Bell Cheeses at work

[PTC Gull]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

 

[Change at Barnham]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

I'm going to copy and paste that onto my CV.
It sounds hugely impressive and no one that reads my CV will understand it anyway.

 

[The Clamp]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

Wording like that usually translates as something like putting new labels on the recycling bins.

 

[PTC Gull]

Wording like that usually translates as something like putting new labels on the recycling bins.

the person is joining our Data Science team but I get your drift.

 

[WATFORD zero]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

That is truly superb

I know a few NSC regulars are currently job seeking and if you haven't copy and pasted that onto your cv you have certainly missed an opportunity

From Road sweeping in Newhaven to chairman of the DUP, this can only help, whoever you may be

 

[Sirnormangall]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

Appropriately, on the opening day of the Olympics, no post is more deserving of a gold medal. If only I could fathom what it means.

 

[Norman Potting]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

...Translates as "...faffs around on a PC and it is suspected that he spend much of his time browsing and posting on a well known South coast football website......."

 

[Badger]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

I think that translates to "he used a computer to process a lot of statistics".

I took a master's in computer science a few years ago and most of the students were obsessed with "data science" and "machine learning". It's just fancy new words for statistics.

Data Scientist = Statistician but earning five times as much.

 

[smudge]

I got called in for a one on one with my immediate superior the other day. An arrogant Croatian whose leadership style is to try & intimidate & bully people.
Conversation went along these lines.
"I called you in to talk about some areas you are not paying enough attention on your job description".
Me, pulling said job description from my back pocket, "Ok, which part?"
"These are things that should know about, but aren't on your job description".

"My mind reading isn't what it used to be you complete ****stick. If you want me to do something, just f*cking tell me, but don't drag me in here like a naughty schoolboy just to try & feel some sense of power, you absolute bell end".

Ok that part was in my mind. I need the pay at present, but, really.

 

[PTC Gull]

Appropriately, on the opening day of the Olympics, no post is more deserving of a gold medal. If only I could fathom what it means.

Thats very kind of you. I still don't know what it means!

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

At last a contribution to this most excellent thread.......
I get an email from a department head welcoming a new member of his team. Usual info, but then it went into the following as part of his previous experience.
...He developed Bayesian nonparametric causal inference models for treatment effects in the presence of environmental covariates, and he was also responsible for the automation of models including containerization, deployment, and migration to the cloud.

WTF?

I always thought reading some of the crap in CVs in England about people's previous experience was bad enough, reading through some American resumes takes it to a whole new level. When you finally got to meet the people who wrote them they were just as big a plonker as you'd imagined.

 

[Brian Fantana]

This story involves a bell cheese at work, but the offence wasn't committed at the office, however I still think it's worthy of inclusion.

This morning one of my team (in his early 30s) who had the day off on Friday came sloping into the office looking like someone had died. Upon delicate questioning, it transpired that something even worse than that had taken place!

I enquired as to how his day off on Friday had been, and he told me that he'd spent the morning with his kids at soft play and then taken them for lunch (nothing out of the ordinary so far). His expression then became a bit more nervous and twitchy. He said that he'd had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I wasn't going to pry any further, but he told me that because of a family history of bowel cancer (two uncles and his father had suffered with it), he had been invited by the NHS to be screened earlier than the usual age group. He'd gone along for his pre-screening appointment and had come away with something called MoviPrep (sp?), which is apparently a very powerful laxative. He'd been instructed not to eat or drink anything from 6pm in the evening, apart from consuming the laxative every hour with a pint of water. The doctor warned that once 6pm arrived, it was probably advisable not to leave a 5m radius of the bathroom.

6pm rolled around and he consumed the first pint of water, laced with the laxative. He braced himself for hell to unleash itself from deep within, but nothing happened. 6.30pm arrived and there'd still been no explosion. Thinking that he had the digestive system of a Viking, he decided he'd nip to the shop to pick up a few things for his wife (COLOSSAL error). He merrily took the 10 minute stroll down the road to Sainsbury's, was happily perusing an aisle, bent down to get an item from the bottom shelf and promptly shat himself horrifically. He didn't go into the gory details, save to tell me that they'd had to temporarily close that aisle whilst a cleaner was summoned.

