Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

Polish girl working in my team.

Quite a knobbish Director who sits adjacent to her was having an issue with his chair in that the recline lever kept failing such that he was inclined to jerk backwards. It was getting to him and he engaged himself in a battle to get the lever to stick. This resulted in him wobbling to and fro whilst gripping the lever.

Polish girl was watching and after a minute or so loudly proclaimed " oh Jonathan keep going like that and I am sure you will ejaculate soon".

She has meant to use the term 'eject' as if he were in an ejector seat.

Created quite a lot of sniggering and chortling.

Slightly OT, but went to Krakow a couple of weeks ago for a recce as we’re looking to ‘offshore’ stuff in my function. Luckily, everyone we met was well qualified, spoke very good English and would kick the average London-based candidate into the long grass (and are about a third of the cost).

That aside, the office looked like a recruitment agency for Models One. I’ve told my boss that I’ll need to be spending LOTS of time in Poland to make this work [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji41]

 

[Cian]

Most of my team in work have the cameras taped over on their laptops due to an incident that's only spoken about in hushed tones and even I haven't managed to figure out properly after 18 months. Safe to say that it involved Lync, a group meeting, a video presentation and "something" that I suspect provided video to match the water story above's sounds at the very least.

 

[happypig]

Absolutely textbook bellcheesery alert.

We've just had a bit of a restructure at our company, which has now been completed pretty much. In order for one of the new functional directors to introduce himself to his new team, a mass conference call was arranged for this morning. The usual sort of nonsense: the director gives a very rallying speech and there's a time for a Q&A at the end etc etc. I was sitting in a room with a couple of the guys in my team and we dialled in to listen. Unfortunately, one of the junior lads on my team who had dialled us into the call forgot to put our phone on mute. Always being nervous about the whole mute function thing, I NEVER risk saying anything when listening on a call. Sadly, the junior lad doesn't have the same level of nous. About 10 minutes into the director's rambling address, he turned to one of other guys and said:

"F**k me, this guy could bore the paint off a wall. Why on earth did they get rid of X and bring him in instead? His voice makes me want to top myself. Can you imagine having to report directly to him?"

As he was saying this, I immediately looked at the phone to see if the red mute button was illuminated. I think the look on my face was enough for the penny to drop for the poor lad. That, and the fact that the director had suddenly gone silent. There was an excruciating pause on all sides for about 10 seconds before a callous colleague decided to well and truly drop the lad in it.

"Whoever just said that, we can hear you. It might be a good idea to learn how to use the mute button, CHARLES" (there's only one lad with that name in our team).

Savage. Absolutely savage

I've been getting "invites" to this sort of call for a few years. Some of them are labelled "All Hands" or "Mandatory".

I've never bothered with a single one of them as I suspect they are complete bullshit.

 

[Albalbion]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

 

[timbha]

welcome. Great post and even GREATER use of capitals!!

 

[dazzer6666]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

Welcome to the thread.....don’t want to disappoint you, but EVERY OFFICE has one of these [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

 

[timbha]

Welcome to the thread.....don’t want to disappoint you, but EVERY OFFICE has one of these [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

funny thing is that however big the firm, office or dept, there is only ONE (plus a biggish lady who is on a diet, eats a lot, drinks diet coke .....and does payroll)

 

[lawros left foot]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

I hope you’re not thinking the armed forces will be any different from this?

 

[Guinness Boy]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

....and breathe.......

Top rant fella. My deepest sympathies.

 

[dazzer6666]

funny thing is that however big the firm, office or dept, there is only ONE (plus a biggish lady who is on a diet, eats a lot, drinks diet coke .....and does payroll)

Oh yes, the fitbit fatbird who gets most of her daily steps in by going to and from the vending machine/fridge.........

 

[Albalbion]

I hope you’re not thinking the armed forces will be any different from this?

Haha no I guess I will see some utter bellends there too but the upside is I wont have to work in London anymore so you know, silver linings and that...

 

[Brian Fantana]

I have avoided this thread for so long, because the title of it for some reason made me think I wouldn't be interested in it. I was very wrong, I have an utter BELLCHEESE at my work who irritates me from about two minutes into the day until she leaves. I was busy trying not to be irritated by her one day when I saw this thread and thought 'How appropriate!'. I have now been reading it for three days. Its been therapeutic just reading other people struggles with constant bellendery in the office, I thought I'd finally share my own.

1) Is CONSTANTLY banging on about the Gym, how she went to the gym this morning and how she HAS to go to the gym after work or shell just DIE. This may not seem that bad but im not even kidding she probably mentions the gym upwards of 30 times a day. She once bragged that she could do 20 odd pull ups and so many hundred of push ups. She than challenged me and another girl in the office to an arm wrestle, we both beat her within seconds it was like folding paper. I'm not kidding she then asked if we could film her beating us (staged) so she could instagram it. Jesus wept.

