Bell Cheeses at work

[jakarta]

A welcome return for NSC's Finest Thread.

Always sorry that as I'm self employed I can't contribute much about Office Frolics although there are certainly Bell Cheeses amongst my Clients.

As a (second job) Hourly Paid Lecturer at a certain London University, I could dish a lot of dirt about the Jobsworth Wankpuffins that are employed/steal a living from them.

 

[Bodian]

Imagine the sheer joy I experienced this evening when an email landed in my inbox to tell me our annual 'away day' is going ahead next week, but without the usual piss up as it's during office hours and instead of being at a hotel in a different city it's going to be everyone in the company invading my office. Complete with a questionnaire which will determine 'what kind of animal I am' (already did this two years ago and it was as wanky as it sounds). Had Covid last week as well so can't even claim that to get out of it. ****.

So - what animal were/are you?? Can't leave it like that!

 

[timbha]

Over the past couple of weeks out company have asked people to come into the office at least twice a week as part of a plan to get people back in to the office.

Has anyone else come across the type that think they are a hero coming into the office twice a week and that they are doing the company a favour in doing so?

It’s going to be an interesting period. I know quite a few people who have let it slip that they can beat the system when working from home with child care, shopping, gym visits, parental visits, hair dos, etc, etc all being done during their flexible lunch breaks. One even felt it was unfair when they were asked to be available for a zoom meeting at either 11am, midday or 1pm - all times when they had arranged to be doing something unrelated to work.

In addition people have got used to not paying fares to get to work and are now complaining that they will be financially and time worse off if they are required to go in.

Of course those wanting their staff back in the office will have to justify why !! And no doubt mental health, quite rightly will be brought into the issue.

There is good reason for people to work with other people, to go to work and to come home.

“Hero” for having to go to work, or “victim”?

 

[A1X]

Over the past couple of weeks out company have asked people to come into the office at least twice a week as part of a plan to get people back in to the office.

Has anyone else come across the type that think they are a hero coming into the office twice a week and that they are doing the company a favour in doing so?

Yep. Just changed job and the attitude of my new colleagues is “well it says once a month but actually…”, but my previous boss was very much of the type described. We were offered the opportunity to turn up twice a week from the start of September and he has attended religiously, even though we knew on one day the week before Christmas he was in the office ON HIS OWN. Didn’t even go home at lunchtime in embarrassment, actually sat there on his own the whole day a few days before Christmas.

Moreover, he was clearly extremely irritated none of us subscribed to the same theory that “voluntary” meant “do it anyway”.

 

[Easy 10]

Yep. Just changed job and the attitude of my new colleagues is “well it says once a month but actually…”, but my previous boss was very much of the type described. We were offered the opportunity to turn up twice a week from the start of September and he has attended religiously, even though we knew on one day the week before Christmas he was in the office ON HIS OWN. Didn’t even go home at lunchtime in embarrassment, actually sat there on his own the whole day a few days before Christmas.

Moreover, he was clearly extremely irritated none of us subscribed to the same theory that “voluntary” meant “do it anyway”.

I wouldn't OVERLY disparage being the only person in the entire office. It can actually be quite therapeutic.

We're supposed to be in 3 days out of 5 (Mon, Tue, Thu). I kicked up a grizzle and managed to get Thursday binned off, so I'm only in Mondays and Tuesdays now. Anyway, one day last month (or it may have been January, the mind plays tricks), I arrived on a Monday morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, only to discover that basically, due to some holiday, "sickness" and "I need to WFH's today" pisstakers, it was only me and one of the other bints who'd turned up.

Around 10am her partner called. Her dog was on its last legs and taken a turn for the worst, so sadly it looked like a vet job and an appointment with a needle. She could have been bullshitting, but she's not a malingerer and we'd known of the trevails of her stricken mutt for a while. So she sloped off, and I had the PLACE TO MYSELF all day.

Tempting as it was to do a naked strip and mince around the office with my cock tucked between my legs a-la Silence of the Lambs, I contented myself with switching off the lights (just lovely dim natural ambient light), putting the aircon on to JUST south of 'f*ck me its chilly' in the knowledge I'd not be getting any static or evils from HR, and raiding the mini-fridge for a couple of Beer Friday bottles of Corona that had been wasting away since the first lockdown.

I then spent a blissful day alone doing the square route of f-all, other than listening to a few pods and answering the odd email. Lovely.

 

[dazzer6666]

One thing most people sat up at 11 pm on a Sunday night don't often say is "I literally cannot wait to get to work tomorrow" but it's quite possible it could be the highlight of my week/month if all goes as I expect it to.

