Or a wanky corporate slogan.........
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Bell Cheeses at work
- Thread starter Iggle Piggle
- Start date
Or a wanky corporate slogan.........
Ken Livingstone Seagull
Well-known member
Excellent. And on a side note, Mr. Derek, I salute you: 69 posts since August 2011.
That, sir, is classic lurking which is, alas, all too rare in this manor.
Excellent. And on a side note, Mr. Derek, I salute you: 69 posts since August 2011.
That, sir, is classic lurking which is, alas, all too rare in this manor.
I've got 3 times that many posts just on this thread
Sirnormangall
Well-known member
- Sep 21, 2017
- 3,178
Or a "vision statement" or "mission statement" - or both.
Apologies. Thought my description covered both [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
- Jul 10, 2003
- 27,767
Many years ago, working for one of the big 5 banks, my department were allocated quite a large budget to come up with a mission statement. After many hours of various lunches, large meeting rooms and significant refreshments we came up with 'We're not at home to Mr cockup'.
Head office was not impressed
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I used to work for a company that started an initiative to give a £50 prize for the best monthly cost saving idea from a member of staff. The initiative eventually stopped after someone proposed the best saving idea should be to reduce the prize to £25. I swear this is true.
Yes - we have both of those. We also have 'Values', although I was amused by the following:
"Good Morning
On the 19th of October, we launched new values across the organisation. This piece of work followed many months of consultation, feedback, development and communication planning, all headed up by Jane. It was a huge piece of work and will continue to develop and be embedded in coming months into the way we operate as an organisation.
As part of the communication of this, some of your colleagues volunteered to be featured on posters that remind us of the values that we aspire towards. I thank those people who participated in this poster project.
Sadly, between Friday and today, some of the posters have been vandalised. I have no doubt that this is someone trying to be humorous, however, this is misplaced in this instance. The values and the colleagues who have participated in the values posters project deserve respect.
I would ask that the person that has done this remedy their handiwork today.
Mine & Jane’s doors are always open. If you have any feedback or anything you want to discuss, please come and talk to us.
Thanks
John"
Needless to say, no-one has done anything to 'remedy' this. And the posters, complete with their new goggle-eyes are looking good!
goldstoned
New member
- Mar 4, 2011
- 26
Excellent. And on a side note, Mr. Derek, I salute you: 69 posts since August 2011.
That, sir, is classic lurking which is, alas, all too rare in this manor.
Isn't it difficult to tell how many lurkers there are?
Sirnormangall
Well-known member
- Sep 21, 2017
- 3,178
No Values project is complete without pens, mouse mats and mugs.
happypig
Staring at the rude boys
My mate reminded me the other day of a woman who we used to work with in the 80s. She used to take customer calls; she was totally useless and, to be blunt, thick as shit. She never stopped talking to the old witch she sat next to so her notes were half-arsed at best. Some of her work included "customer lives in a door", "ring knocker for access", "go to 2nd floor garage" and the best, after leaving her shift-lock on "CALL (@&$%%^!£& FOR ACCESS" - when we decoded @&$%%^!£& and called it, not a working number.
Peter Grummit
Well-known member
Engineers are the worst at this. Many will sit through the dullest evening meetings in their own time to validate membership of the Bobbin-winding club if it means some extra obscure letters can be added.
PG
BA(Econ) MSc (Eng) DIC
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
So I got dragged into the office Secret Santa bellcheesery this year, and it’s all gone quite horribly wrong.
I pulled out Lesley. A 30-something mumsy obsessed with her small kids (LOUD telephone conversations in the office with them, lots of eye-rolling “aren’t they little cherubs please acknowledge me” sort of thing, you know the type). Her emotions are on a hair-trigger as well. She once burst into tears when she ordered a batch of company compliment slips that turned out to be FAR too glossy for a ballpoint pen to write on, hence they were utterly useless. And when she received about the 6th phonecall that week asking if we had any other compliment slips that, you know, we could actually write on, she basically had a meltdown that required an extended tearful toilet visit with two other bints just to calm her down.
ANYWAY. She was about the last person I wanted to draw out to buy a Secret Santa for. But at least its secret, I reasoned, so it won’t really matter what the hell I get her. So yesterday I’ve been shopping all morning, I’m fed up, I just want to get back for the football, and I’m hunting round a store for her bloody secret gift. You’re only supposed to do a fiver, so I happen upon this novelty rubber duck for use in a bath, with an added twist – it vibrates. It was £5.99. I decide “that’ll do”, and toss it in the basket. Another present ticked off the list at least.
I come in today, and to my surprise there’s a big box full of all the Secret Santa presents on a desk, all neatly wrapped. Then Lesley (of all people) starts dishing them out round the office.
“Hang on, isn’t this for the end of the week ?”
“Noooo, lots of people will be off so we’re doing it today”.
