Bell Cheeses at work

[El Presidente]

Having recently become aware that I work with Hove Born & Bred, I duly declare myself the #winner of this contest.

01273 772277

https://www.samaritans.org/branches/brighton-hove-and-district-samaritans

 

[Badger]

01273 772277

https://www.samaritans.org/branches/brighton-hove-and-district-samaritans

You might be too late. He's gone awfully quiet...

 

[Sirnormangall]

decent covering of snow and plenty of work-shy fops. Perfect breeding ground for Bell-Cheesery..
When will the "you wouldn't believe my journey into work" stories end?
The "we had more snow than you" competition
"it's snowing pretty bad in my village, so may need to leave now to ensure I get home"

This weather is particularly disastrous for those in management who may have to “work from home” today as well as their usual Friday.

 

[dazzer6666]

This weather is particularly disastrous for those in management who may have to “work from home” today as well as their usual Friday.

I did [emoji106][emoji3][emoji16][emoji8]

 

[Brownstuff]

The usual suspects swerved work today because of the snow
The same people who think it is their right to take a minimum 2 weeks sick days leave each year even when they are not actually ill

 

[Baldseagull]

The usual suspects swerved work today because of the snow
The same people who think it is their right to take a minimum 2 weeks sick days leave each year even when they are not actually ill

Perhaps they need a few days off here and there, to prevent them from killing the Bellcheese in the office?

 

[Albalbion]

The usual suspects swerved work today because of the snow
The same people who think it is their right to take a minimum 2 weeks sick days leave each year even when they are not actually ill

Our office BC has taken nearly two weeks off in her PROBATION period so far, which buggered everyone else’s shifts about I might add. Grrr.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Barham's tash]

I hope you’re not thinking the armed forces will be any different from this?

Well it will have guns so you could at least attempt some kind of revenge/tidy up under the auspices of ‘friendly fire’ which might help.

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

That is QUALITY ranting. The button pushing aspect in particular astounds me considering she’s been adept at pushing yours since arriving.

fitbit fatbird

That’s Sir is EXCELLENT. I shall have to steal it I think....



Recently I have taken a particular dislike to Project Managers and their peculiar lexicon. The thing is I’m one of more than 100,000 employees in a huge global organisation and EVERY project I am asked to participate in has typically say 15/20 people working on it at any one time one of whom is a PM.

Now ALL the PMs work in the Global Transformation team but everyone else comes from the business and are all typically Subject Matter Experts (SMEs for the uninitiated - yes it is a WANKY term).

The PMs seem to use language that is purely relevant to them that literally no one else ever gets to grips with, understands or needs to yet they absolutely INSIST on still using it despite everyone else in every call/meeting needing things to be clarified EVERY time.

Words like tollgate, initiation, creepage and critical phase analysis are used for what I and plenty of others have come to believe are there purely for self aggrandisement and role justification purposes - what a load of bellcheesery right there....

(Cue TONNES OF PMs coming out and pillorying me from this thread...)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[dazzer6666]

Well it will have guns so you could at least attempt some kind of revenge/tidy up under the auspices of ‘friendly fire’ which might help.




That is QUALITY ranting. The button pushing aspect in particular astounds me considering she’s been adept at pushing yours since arriving.



That’s Sir is EXCELLENT. I shall have to steal it I think....



Recently I have taken a particular dislike to Project Managers and their peculiar lexicon. The thing is I’m one of more than 100,000 employees in a huge global organisation and EVERY project I am asked to participate in has typically say 15/20 people working on it at any one time one of whom is a PM.

Now ALL the PMs work in the Global Transformation team but everyone else comes from the business and are all typically Subject Matter Experts (SMEs for the uninitiated - yes it is a WANKY term).

The PMs seem to use language that is purely relevant to them that literally no one else ever gets to grips with, understands or needs to yet they absolutely INSIST on still using it despite everyone else in every call/meeting needing things to be clarified EVERY time.

Words like tollgate, initiation, creepage and critical phase analysis are used for what I and plenty of others have come to believe are there purely for self aggrandisement and role justification purposes - what a load of bellcheesery right there....

