on your shoulder saying "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?

A parroty error.

 

[Durlston]

What happens if you stick your hand up a Crystal Palace girl fan's skirt every day?

You get your palm red every twenty-eight days.

 

[Palacefinder General]

The only one to stump me so far is the [MENTION=25]Gwylan[/MENTION] one above - nervous Jew driving in Germany so pedal to the floor?.....

(that isn’t a gag btw)

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?

Because the paracetamol



Yes, yes I am disappointed with that post

 

[Goldstone1976]

The only one to stump me so far is the [MENTION=25]Gwylan[/MENTION] one above - nervous Jew driving in Germany so pedal to the floor?.....

(that isn’t a gag btw)

It's the Principle that makes me Uncertain.

 

[Questions]

The only one to stump me so far is the [MENTION=25]Gwylan[/MENTION] one above - nervous Jew driving in Germany so pedal to the floor?.....

(that isn’t a gag btw)

Increase the gas ? Nooooo.

 

[Brovion]

Werner Heisenberg is driving furiously through the back streets of Berlin: he's waved down by a cop.
"Do you know how fast you're driving?", he says. "No," says Heisenberg,"but I know where I am."

I heard the punchline as: "Yes. But I don't know where I am."


EDIT: Ah well, ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

 

[Tom Bombadil]

I've spent all day yesterday digging my wife's grave.

She still thinks its a pond.

Surely in your line of work you've got better options for disposing of a body

 

[half time scores]

Why did the vegan cross the road?.


To let you know that they are a vegan.

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

What do you call a crushed angle?

A wrecked angle.

And a young attractive angle?


yes, of course: acute angle

 

[Gwylan]

The only one to stump me so far is the [MENTION=25]Gwylan[/MENTION] one above - nervous Jew driving in Germany so pedal to the floor?.....

(that isn’t a gag btw)

No, nothing like that (Heisenberg wasn't Jewish, quite the opposite, he spearheaded the German nuclear weapons initiative in WW2)

Goldstone 1976 got it

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

Why do women knit?



To occupy their brain while they're talking ....

 

[Brovion]

A software engineer was walking down the road one night when he noticed a frog in front of him. Amazingly the frog spoke:
"Hi", it said "I'm not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you've ever had."
The software engineer mumbles "Sure, yeah, great", picks up the frog and then continues walking. Slightly surprised the frog then says,
"OK look. If you kiss me, I'll give you a whole week of incredible sex!" The engineer just mumbles again, 'Sure, yeah, great", and carries on.
After a few more minutes of walking the frog speaks again, more forcibly this time,
"Look maybe you don't understand. I'm tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I'll give you the best sex you've ever had for the rest of your entire life!"
Once again the engineer just mumbles "Sure, yeah, great".
Exasperated the frog finally says, "Well can you at least tell me why you won't kiss me?"
The engineer replied "Well you see I'm a software engineer and don't have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat."

 

[Postman Pat]

Can't seem to find out what gluteal myalgia means anywhere. It's a pain in the backside.

I was planning to look up the meaning of ‘consecutive’ this morning but it’s been one thing after another.

In the ‘70s Sister Sledge used to drive around in British cars. There favourites were the Austin Music and Cortina Trap.

Anyone know where Kevin Bacon's left his car keys? Asking for a friend of a friend of a friend of friend of a friend.

"What are these markings on the map?"
"They're hill areas"
"Yeah they're very funny, but what do they mean?"

Yes, you may apply for a job at Citroën, you will need 2 CVs.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

I’ll never forget when Fire left Earth, Wind And Fire to team up with Third Party and Theft, eschewing the music business for a new venture in the world of insurance.

“I’ve found how to make coleslaw!”
“Great stuff!”
“Yes, I know”