[Humour] Smart arse jokes

[Juan Albion]

What makes me such an ardent ornithologist?

Sheer Billoddiemindedness, that's what!

Oooh, that one's a Goodie.

 

[Albion my Albion]

What did Descartes' arse say?

I stink therefore I am.

Now that's a real smart arse joke!

 

[Juan Albion]

What did Descartes' arse say?

I stink therefore I am.

Now that's a real smart arse joke!

Not if he missed the comma.

 

[Albion my Albion]

Not if he missed the comma.

Thank you for your comma, demnation.

 

[Juan Albion]

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.
Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

 

[Norman Potting]

Why do computer scientists celebrate Christmas at Halloween?

Because Dec. 25 = Oct. 31




*Reaches for coat stand*

If I wore a hat I would raise it to you:clap

....which reminds me of

..."militant feminists, I raise my hat to you - that really annoys them"

 

[Cadiz Seagull]

ignore me

 

[Whitechapel]

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

 

[Pogue Mahone]

This guy was a dyslexic Devil worshipper.

He sold his soul to Santa.

 

[B-right-on]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and Selhurst Park.?





On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.......

 

[Pogue Mahone]

His dyslexic mate is an insomniac, agnostic.

He lies awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.

 

[Brovion]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To

To who?

No, 'to whom'.

On similar lines:

Q: Who started the Pedants' Revolt?
A: Which Tyler

 

[Moshe Gariani]

Picasso's house was burgled but luckily he caught sight of the culprit and drew a sketch for the police.

They later arrested two horses and a sardine.

[emoji23]

 

[Titanic]

Just asking for a friend... Does anyone know how many times I can legally sell a homing pigeon on eBay?

 

[Moshe Gariani]

Who is the second shortest man in the Bible?

Nehemiah (knee-high-Miah)

Who is the shortest man in the Bible?

Bildad the Shuhite

 

[Moshe Gariani]

Why did Jesus appear to women first after his resurrection?

So that the news would be spread more quickly!

 

[Braggfan]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
Well the flag's a big plus.

 

[Wellesley]

I've got the heart of a lion!
(and a lifetime ban from Longleat)

 

[Palacefinder General]

Working backstage for The Pretenders, one of the roadies asked me to nip out and get a dessert for Chrissie Hynde.
“Anything?” I asked.
“Don’t get meringue,” he replied.

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

I used to be a coprophiliac, but it’s really sh1t.

I’m into necrophilia, bestiality, and flagellation.
Am I flogging a dead horse?

I first heard the dead horse one about 50 (literally) years ago at school