Bell Cheeses at work

[The Fish]

Was on a project in conjunction with the Met Police for a time and the number of bellends there would... well it wouldn't surprise you at all to be honest.

One in particular was so bad that we had 2 printed A4 pages of Stanisms. Stan was a 50ish yr old, over weight man with gout, who regularly drank pints of Bovril. I've forgotten most of the Stanisms (and some only work if you know the context) but a few stick in the memory;

He didn't see like "normal people" as his peripheral range of vision was greater than ours.
He invented the Automatic Number Plate Recognition system.
He hacked into a bank when he was 16yrs old and stole £500k, but felt guilty and transferred it to a charity
His regular, run of the mill, fishing vest wasn't that at all. You couldn't buy these, you had to be issued them. By whom he wouldn't say, but "safe to say you don't want to mess with them".
His gammy hip wasn't because he was an overweight 50yr old with a terrible diet, it was because he was gored by a stag...
He isn't theistic, agnostic or atheistic, but when pressed he sighed and sadly said we wouldn't understand.
He could understand and speak 7 languages, English (he could), Welsh (I think he could, but to be fair can anyone understand Welsh?) French, Italian, (he absolutely couldn't) and three others "which should be obvious."
He once went on a date with Tilda Swinton, but he didn't fancy her so he dumped her there and then.


Walter Mitty ain't got shit on Stan.

 

[PTC Gull]

I have just received an email inviting me to " an immersion session ...... as part of the onboarding process"
I only joined the company quite recently , and this surprising aquatic/surf dimension to it has hitherto entirely passed me by.

Ha. They will have you "swimming upstream" under a 'Blue Sky" in no time.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

Ha. They will have you "swimming upstream" under a 'Blue Sky" in no time.

And once out of water if cold you could have a "huddle" meeting

 

[TheJasperCo]

Oooo, that takes me back. Early 90's I was working in Worthing and the feller that ran the office I was in (100 or so engineers) was known to one and all as a complete c..t; Let's call him Brian.

It had always been tradition that, as the work dropped off on Xmas Eve people were allowed to beetle off after lunch leaving a skeleton staff for emergencies. This year Brian put round a memo stating "no-one is to leave early on Christmas Eve and anyone found to be doing so will be disciplined."
About 2pm, Brian made his way through the office (unusual as he always came in the back door to avoid having anything to do with us scumbags) saying loudly "I'm off now, have a good Christmas". This was met by stunned silence from most of those present except for one feller who just shouted "C*NT!" (dunno who it was, I'm admitting nothing). Brian stopped and had an angry stare at us all before heading off home early.

I would still, 20+ years later, push him under a bus, the hypocrite.

Funny, was his name actually Brian by any chance?

 

[MattBackHome]

Was on a project in conjunction with the Met Police for a time and the number of bellends there would... well it wouldn't surprise you at all to be honest.

One in particular was so bad that we had 2 printed A4 pages of Stanisms. Stan was a 50ish yr old, over weight man with gout, who regularly drank pints of Bovril. I've forgotten most of the Stanisms (and some only work if you know the context) but a few stick in the memory;

He didn't see like "normal people" as his peripheral range of vision was greater than ours.
He invented the Automatic Number Plate Recognition system.
He hacked into a bank when he was 16yrs old and stole £500k, but felt guilty and transferred it to a charity
His regular, run of the mill, fishing vest wasn't that at all. You couldn't buy these, you had to be issued them. By whom he wouldn't say, but "safe to say you don't want to mess with them".
His gammy hip wasn't because he was an overweight 50yr old with a terrible diet, it was because he was gored by a stag...
He isn't theistic, agnostic or atheistic, but when pressed he sighed and sadly said we wouldn't understand.
He could understand and speak 7 languages, English (he could), Welsh (I think he could, but to be fair can anyone understand Welsh?) French, Italian, (he absolutely couldn't) and three others "which should be obvious."
He once went on a date with Tilda Swinton, but he didn't fancy her so he dumped her there and then.


Walter Mitty ain't got shit on Stan.

Wonderful

 

[Badger]

Was on a project in conjunction with the Met Police for a time and the number of bellends there would... well it wouldn't surprise you at all to be honest.

One in particular was so bad that we had 2 printed A4 pages of Stanisms. Stan was a 50ish yr old, over weight man with gout, who regularly drank pints of Bovril. I've forgotten most of the Stanisms (and some only work if you know the context) but a few stick in the memory;

He didn't see like "normal people" as his peripheral range of vision was greater than ours.
He invented the Automatic Number Plate Recognition system.
He hacked into a bank when he was 16yrs old and stole £500k, but felt guilty and transferred it to a charity
His regular, run of the mill, fishing vest wasn't that at all. You couldn't buy these, you had to be issued them. By whom he wouldn't say, but "safe to say you don't want to mess with them".
His gammy hip wasn't because he was an overweight 50yr old with a terrible diet, it was because he was gored by a stag...
He isn't theistic, agnostic or atheistic, but when pressed he sighed and sadly said we wouldn't understand.
He could understand and speak 7 languages, English (he could), Welsh (I think he could, but to be fair can anyone understand Welsh?) French, Italian, (he absolutely couldn't) and three others "which should be obvious."
He once went on a date with Tilda Swinton, but he didn't fancy her so he dumped her there and then.


