Bell Cheeses at work

[Badger]

Recently I have taken a particular dislike to Project Managers and their peculiar lexicon. The thing is I’m one of more than 100,000 employees in a huge global organisation and EVERY project I am asked to participate in has typically say 15/20 people working on it at any one time one of whom is a PM.

Now ALL the PMs work in the Global Transformation team but everyone else comes from the business and are all typically Subject Matter Experts (SMEs for the uninitiated - yes it is a WANKY term).

The PMs seem to use language that is purely relevant to them that literally no one else ever gets to grips with, understands or needs to yet they absolutely INSIST on still using it despite everyone else in every call/meeting needing things to be clarified EVERY time.

Words like tollgate, initiation, creepage and critical phase analysis are used for what I and plenty of others have come to believe are there purely for self aggrandisement and role justification purposes - what a load of bellcheesery right there....

(Cue TONNES OF PMs coming out and pillorying me from this thread...)

Yes, this sounds like every PM I've had to work with. I don't think I've come across one who hasn't sent emails at 1am to make it clear that they're working all hours to keep the project on track. Of course it actually means they're a bit shit at doing their job during the working day.

What amazes me is when I hear just how much some of these PMs get paid, especially when they're contracting. I always assumed they'd get less than the people who are actually doing the work on the project, but that rarely seems to be the case.

I'm currently working on a project without a PM. The team managers have meetings to decide what work needs to be done and we just get on with it. It makes me wonder whether most PMs are completely unnecessary.

 

[Badger]

On another note, one of the HR women appears to be bored today. She has used this opportunity to tidy the stationery cupboard, which is right next to my desk. For the past half an hour all I've heard is BASH, BANG, CLATTER as she moves boxes of pens and envelopes from one shelf to another.

This task is made more pointless by the fact the office is being refurbished and that stationery cupboard won't exist this time next week

 

[happypig]

On another note, one of the HR women appears to be bored today. She has used this opportunity to tidy the stationery cupboard, which is right next to my desk. For the past half an hour all I've heard is BASH, BANG, CLATTER as she moves boxes of pens and envelopes from one shelf to another.

This task is made more pointless by the fact the office is being refurbished and that stationery cupboard won't exist this time next week

The obvious answer to this is wait until she goes home and mess it all up again

 

[Badger]

The obvious answer to this is wait until she goes home and mess it all up again

Oh I'm tempted to do that right now. Her desk is on the other side of the office, so she wouldn't notice me doing it.

 

[Exile]

The obvious answer to this is wait until she goes home and mess it all up again

Oh I'm tempted to do that right now. Her desk is on the other side of the office, so she wouldn't notice me doing it.

This would give you roughly ONE MINUTE of joy.

Then tomorrow, you'll suffer today's BASH, BANG, CLATTER, but with added SELF-IMPORTANT SIGHING, MUTTERING, and LOUD EXHALING.

A dilemma for sure...

 

[Badger]

This would give you roughly ONE MINUTE of joy.

Then tomorrow, you'll suffer today's BASH, BANG, CLATTER, but with added SELF-IMPORTANT SIGHING, MUTTERING, and LOUD EXHALING.

A dilemma for sure...

Indeed. However, I can solve this dilemma by working from home tomorrow.

 

[FatSuperman]

I feel a bit shit now. Since I'm an IT project manager. I'd like to defend myself by stating that there is nothing wrong with the role, it's just that it tends to attract entirely the wrong sort of person. Usually they don't have a clue about what they are actually trying to achieve, and just want to manage a list of tasks. 95% are useless and just costing money. I'm one of the 5%, being fkin brilliant.

 

[FatSuperman]

We had a 16:00 death by powerpoint yesterday

At least I was WFH

I think you'll find it's called 'Shirking From Home'

 

[Brian Fantana]

BC has just spent a solid five minutes trying to scrape the ‘marked down’ barcode off of a particularly CRUNCHY food packaging. This accompanied by ‘you know they shouldn’t do this when I NEED to scan the original barcode to put in ‘my fitness pal’ so I can count the calories I’m eating’ (OH ARE YOU ON A DIET YOU HAVENT MENTIONED IT TWENTY TIMES TODAY?!) This after SCOFFING a packet of prawn crackers as NOISILY as possible. Thank god I’m leaving in twenty minutes.


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Why is that prawn cocktail crisps and prawn crackers are ALWAYS the staple diet of an office bellcheese?!

 

[Brighthelmstone]

I feel a bit shit now. Since I'm an IT project manager. I'd like to defend myself by stating that there is nothing wrong with the role, it's just that it tends to attract entirely the wrong sort of person. Usually they don't have a clue about what they are actually trying to achieve, and just want to manage a list of tasks. 95% are useless and just costing money. I'm one of the 5%, being fkin brilliant.