By way of some information I recently moved firms after 14 years at the same place. I work in Financial Services (yes another wanker I hear you all shout) and it really was about time I experienced another culture. Myself and another joined a relatively small team of 13 for a large multi national IB/Wealth Management organisation. He in a client facing role and I in a risk management/strategic operations function. He is within five years of my age, has a similar amount of industry experience albeit across 4 firms in total including this one to my 2 and was headhunted for this role by the MD running the team who worked with him at their former shop for 4 years (This point is key and everything that follows should be read with this as context).

It's fair to say that for us both it has been quite the learning experience. The new business is operationally clunky and risk averse. His role includes a large number of inefficient processes requiring lots of checks and balances, requests for hierarchical sign offs and the potential to f*%k up royally at least half a dozen times a day. He's made a number of seemingly rooky errors - hasn't lost clients any money but has left a wake of daily damage as far as the eye can see and whilst he's been picked up on the issues the majority of the times it's been in the form of fairly innocuous reminders from his boss by way of polite catch ups or reminder emails etc but on the face of it it's fair to say he's had a bumpy ride but nothing his experience shouldn't have foreseen or held him in good stead for.

Cue last Wednesday, one of his WFH days, when he uncharacteristically disappeared offline from about 11.30 am and failed to answer numerous phone calls/emails/texts enquiring if he was ok, where he was. Come 11pm that night he emailed a mutual colleague of ours explaining he had a chest infection, has been prescribed antibiotics and won't be in until Monday. Around an hour later he emailed the same to his boss. The man that hired him. Nothing unusual so far....

....until 7.15am the next morning when myself and the colleague he initially emailed confirming he was off sick were b'ccd into an email to HR copying the CEO that ran to 7 pages (he attached a word document for good measure) outlining how the culture was demoralising, toxic and pernicious all at the hands of his boss! The letter went on to outline four prior examples of incidents that would only ever be considered as gross misconduct by his boss (albeit all but one at formers employers where they were well known to one another) but bordering on the downright libelous in something that could only ever be described as an entire character assassination!

Choice extracts from the things I feel comfortable sharing at minimal risk include:

(talking about a director level member of staff who he supports) ..."Essentially he does not turn up in the office, he does not manage his relationships, he dodges work under the umbrella of WFH guidelines and I have barely seen him in the office over the last three months"

"All my clients at XXXXX firm loved me and they would ALWAYS call me instead of their RM and I ALWAYS delivered them top class service"

"XXXX is a regulated individual but behaves like a school child most of the time. Indeed he almost started a fight at XXXX, our old firm"

One can only speculate as to exactly what drove this poor person to these levels of bizarre behaviour but suffice to say I shall be going in to the office tomorrow with a spring in my step and a bag full of popcorn as unless I am very much mistaken he is expecting to be in the office tomorrow whilst letting his HR escalation play out. I'll keep you posted.

His could be a very short day....and ours a very entertaining one.

With this in mind what examples of work place insanity have you all come across over the years?!

This is just about the only type of stuff I miss

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

Weve all been back in the factory and offices five days a week since Jan 4...except the one person (I've mentioned on this thread before) who has somehow still managed to stay at 4 days a week, & gets Fridays as WFH.

Not sure if hes worked out though that we can see when his Mac is in use or not - & you can pretty much guarantee its untouched every Friday. This week he has to come in on Friday to do some training on a new system - and, unbelievably, managed to swap his WFH day to last Thursday, so he only did a 3 day week in the office.

This is the guy who hasn't done a full week at work since Oct 2019 because his dog died and his G/F left him - while the rest of the company worked as normal right through the pandemic, including some Saturdays, to keep us going.

Lets just say he doesn't have (m)any friends left within the company these days....

 

[timbha]

Weve all been back in the factory and offices five days a week since Jan 4...except the one person (I've mentioned on this thread before) who has somehow still managed to stay at 4 days a week, & gets Fridays as WFH.

Not sure if hes worked out though that we can see when his Mac is in use or not - & you can pretty much guarantee its untouched every Friday. This week he has to come in on Friday to do some training on a new system - and, unbelievably, managed to swap his WFH day to last Thursday, so he only did a 3 day week in the office.

This is the guy who hasn't done a full week at work since Oct 2019 because his dog died and his G/F left him - while the rest of the company worked as normal right through the pandemic, including some Saturdays, to keep us going.

Lets just say he doesn't have (m)any friends left within the company these days....

Ah, the “special” cases!!

 

[dazzer6666]

Ah, the “special” cases!!

Probably got a bigger office chair with ‘do not use, this chair is for xxxxx only’

 

[WhingForPresident]

So - what animal were/are you?? Can't leave it like that!

I thought it would just tell me there and then, but nope, I got sent a 20 minute video explaining why I am either an owl, a dolphin, a panther or a peacock, based on a series of generic questions. I'll report back when I can be arsed to sit through it

I was a dolphin last time for what it's worth. I think the main takeaway from that was that I 'like working in a team' or something, which couldn't be further from the truth. I dread to think how much the company is paying for this horseshit.