Reaching the end of this awful tale, he told me that he was now seriously considering moving to a different area. Being that this was his local shop, he was on nodding/chatting terms with a lot of staff and other customers, so naturally felt that he wouldn't be able to face going in there ever again.

A sobering reminder never to think that you know better than a medical professional.

 

[Papa Lazarou]

This story involves a bell cheese at work, but the offence wasn't committed at the office, however I still think it's worthy of inclusion.

This morning one of my team (in his early 30s) who had the day off on Friday came sloping into the office looking like someone had died. Upon delicate questioning, it transpired that something even worse than that had taken place!

I enquired as to how his day off on Friday had been, and he told me that he'd spent the morning with his kids at soft play and then taken them for lunch (nothing out of the ordinary so far). His expression then became a bit more nervous and twitchy. He said that he'd had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I wasn't going to pry any further, but he told me that because of a family history of bowel cancer (two uncles and his father had suffered with it), he had been invited by the NHS to be screened earlier than the usual age group. He'd gone along for his pre-screening appointment and had come away with something called MoviPrep (sp?), which is apparently a very powerful laxative. He'd been instructed not to eat or drink anything from 6pm in the evening, apart from consuming the laxative every hour with a pint of water. The doctor warned that once 6pm arrived, it was probably advisable not to leave a 5m radius of the bathroom.

6pm rolled around and he consumed the first pint of water, laced with the laxative. He braced himself for hell to unleash itself from deep within, but nothing happened. 6.30pm arrived and there'd still been no explosion. Thinking that he had the digestive system of a Viking, he decided he'd nip to the shop to pick up a few things for his wife (COLOSSAL error). He merrily took the 10 minute stroll down the road to Sainsbury's, was happily perusing an aisle, bent down to get an item from the bottom shelf and promptly shat himself horrifically. He didn't go into the gory details, save to tell me that they'd had to temporarily close that aisle whilst a cleaner was summoned.

Reaching the end of this awful tale, he told me that he was now seriously considering moving to a different area. Being that this was his local shop, he was on nodding/chatting terms with a lot of staff and other customers, so naturally felt that he wouldn't be able to face going in there ever again.

A sobering reminder never to think that you know better than a medical professional.

Thank you - that made my day.

 

[timbha]

Thank you - that made my day.

Mine too esp as I took the words of my GP and can vouch for the sudden and nuclear reaction. It’s incredible and just keeps on coming. I have nightmares about Movi prep

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

Mine too esp as I took the words of my GP and can vouch for the sudden and nuclear reaction. It’s incredible and just keeps on coming. I have nightmares about Movi prep

It's a good cure for stomach upset as there's nothing left at the end, all bugs are rushing down to the sea (in Southern Water's case)

 

[Bodian]

This story involves a bell cheese at work, but the offence wasn't committed at the office, however I still think it's worthy of inclusion.

This morning one of my team (in his early 30s) who had the day off on Friday came sloping into the office looking like someone had died. Upon delicate questioning, it transpired that something even worse than that had taken place!

I enquired as to how his day off on Friday had been, and he told me that he'd spent the morning with his kids at soft play and then taken them for lunch (nothing out of the ordinary so far). His expression then became a bit more nervous and twitchy. He said that he'd had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I wasn't going to pry any further, but he told me that because of a family history of bowel cancer (two uncles and his father had suffered with it), he had been invited by the NHS to be screened earlier than the usual age group. He'd gone along for his pre-screening appointment and had come away with something called MoviPrep (sp?), which is apparently a very powerful laxative. He'd been instructed not to eat or drink anything from 6pm in the evening, apart from consuming the laxative every hour with a pint of water. The doctor warned that once 6pm arrived, it was probably advisable not to leave a 5m radius of the bathroom.