(Cue TONNES OF PMs coming out and pillorying me from this thread...)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You’re welcome to use it [emoji23][emoji23]

Re the PMs, it’s the universal language of TOSS. We have exactly the same (even bigger firm).......dreadful contractor/consultant PMs employed by the ‘Global Transformation Team’ spewing out drivel 24/7, putting countless ‘hothouses’ (meetings) in the diary which are ALWAYS at least 2 hours long and have EVERYONE invited because a) they can’t run a meeting b) can’t make a decision c) have no real work to do so have to pad their days out to justify their ridiculous daily rates and d) know f-all about anything so extend the invite to anyone who might have a passing interest.

As a result, EVERY meeting results in no decisions, no actions, no progress and a resolve to organise yet another 2 hour ******* meeting.......

The life-sucking, salary-thieving useless ******* *******.

 

[Lower West Stander]

I had to go to a 4pm meeting yesterday and was nervously looking out of the window at the London weather hoping it would be over quickly....

Unfortunately one of the participants decided he wanted to review what the terms of the meeting were. There then followed 30 minutes when absolutely nothing happened other people talking crap about what crap we should be talking about. And of course, no terms actually changed.

Result? Me getting home at 8pm and the knob who started the discussion nice and warm in his posh Chiswick pad at 630.

Grrr!!!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[happypig]

Words like tollgate, initiation, creepage and critical phase analysis are used for what I and plenty of others have come to believe are there purely for self aggrandisement and role justification purposes - what a load of bellcheesery right there....

An elderly relative of mine used to suffer with mild anal incontinence and he referred to it as "Creepage round the back"

You’re welcome to use it [emoji23][emoji23]

Re the PMs, it’s the universal language of TOSS. We have exactly the same (even bigger firm).......dreadful contractor/consultant PMs employed by the ‘Global Transformation Team’ spewing out drivel 24/7, putting countless ‘hothouses’ (meetings) in the diary which are ALWAYS at least 2 hours long and have EVERYONE invited because a) they can’t run a meeting b) can’t make a decision c) have no real work to do so have to pad their days out to justify their ridiculous daily rates and d) know f-all about anything so extend the invite to anyone who might have a passing interest.

As a result, EVERY meeting results in no decisions, no actions, no progress and a resolve to organise yet another 2 hour ******* meeting.......

The life-sucking, salary-thieving useless ******* *******.

Talking of meetings, we had a manager who wanted to show how dedicated he was so he arranged a meeting for 4pm on a Friday. He also tried to cement his place as Number One Arse Licker by inviting HIS manager. It backfired spectacularly when the T2 replied to all proposing a new time/venue of "Let's do it at 2, in the pub"

 

[blue'n'white]

We had a tax 'expert' who belonged in the eighteenth century. We needed to see some workings for whatever it was, and he sent across a scanned version of a calculation he'd done - handwritten, and clearly no calculator used either with long division and all that stuff everywhere.

Obviously sent it back to him, saying can I have this in Excel format please.

What came back was the same handwritten scan, overlaid on another piece of paper where he'd clearly hand drawn gridlines in pencil.

That is out of the top drawer of idiocy - has he got Snopake all over his computer screen too ?

 

[Barham's tash]

With the ‘potential’ for travel disruption due to snow tomorrow/Fri have canvassed my team about what people intend to do - wfh/come in etc

In my head had a list of three people out of a team of 14 who I expected to do the following:

1. Claim they HAD to wfh JUST in case - they all still live inside the M25.

2. Skive off at the FIRST sign of a snowflake today because in their heads my email today about tomorrow/Fri justifies applying same rules to today should they show choose.

The first three replies in my inbox within two minutes of my email hitting theirs were from those individuals. If only there was some way to monetise such obvious clairvoyance?!

On the flip side the human beings with brains rather than blancmanges made their own executive decision and simply told me what they were doing because they’d checked the weather themselves - good behaviours, they will go far!

Also what was notable was all of the people with justifiable reasons to skive didn’t take the proverbial.

Hate skiving bell cheeses worse than anything else. (Let’s be honest it’s always the same ones right?!)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Igzilla]

I had to go to a 4pm meeting yesterday and was nervously looking out of the window at the London weather hoping it would be over quickly....