 

[Brighthelmstone]

Over the past couple of weeks out company have asked people to come into the office at least twice a week as part of a plan to get people back in to the office.

Has anyone else come across the type that think they are a hero coming into the office twice a week and that they are doing the company a favour in doing so?

Sadly yes!! we are also being asked to return 2 days a week, out of my team of 8 i've had 1 ask for a rise to cover the fuel of traveling to work and another refusing to come in on any days other than tues/weds as they have 'commitments' that work will have to fit around....ffs

I sort of understand the fuel one, after all its got expensive. Both are now refusing to attend unless I agree to their terms... So, job adverts here we come!

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

One of my old bosses was a real geek and when he started, he obviously thought he was taking on a team of people with a similar outlook. I think he realised the error of his ways early on when he said to us that one of his favourite interview questions was "Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?". He seemed quite put out at the response given which was "I would walk out of the interview as you are obviously not taking it seriously and I wouldn't want to work for you". That was the considered response although on other just said he would tell him to "grow up" before leaving the interview

 

[zefarelly]

I changed jobs last November, paycut offset by travel costs, the win being my time .. . . I knew the job would be technically, or from an engineering point of view, a down grade. I'm happy with that as I use my brain elsewhere, BUT.

Based on client information I did some design and detail drawings for fabrication and manufacture . . . No rocket science involved . . . But part of this was structural, being 2 legs. 3m long steel box section. . . . . The 'agent' ( I wouldn't credit them with being architects ) had a drawing, and there was a structural engineers sketch attached which was a pen/pencil mark up on a copy of the general arrangement drawing . . . . Old school but fine.

I spat out all my drawings with 2 basic legs, both the same, for simplicity, both slightly over length ( subject to site survey). And both one half of a standard length of steel.

I got a visit from one of the guys on the shop floor asking for details . . . . I wandered out with my drawings, with a material cut list on it . . . ( 2 x 3.1m) and he has 4 x 2m bits of box section.

I had already calculated the weight as being acceptable for one man to carry, the size is manageable, transportable and everything stacks up in every way . . . . . . But someone has changed it.

So now we have a slightly pissed, structurally frail ugly thing. But the director is always right.

It's not my problem or responsibility and therefore I'm past caring ( although I do ) but ****ing hell, it amazes me how f@rkwitted ( or is it power/vanity) some people can be. If nothing else, the fabricators have had to buy 2 lengths of steel. No doubt they charged us, and kept the useful spare whilst a lot of offcut goes in the bin.

It also requires more fabrication, more finishing, and more time to install. . . . . Oh, and the join someone instigated is twice the overlap I designed, which was to ease installation without damaging floor/ceiling. . . . .

 

[Badger]

One of my old bosses was a real geek and when he started, he obviously thought he was taking on a team of people with a similar outlook. I think he realised the error of his ways early on when he said to us that one of his favourite interview questions was "Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?". He seemed quite put out at the response given which was "I would walk out of the interview as you are obviously not taking it seriously and I wouldn't want to work for you". That was the considered response although on other just said he would tell him to "grow up" before leaving the interview

It sounds like your boss was basically just a chilled out entertainer.

 

[Paulie Gualtieri]

It sounds like your boss was basically just a chilled out entertainer.

Refreshingly laid back for a man with such responsibility?

 

[Finch]

I thought it would just tell me there and then, but nope, I got sent a 20 minute video explaining why I am either an owl, a dolphin, a panther or a peacock, based on a series of generic questions. I'll report back when I can be arsed to sit through it

I was a dolphin last time for what it's worth. I think the main takeaway from that was that I 'like working in a team' or something, which couldn't be further from the truth. I dread to think how much the company is paying for this horseshit.

These are the worst. I've been though at least a dozen of these. Its basically another Myers-Briggs and has been panned for decades as being absolute rubbish. e.g. wikipedia on Myers Briggs.

Independent sources have called the test "pretty much meaningless",[57] "one of the worst personality tests in existence",[58] and "the fad that won't die".[7] Psychometric specialist Robert Hogan wrote: "Most personality psychologists regard the MBTI as little more than an elaborate Chinese fortune cookie..."[59]

The test has been described as one of many self-discovery "fads"[7][8][10][60][61][62][63][64] and has been likened to horoscopes, as both rely on the Barnum effect, flattery, and confirmation bias, leading participants to personally identify with descriptions that are somewhat desirable, vague, and widely applicable.[62][65][66]

They are so painful to sit through. The thing that annoys me is I sometimes coach aspiring leaders and they have to go through this and they usually take it at face value and I have to be the one who says to take it with a grain of salt, without being a grinch. I don't want them going into these, calling them bullshit and getting marks against their names so I have to be careful.