“Ahh….well, err…ok. I’ve bought it, but its at home, I haven’t wrapped it yet” – and as soon as I said it, I realised that when everyone else has got their gift except HER, then the Secret Santa suddenly isn’t a secret at all. Sure enough, one by one everyone (including me) got theirs, only one person was left empty-handed, and now she obviously knows who it’ll be from. She didn't say anything, but as famously quoted once by Malcolm Tucker "its out there...like a big hairy rapist in a coach park".
So basically, I bought the most neurotic, overly-sensitive, emotionally volatile bint in the office....a duck vibrator. FML.
I pulled out Lesley. A 30-something mumsy obsessed with her small kids (LOUD telephone conversations in the office with them, lots of eye-rolling “aren’t they little cherubs please acknowledge me” sort of thing, you know the type). Her emotions are on a hair-trigger as well. She once burst into tears when she ordered a batch of company compliment slips that turned out to be FAR too glossy for a ballpoint pen to write on, hence they were utterly useless. And when she received about the 6th phonecall that week asking if we had any other compliment slips that, you know, we could actually write on, she basically had a meltdown that required an extended tearful toilet visit with two other bints just to calm her down.
ANYWAY. She was about the last person I wanted to draw out to buy a Secret Santa for. But at least its secret, I reasoned, so it won’t really matter what the hell I get her. So yesterday I’ve been shopping all morning, I’m fed up, I just want to get back for the football, and I’m hunting round a store for her bloody secret gift. You’re only supposed to do a fiver, so I happen upon this novelty rubber duck for use in a bath, with an added twist – it vibrates. It was £5.99. I decide “that’ll do”, and toss it in the basket. Another present ticked off the list at least.
I come in today, and to my surprise there’s a big box full of all the Secret Santa presents on a desk, all neatly wrapped. Then Lesley (of all people) starts dishing them out round the office.
“Hang on, isn’t this for the end of the week ?”
“Noooo, lots of people will be off so we’re doing it today”.
“Ahh….well, err…ok. I’ve bought it, but its at home, I haven’t wrapped it yet” – and as soon as I said it, I realised that when everyone else has got their gift except HER, then the Secret Santa suddenly isn’t a secret at all. Sure enough, one by one everyone (including me) got theirs, only one person was left empty-handed, and now she obviously knows who it’ll be from. She didn't say anything, but as famously quoted once by Malcolm Tucker "its out there...like a big hairy rapist in a coach park".
So basically, I bought the most neurotic, overly-sensitive, emotionally volatile bint in the office....a duck vibrator. FML.
Papa Lazarou
Living in a De Zerbi wonderland
Can you get a colleague to video the big reveal? Please?
Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
I think that would be unwise. I might chicken out and have a hunt round the house tonight, see if I can find a box of Ferrero Rocher or something.
Sake.
A bottle of plonk with 2 valium sellotaped to the neck sounds ideal.
Sirnormangall
Well-known member
- Sep 21, 2017
- 3,178
Some good advice from my missus, Lady Gall, is that you should consider what all the other office gifts were like: if there were lots of joke type presents, give her the duck; if they were all sensible presents give her chocs or a bottle of wine.
There's a guy sat on the bank of desks behind me who moans like hell at this time of year when people come into the office and sneeze / cough because there are various sickness bugs going around. If he has a major problem with that then fine, but he loses any claims he might claim to have to a moral high ground through one particular fact.
He sits at his desk and sings. Out loud. And normally at volume.
He also drums his fingers loudly on his desk, hums, makes weird bird twittering noises and has a mobile phone set at "Motorhead concert in your back garden" levels of volume. But SINGING
FFS.
He sits at his desk and sings. Out loud. And normally at volume.
He also drums his fingers loudly on his desk, hums, makes weird bird twittering noises and has a mobile phone set at "Motorhead concert in your back garden" levels of volume. But SINGING
FFS.portlock seagull
Well-known member
- Jul 28, 2003
- 17,777
I’m loving this thread! Thank god I’ve moved away from the Office and more free lance and field bases. I don’t miss it! But good to be reminded of what used to drive me nuts 
I've been dipping in and out of this (very amusing) thread since it started, and I'm finally going to make a contribution: the bloke who sits next to me is THE most disgusting eater I have ever met. He seems to only eat and drink with the front of his mouth, it's almost as if he's kissing and eating at the same time. Everything is slurped and sucked in the most disgusting fashion. And it's constant. Constant! He has cereal for breakfast when he comes in, then toast. He sucks at fruit and chocolate all day, and then sucks at a huge bowl of whatever for his lunch. And as for the days he has soup ... *shudder* Because we're covering each other we have different break times, so I'm stuck at my desk while he does this.
He's not here today fortunately, so he can't look over my shoulder and see me typing this.
He's not here today fortunately, so he can't look over my shoulder and see me typing this.