Bell Cheeses at work

[happypig]

I had to work with a feller today for the first time in years and I was reminded of his claim to fame: He used to print out al his emails and read them on the train home.

 

[Dave the OAP]

PE issues? Penile Erection issues? I am not well endowed enough to require extra leg room for the third one, you are blessed.

Hilarious.

 

[bn1&bn3 Albion]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

Laughed so hard I managed to spit my mouthful of ice cream all over my table and monitor..

 

[dazzer6666]

I had to work with a feller today for the first time in years and I was reminded of his claim to fame: He used to print out al his emails and read them on the train home.

Worked with one like that fairly recently. He’d handwrite all his replies, and his PA would type them the following day..........

 

[Badger]

I had to work with a feller today for the first time in years and I was reminded of his claim to fame: He used to print out al his emails and read them on the train home.

Worked with one like that fairly recently. He’d handwrite all his replies, and his PA would type them the following day..........

Tremendous uses of resources

I used to work with a project manager who'd send me an email; then a minute later he'd appear at my desk asking if I got his email.

 

[dazzer6666]

Tremendous uses of resources

I used to work with a project manager who'd send me an email; then a minute later he'd appear at my desk asking if I got his email.

‘I’m not paid to type.....but she is’ was the daft old luddite’s usual line...........

 

[AmexRuislip]

Tremendous uses of resources

I used to work with a project manager who'd send me an email; then a minute later he'd appear at my desk asking if I got his email.

Brilliant, sounds like someone i know

 

[FatSuperman]

Worked with one like that fairly recently. He’d handwrite all his replies, and his PA would type them the following day..........

Ahh, the email printing person reminds me of Steve. REALLY odd chap I worked opposite at an orange supermarket company, he was one of those people that was the only source of information about a particular area / system in the company, so you had no choice but to speak to him if you needed to know about it. He was American and has had some really weird jobs, he used to do lighting for Metallica or something, and then travelled the world doing it in the circus - seen the photos, this is legit. You'd think this would make him INCREDIBLY interesting. Unfortunately, his bellendery trumps all of that. In five years he never once told me about tearing it up with a metal band, nope. Instead he told me a lot, in detail and often, about a bridge near where he used to live in Florida. He has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the history of this ****ing bridge - it's just a modest 4-lane bridge over a pissy river in a shitstain American town. Technically, I should be the world's second-most expert on this bridge, if I hadn't zoned out every time he mentioned it, instead spending the time fantasising about attacking him.

ANYWAY, the truly weird thing about Steve is his travel log. Every single day he would record the time he left his house, the time he arrived at the tube station, the time he left the tube station and the time he arrived at his desk. EVERY day. He had a stack of exercise books recording his journey for almost 25 years. There is no reason behind this. He doesn't then use the information in any way. He doesn't produce graphs or stats or anything that might feasibly be useful or slightly interesting. It's just a habit. Some people smoke. Some people shoplift. This bellend writes times down in books.

To top it off, his wife is minted so he doesn't even need to work. BELL.

 

[clarkey]

Worked with one like that fairly recently. He’d handwrite all his replies, and his PA would type them the following day..........

We had a tax 'expert' who belonged in the eighteenth century. We needed to see some workings for whatever it was, and he sent across a scanned version of a calculation he'd done - handwritten, and clearly no calculator used either with long division and all that stuff everywhere.

Obviously sent it back to him, saying can I have this in Excel format please.

What came back was the same handwritten scan, overlaid on another piece of paper where he'd clearly hand drawn gridlines in pencil.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Once worked at a large NHS site in Sussex where there had been quite a bit of IT equipment theft. So one day, one of the maintenance guys came round with one of those invisible ink pen things that show up under ultraviolet light and went round marking all of the screens, desktop PCs etc. Just to pass the time of day I innocently asked him how he knew when his pen had run out of ink. He said he didn't know, but he was leaving at the end of the week so he was just going round writing BOLLOCKS on everything.

 

[Eric Youngs Contact Lense]

decent covering of snow and plenty of work-shy fops. Perfect breeding ground for Bell-Cheesery..
When will the "you wouldn't believe my journey into work" stories end?
The "we had more snow than you" competition
"it's snowing pretty bad in my village, so may need to leave now to ensure I get home"

 

[Birdie Boy]

Tremendous uses of resources [emoji38]ol:

I used to work with a project manager who'd send me an email; then a minute later he'd appear at my desk asking if I got his email.

Aren't all PMs like that? Every where I have worked they have been. I've actually started doing it myself, I'd better stop that real quick.

 

[Birdie Boy]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

I smell love in the air, you don't stop going on about her.. lol. Presumably she is fit though as she goes to the gym twice a day. We need pics..

 

[Albalbion]

I smell love in the air, you don't stop going on about her.. lol. Presumably she is fit though as she goes to the gym twice a day. We need pics..

I might be able to put up with her a bit more if she was even remotely attractive, alas, no such luck [emoji20]

 

[PTC Gull]

Once worked at a large NHS site in Sussex where there had been quite a bit of IT equipment theft. So one day, one of the maintenance guys came round with one of those invisible ink pen things that show up under ultraviolet light and went round marking all of the screens, desktop PCs etc. Just to pass the time of day I innocently asked him how he knew when his pen had run out of ink. He said he didn't know, but he was leaving at the end of the week so he was just going round writing BOLLOCKS on everything.

That gives me an idea for when I leave.

 

[Albalbion]

BC has just spent a solid five minutes trying to scrape the ‘marked down’ barcode off of a particularly CRUNCHY food packaging. This accompanied by ‘you know they shouldn’t do this when I NEED to scan the original barcode to put in ‘my fitness pal’ so I can count the calories I’m eating’ (OH ARE YOU ON A DIET YOU HAVENT MENTIONED IT TWENTY TIMES TODAY?!) This after SCOFFING a packet of prawn crackers as NOISILY as possible. Thank god I’m leaving in twenty minutes.


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[dazzer6666]

decent covering of snow and plenty of work-shy fops. Perfect breeding ground for Bell-Cheesery..
When will the "you wouldn't believe my journey into work" stories end?
The "we had more snow than you" competition
"it's snowing pretty bad in my village, so may need to leave now to ensure I get home"

Just had an email from someone cancelling a meeting we were due to have 'because of the snow, it's really heavy now.......'

Less than 5 mins later messaged saying 'it's stopped now, can we still have the meeting ?'

 

[dazzer6666]

BC has just spent a solid five minutes trying to scrape the ‘marked down’ barcode off of a particularly CRUNCHY food packaging. This accompanied by ‘you know they shouldn’t do this when I NEED to scan the original barcode to put in ‘my fitness pal’ so I can count the calories I’m eating’ (OH ARE YOU ON A DIET YOU HAVENT MENTIONED IT TWENTY TIMES TODAY?!) This after SCOFFING a packet of prawn crackers as NOISILY as possible. Thank god I’m leaving in twenty minutes.


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Brilliant, keep them coming

 

[FatSuperman]

Thank god I’m leaving in twenty minutes.

Snowing in your village is it?

 

[Albalbion]

Snowing in your village is it?

Haha I wish I could get away with that, I just started early today


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