The management consultant fad that is annoying me the most atm is the naming your emotions one where we all sit in a room and pick some pre-selected words that you are feeling "disappointed, "untrusted" etc. Then we all compare and go - oh we all picked disappointed *nods all around*, "wow powerful, we have some issues to work through don't we". Maybe, but we are all just gutted to be doing this. It's borrowed from couples therapy and has also been heavily discredited. These fit so well into management consultant business though that any higher up manager having issues with their team not gelling love this sort of thing and keep perpetuating it. There seems to be no interest on if something is proven effective or not.

 

[dazzer6666]

These are the worst. I've been though at least a dozen of these. Its basically another Myers-Briggs and has been panned for decades as being absolute rubbish. e.g. wikipedia on Myers Briggs.



They are so painful to sit through. The thing that annoys me is I sometimes coach aspiring leaders and they have to go through this and they usually take it at face value and I have to be the one who says to take it with a grain of salt, without being a grinch. I don't want them going into these, calling them bullshit and getting marks against their names so I have to be careful.

The management consultant fad that is annoying me the most atm is the naming your emotions one where we all sit in a room and pick some pre-selected words that you are feeling "disappointed, "untrusted" etc. Then we all compare and go - oh we all picked disappointed *nods all around*, "wow powerful, we have some issues to work through don't we". Maybe, but we are all just gutted to be doing this. It's borrowed from couples therapy and has also been heavily discredited. These fit so well into management consultant business though that any higher up manager having issues with their team not gelling love this sort of thing and keep perpetuating it. There seems to be no interest on if something is proven effective or not.

This. Expensive waste of everyone’s time. In my last firm we were ‘required’ to get candidates at a certain level tested prior to making an offer, but if the results were ‘bad’ we (ie me as the hiring manager) could override them anyway

Interestingly I’m working voluntarily for a charity now….we’re currently looking for a couple of v senior replacement staff and the headhunter recommended we put candidates through psychometric testing (for an additional charge, obviously). I’ve expressed my views

 

[Insel affe]

out of my team of 8 i've had 1 ask for a rise to cover the fuel of traveling to work....ffs

Are folk for real !!
All the while through lockdown working from home, they coined it in, saving on travel expenses.

out of my team of 8 i've had 1 refusing to come in on any days other than tues/weds as they have 'commitments' that work will have to fit around....ffs

I trust they worked a full week in the office before lockdown and their work days included Tuesday & Wednesday previously?
Can staff genuinely refuse to come in now, with that as an excuse ?

I think lockdown has truly affected some folks reasoning, and sense of entitlement, taking skiving to new levels.
Is it the younger generations attitude to work I wonder, my wife has told me about young graduates coming to work at Camden, who think nothing of turning up 20 minutes late, and when asked why, replying I can’t work without my morning coffee.
They take breaks religiously, with no movement in time, a meeting with high ranking members of staff scheduled for 11:30, nope can’t attend or walk out at 12 because that’s lunch hour, instead of having lunch half an hour later. Dropping everything at bang on 4:50 to pack up ready for 5pm finish, even if there are deadlines to be met, they seem less inclined to get a job finished.
Maybe I’m doing them a disservice, and they are the ones with their heads screwed on, by not being flexible with their work hours unless it’s in their benefit. I could see that in some private industries, but the council pay well, and hours can be saved and taken off later.

 

[Brovion]

Refreshingly laid back for a man with such responsibility?

I think it's the modern way. I was an IT contractor (software developer) for many years and especially when I was going for jobs in design agencies (the sort of places where the offices were glorified playrooms) interview questions would often be like that. I've been asked my views on cinema, recent holiday destinations and favourite TV programmes to name but three non-job-relevant questions.

I think if you adopt a 'grown-up' response and walk out of the interview if asked who would win a fight between a badger and a baboon then you've proved that you haven't got the right personality to fit in to their 'modern workspace dynamic'.

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

Probably got a bigger office chair with ‘do not use, this chair is for xxxxx only’

Almost! He works at the end of a large open plan office - and when the pandemic hit, he barricaded his end off completely with a couple of chairs and a "Do Not Enter" sign put across them....even though he spent the first 3 months WFH because he refused to come in. Hes terrified of covid, but refuses to have the vaccine as he doesn't trust whats in it etc.

As mentioned by Timbha...he really is a "special case". He also gets a 15 min break just an hour after starting work (when no-one else does) because he claims he gets eye strain from the computer screen....doesn't have to answer customer calls as he gets stressed and, since hes been back in the office 4 days a week (only from this Jan), any member of staff who needs to ask him about a job has to go through the boss as we arent allowed to talk to him...because he finds it stressful.
The guy is almost 50, & behaves like a stroppy 13yr old if he doesnt get his own way.

You honestly couldn't make it up.....