100% what this man says! (Say's the fellow IT Project Manager!)

 

[FatSuperman]

100% what this man says! (Say's the fellow IT Project Manager!)

hashtagwearethe5%

 

[Bodian]

On the flip side to the above post about people working from home on snowy days, there's always one in my team who insists that they have to work from the office, even if they don't turn up until midday, then have to leave at 3 because "it'll be a struggle to get home". The three hours that they are in would then be full of attempts at bloody martyrdom "well some of us made it in".

We have the opposite. Most of my colleagues are either usually based outdoors, at remote offices, or making a number of site visits. Days like today are pure chaos because everyone turns up at the town office for the day, we don't have enough desks for us all, it's tremendously noisy, and as a result no-one really gets anything done! And then we run out of tea as well.

 

[Bodian]

I had to go to a 4pm meeting yesterday and was nervously looking out of the window at the London weather hoping it would be over quickly....

Unfortunately one of the participants decided he wanted to review what the terms of the meeting were. There then followed 30 minutes when absolutely nothing happened other people talking crap about what crap we should be talking about. And of course, no terms actually changed.

Result? Me getting home at 8pm and the knob who started the discussion nice and warm in his posh Chiswick pad at 630.

Grrr!!!!!!


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My line manager has got it into his head that all our meetings should have 'timed agendas'. Problem (a) is that it is impossible to guess which items are going to take the time, and problem (b) is that we always overrun the very first item because he loves talking corporate crap.

 

[Badger]

This would give you roughly ONE MINUTE of joy.

Then tomorrow, you'll suffer today's BASH, BANG, CLATTER, but with added SELF-IMPORTANT SIGHING, MUTTERING, and LOUD EXHALING.

A dilemma for sure...

I was too late. Someone else has come over and started packing the contents of the cupboard into boxes ready for the move. So this morning's tidying was 100% POINTLESS.

 

[Badger]

My line manager has got it into his head that all our meetings should have 'timed agendas'. Problem (a) is that it is impossible to guess which items are going to take the time, and problem (b) is that we always overrun the very first item because he loves talking corporate crap.

Is your line manager Gareth Keenan?

 

[timbha]

My line manager has got it into his head that all our meetings should have 'timed agendas'. Problem (a) is that it is impossible to guess which items are going to take the time, and problem (b) is that we always overrun the very first item because he loves talking corporate crap.

Oh yeah, that one - agenda allows 5 minutes for ACTIONS c/f when there are 10 or more actions that no one has bothered to do and takes 30 mins to agree new completion dates leaving a few minutes of the meeting for the main item,then the “really important” people have to leave cos they have a BACK 2 BACK meeting to attend.

 

[Sirnormangall]

You’re welcome to use it [emoji23][emoji23]

Re the PMs, it’s the universal language of TOSS. We have exactly the same (even bigger firm).......dreadful contractor/consultant PMs employed by the ‘Global Transformation Team’ spewing out drivel 24/7, putting countless ‘hothouses’ (meetings) in the diary which are ALWAYS at least 2 hours long and have EVERYONE invited because a) they can’t run a meeting b) can’t make a decision c) have no real work to do so have to pad their days out to justify their ridiculous daily rates and d) know f-all about anything so extend the invite to anyone who might have a passing interest.

As a result, EVERY meeting results in no decisions, no actions, no progress and a resolve to organise yet another 2 hour ******* meeting.......

The life-sucking, salary-thieving useless ******* *******.

Very disappointed that no one has mentioned project “scrum” meetings.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

We had to have a one hour double team meeting about whether the window should be...

a) open/ajar

or

b) closed

The office ventilation is poor and far too hot most of the time (also too many people in an unventilated space) !!! FFS if you're feeling a bit cool, put a jumper on, instead of swanning round in some summer top in the middle of February. I've had two fans running most of the week in a desperate attempt to stay awake in the fug.

Too many middle aged women acting like 13 year olds' in the school playground, generally bitching and forming little cliques with each other - two of them even seem to have to hold hands when they want a drink or go to the bog - always together.

Regrettably I had a previous appointment elsewhere, so missed it.

 

[dazzer6666]

Very disappointed that no one has mentioned project “scrum” meetings.

Better than that, they all now keep spouting ‘Agile methodology’ like it’s a big new thing. As far as I can see it’s a BS replacement for ‘just ****ing get on with it’ but allows them to claim the credit.

 

[Sirnormangall]

Better than that, they all now keep spouting ‘Agile methodology’ like it’s a big new thing. As far as I can see it’s a BS replacement for ‘just ****ing get on with it’ but allows them to claim the credit.

Ah yes, the wonderful Agile - much faster and much less thorough.