Unfortunately one of the participants decided he wanted to review what the terms of the meeting were. There then followed 30 minutes when absolutely nothing happened other people talking crap about what crap we should be talking about. And of course, no terms actually changed.

Result? Me getting home at 8pm and the knob who started the discussion nice and warm in his posh Chiswick pad at 630.

Grrr!!!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I automatically decline any meeting that starts at 4pm. Life Leeches, anyone who suggests them.

 

[Beach Hut]

I automatically decline any meeting that starts at 4pm. Life Leeches, anyone who suggests them.

We had a 16:00 death by powerpoint yesterday

At least I was WFH

 

[Iggle Piggle]

Well it will have guns so you could at least attempt some kind of revenge/tidy up under the auspices of ‘friendly fire’ which might help.




That is QUALITY ranting. The button pushing aspect in particular astounds me considering she’s been adept at pushing yours since arriving.



That’s Sir is EXCELLENT. I shall have to steal it I think....



Recently I have taken a particular dislike to Project Managers and their peculiar lexicon. The thing is I’m one of more than 100,000 employees in a huge global organisation and EVERY project I am asked to participate in has typically say 15/20 people working on it at any one time one of whom is a PM.

Now ALL the PMs work in the Global Transformation team but everyone else comes from the business and are all typically Subject Matter Experts (SMEs for the uninitiated - yes it is a WANKY term).

The PMs seem to use language that is purely relevant to them that literally no one else ever gets to grips with, understands or needs to yet they absolutely INSIST on still using it despite everyone else in every call/meeting needing things to be clarified EVERY time.

Words like tollgate, initiation, creepage and critical phase analysis are used for what I and plenty of others have come to believe are there purely for self aggrandisement and role justification purposes - what a load of bellcheesery right there....

(Cue TONNES OF PMs coming out and pillorying me from this thread...)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I should declare my hand before I start. My job title involves the words 'Project Manager' albeit I work in an organisation that operates like a small business in reality and doesn't operate 'normally' . I have to say I agree with every word you say. BS terminology isn't helpful to anyone getting anything delivered. Successful teams in my experience talk in simple language - which often includes telling each other to **** off regularly where I work.

Of most interest to me was tollgate and critical phase analysis which are new entries (Creepage I understand though as - "Tell them to F off. We're not doing it') I'm probably the wrong person to talk to though. I run a PPP meeting every Friday lunch. Pub. Peroni. Pen. It's surprisingly productive.

 

[happypig]

With the ‘potential’ for travel disruption due to snow tomorrow/Fri have canvassed my team about what people intend to do - wfh/come in etc

In my head had a list of three people out of a team of 14 who I expected to do the following:

1. Claim they HAD to wfh JUST in case - they all still live inside the M25.

2. Skive off at the FIRST sign of a snowflake today because in their heads my email today about tomorrow/Fri justifies applying same rules to today should they show choose.

The first three replies in my inbox within two minutes of my email hitting theirs were from those individuals. If only there was some way to monetise such obvious clairvoyance?!

On the flip side the human beings with brains rather than blancmanges made their own executive decision and simply told me what they were doing because they’d checked the weather themselves - good behaviours, they will go far!

Also what was notable was all of the people with justifiable reasons to skive didn’t take the proverbial.

Hate skiving bell cheeses worse than anything else. (Let’s be honest it’s always the same ones right?!)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

An old boss of mine used to be amenable to working from home on the proviso that we started work at the time we would have left; took me 45 mins to get there so I would start at 7.15 instead of 8.
He gained 45 mins extra for nothing at the start of the day, I gained 45 mins at the end and I saved fuel.

 

[LlcoolJ]

I gained 45 mins at the end and I saved fuel.

.....and most importantly, didn't have to deal with BELLENDS in the office

 

[Guinness Boy]

Apparently it's national RSI day today. I have avoided it by immediately deleting the email about it, thus saving needless scrolling and clicking.

 

[A1X]

On the flip side to the above post about people working from home on snowy days, there's always one in my team who insists that they have to work from the office, even if they don't turn up until midday, then have to leave at 3 because "it'll be a struggle to get home". The three hours that they are in would then be full of attempts at bloody martyrdom "well some of us made it in".