Walter Mitty ain't got shit on Stan.

Did he ever have a job as the leader of North Korea?

 

[Guinness Boy]

Not so long ago we hired a married couple who were not interviewed by anyone in our office, but rather by their mate who works in our overseas head office. Together they have become known as the Useless New Developers.

He, at least, knows coding standards and team management but he gets very little done because his main job appears to be covering up for his wife, who is ****ing useless. It has so far taken her two weeks to code a simple report that would have taken a graduate about a day. Her main contribution to one of my meetings was to continually ask what a term meant that had been defined at the start of the document we were reviewing and ALL her emails are sent marked as Important.

While not a chubster - in fact quite trim - she is Russian with a tenuous grip on English and a face like a slapped a**e. No one has ever seen her smile.

Two things, however, have made my week. Firstly she volunteered to run Secret Santa to (I kid you not) "cheer the office up". However, she's so useless she's not done anything about it and I'm now not going to be in the office enough to take part. Secondly I got drunk with my boss last night and he confided that he can't stand either of them and is urgently seeking to get them "reassigned". Good times.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[happypig]

Funny, was his name actually Brian by any chance?

No, Liam

 

[The Fish]

Did he ever have a job as the leader of North Korea?

No but he does have Boris Johnson's number, on his "other phone".

The daft thing is, he's been a radio engineer for the Police for decades so has plenty of true stories, was one of the first people on the scene of the Hatfield rail crash by pure coincidence, he runs a couple of small businesses... there's literally no need for him to make stuff up.

 

[Hiney]

A few days ago me and my two rota partners were invited to go on a training session being run as a skype meeting by a developer from India.

Oh dear

 

[One Love]

No but he does have Boris Johnson's number, on his "other phone".

The daft thing is, he's been a radio engineer for the Police for decades so has plenty of true stories, was one of the first people on the scene of the Hatfield rail crash by pure coincidence, he runs a couple of small businesses... there's literally no need for him to make stuff up.

Maybe he's not

 

[Guinness Boy]

In my client's office in the West Midlands today. I've made it here from Brighton whereas half the people I'm meant to meet are working from home due to the snow.

Still, at least I got to hear the girl behind me say "when I have s Curly Wurly I only eat the holes".


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Springal]

We were acquired a couple of months ago and I only go into the new office once a week, however I am slightly sad there is no bellendery that I have detected so far. Everyone seems quite nice and normal ? Still time...

 

[DavidRyder]

Was on a project in conjunction with the Met Police for a time and the number of bellends there would... well it wouldn't surprise you at all to be honest.

One in particular was so bad that we had 2 printed A4 pages of Stanisms. Stan was a 50ish yr old, over weight man with gout, who regularly drank pints of Bovril. I've forgotten most of the Stanisms (and some only work if you know the context) but a few stick in the memory;

He didn't see like "normal people" as his peripheral range of vision was greater than ours.
He invented the Automatic Number Plate Recognition system.
He hacked into a bank when he was 16yrs old and stole £500k, but felt guilty and transferred it to a charity
His regular, run of the mill, fishing vest wasn't that at all. You couldn't buy these, you had to be issued them. By whom he wouldn't say, but "safe to say you don't want to mess with them".
His gammy hip wasn't because he was an overweight 50yr old with a terrible diet, it was because he was gored by a stag...
He isn't theistic, agnostic or atheistic, but when pressed he sighed and sadly said we wouldn't understand.
He could understand and speak 7 languages, English (he could), Welsh (I think he could, but to be fair can anyone understand Welsh?) French, Italian, (he absolutely couldn't) and three others "which should be obvious."
He once went on a date with Tilda Swinton, but he didn't fancy her so he dumped her there and then.


Walter Mitty ain't got shit on Stan.

He The Man!

 

[Badger]

We were acquired a couple of months ago and I only go into the new office once a week, however I am slightly sad there is no bellendery that I have detected so far. Everyone seems quite nice and normal ? Still time...

If the other people aren't the bell cheeses.......

 

[Papa Lazarou]

We were acquired a couple of months ago and I only go into the new office once a week, however I am slightly sad there is no bellendery that I have detected so far. Everyone seems quite nice and normal ? Still time...

If the other people aren't the bell cheeses.......

Yep "That guy, he only comes in once a week, and he spends all day watching me... as if he's trying to find fault. It's creepy" ... "and you should hear him eating crisps, the chubster"...

You see your work colleagues - that's what they say about you.

 

[DerekZoolander]

People who put the letters after their names on email signatures.

Wankers.

LLB (Hons).

**** off.

 

[dazzer6666]

People who put the letters after their names on email signatures.

Wankers.

LLB (Hons).

**** off.

This....got one this morning from xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx, Chartered MCSI, ACII, DipPFS

So ****ing what ??

 

[WhingForPresident]

This....got one this morning from xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx, Chartered MCSI, ACII, DipPFS

So ****ing what ??

I have just looked through my inbox to find this beauty of a signature on an e-mail I got a few months back:

Eur Ing *His Name* B Eng (Hons) CEng FICE FPWI RPP MAPM

 

[BlockDpete]

No letters, but what about someone putting their own , possibly Churchill, style quote after their email signature?

Meaning "I'm so clued up on this ,and think it is so important" (name)....