2) You cannot go for lunch, bring lunch in, mention any type of food without her BANGING ON about the healthy aspects of it, I'm currently in training to join the forces so I am quite conscious of what I'm eating most of the time but she has to chime in on EVERYTHING, just SHUT UP!

3) Cannot follow basic instructions, one of her duties is to turn the bells off when I test the fire alarm every week. That's all she has to do, press one button 'Silence Alarms' whilst I carry out the rest of the building checks. She has been here four months now, which means she has done this task 16 times, how can you **** up pressing ONE BUTTON every single time.

4) Single most annoying voice I've ever heard.

5) Constantly talking absolute RUBBISH. I'm not even kidding she once stopped me doing my work to say 'Oh guess what I never told you!' I'm thinking: 'Please, please fill me in on this inane drivel you are about to crap out of your mouth'. 'I had a Donut yesterday!'. Jesus Christ I nearly died of excitement.

6) Always moaning about something, not well, not coping with something and its never her fault. She has dyslexia which gets the blame for her doing poorly in EVERY ASPECT of her job (even the ones that require no reading or writing), even though we have bought her aides she requested to help with dyslexia, she doesn't use them and then still complains about it. Doesn't wear her glasses either though she has to.

7) Everything is about her, I have a very small office with only three of us in it, so she manages to get in on every single conversation and manages to turn it into something completely irrelevant. Usually the SODDING GYM. As mentioned I work in a very small office, so was up making a cup of tea and when there's only three there its kinda rude not to offer the other two tea right? She said 'No thanks I have mine a very particular way' Bingo one less tea for me to make right? Should have been, but me being an idiot and already annoyed at her for having a special way to make tea that only she could possibly carry out, asked her how she took it as I'm up anyway ill just do it however she likes it, 'Oh okay, so I put the tea bag in, hot water, and a little bit of milk please...' SO LIKE EVERYBODY BLOODY ELSE THEN YOU UTTER UTTER BELLEND!

God it feels good to rant about this hahaha the other guy in the office (her manager) confided in me that he got so annoyed by a 'sorry for myself' text that he received from her one day that he just threw the mug he was holding at his wall and smashed it hahaha thankfully I should be leaving soon so literally cannot wait to never see her again.

Welcome, brother.

Top ranting.

 

[Albalbion]

....and breathe.......

Top rant fella. My deepest sympathies.

Thanks mate, feels like a weight has lifted

 

[Dave the OAP]

I've been getting "invites" to this sort of call for a few years. Some of them are labelled "All Hands" or "Mandatory".

I've never bothered with a single one of them as I suspect they are complete bullshit.

"All hands" or " town hall meetings"

 

[lawros left foot]

Haha no I guess I will see some utter bellends there too but the upside is I wont have to work in London anymore so you know, silver linings and that...

All the best in your new career

 

[Guinness Boy]

"All hands" or " town hall meetings"

We have "kick offs"

 

[Albalbion]

All the best in your new career

Thank you!

 

[Dave the OAP]

We have "kick offs"

Yep them too!

I had to fly to the us once and you wouldn't believe the hassle I had trying to get extra left room or an upgrade. Complete jobsworth deliberately booked me a seat in the last row of cattle class next to a window. When I got to the airport, I mentioned to the very nice young man on check in that I had previous PE issues and he questioned how the stupid cow hadn't deliberately picked the worst seat on the plane and shifted me to a door seat ther and back.

I told her when I got back and she said she didn't believe that I had an issue and got the CEO to phone me saying I had acted in a bullying manner.....I explained what had happened and he contacted HR who told him I was off for 2 months. He phone me back and apologised and I was trying to store up stuff to stich her up and the cow resigned before I had the chance!

 

[timbha]

PE issues, didn’t know you could get extra legroom for premature ...... surely not!

 

[Baldseagull]

Yep them too!

I had to fly to the us once and you wouldn't believe the hassle I had trying to get extra left room or an upgrade. Complete jobsworth deliberately booked me a seat in the last row of cattle class next to a window. When I got to the airport, I mentioned to the very nice young man on check in that I had previous PE issues and he questioned how the stupid cow hadn't deliberately picked the worst seat on the plane and shifted me to a door seat ther and back.

I told her when I got back and she said she didn't believe that I had an issue and got the CEO to phone me saying I had acted in a bullying manner.....I explained what had happened and he contacted HR who told him I was off for 2 months. He phone me back and apologised and I was trying to store up stuff to stich her up and the cow resigned before I had the chance!

PE issues? Penile Erection issues? I am not well endowed enough to require extra leg room for the third one, you are blessed.