6pm rolled around and he consumed the first pint of water, laced with the laxative. He braced himself for hell to unleash itself from deep within, but nothing happened. 6.30pm arrived and there'd still been no explosion. Thinking that he had the digestive system of a Viking, he decided he'd nip to the shop to pick up a few things for his wife (COLOSSAL error). He merrily took the 10 minute stroll down the road to Sainsbury's, was happily perusing an aisle, bent down to get an item from the bottom shelf and promptly shat himself horrifically. He didn't go into the gory details, save to tell me that they'd had to temporarily close that aisle whilst a cleaner was summoned.

Reaching the end of this awful tale, he told me that he was now seriously considering moving to a different area. Being that this was his local shop, he was on nodding/chatting terms with a lot of staff and other customers, so naturally felt that he wouldn't be able to face going in there ever again.

A sobering reminder never to think that you know better than a medical professional.

Brilliant. My father-in-law had something a little similar, which involved various probes in unmentionable orifices for the same potential cancer. He was fine for a few hours, then stood up to get a cup of tea.....

The industrial carpet cleaner was very understanding when he came the next morning an emergency call-out.

 

[jakarta]

Sounds like a lot of Shit to me...

 

[PTC Gull]

This story involves a bell cheese at work, but the offence wasn't committed at the office, however I still think it's worthy of inclusion.

This morning one of my team (in his early 30s) who had the day off on Friday came sloping into the office looking like someone had died. Upon delicate questioning, it transpired that something even worse than that had taken place!

I enquired as to how his day off on Friday had been, and he told me that he'd spent the morning with his kids at soft play and then taken them for lunch (nothing out of the ordinary so far). His expression then became a bit more nervous and twitchy. He said that he'd had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I wasn't going to pry any further, but he told me that because of a family history of bowel cancer (two uncles and his father had suffered with it), he had been invited by the NHS to be screened earlier than the usual age group. He'd gone along for his pre-screening appointment and had come away with something called MoviPrep (sp?), which is apparently a very powerful laxative. He'd been instructed not to eat or drink anything from 6pm in the evening, apart from consuming the laxative every hour with a pint of water. The doctor warned that once 6pm arrived, it was probably advisable not to leave a 5m radius of the bathroom.

6pm rolled around and he consumed the first pint of water, laced with the laxative. He braced himself for hell to unleash itself from deep within, but nothing happened. 6.30pm arrived and there'd still been no explosion. Thinking that he had the digestive system of a Viking, he decided he'd nip to the shop to pick up a few things for his wife (COLOSSAL error). He merrily took the 10 minute stroll down the road to Sainsbury's, was happily perusing an aisle, bent down to get an item from the bottom shelf and promptly shat himself horrifically. He didn't go into the gory details, save to tell me that they'd had to temporarily close that aisle whilst a cleaner was summoned.

Reaching the end of this awful tale, he told me that he was now seriously considering moving to a different area. Being that this was his local shop, he was on nodding/chatting terms with a lot of staff and other customers, so naturally felt that he wouldn't be able to face going in there ever again.

A sobering reminder never to think that you know better than a medical professional.

This has had me laughing to myself all morning. Whole new take on "Clean up on isle 4 please! Plus a note to self...never ever read this thread whilst drinking or eating!

 

[Gwylan]

Mine too esp as I took the words of my GP and can vouch for the sudden and nuclear reaction. It’s incredible and just keeps on coming. I have nightmares about Movi prep

It's incredible, it feels like your whole insides are coming out. I camped in the bog for about an hour - 5m from the toilet? I was about 1m away. What on earth was he thinking going to the shop?

 

[Paulie Gualtieri]

This story involves a bell cheese at work, but the offence wasn't committed at the office, however I still think it's worthy of inclusion.

This morning one of my team (in his early 30s) who had the day off on Friday came sloping into the office looking like someone had died. Upon delicate questioning, it transpired that something even worse than that had taken place!

I enquired as to how his day off on Friday had been, and he told me that he'd spent the morning with his kids at soft play and then taken them for lunch (nothing out of the ordinary so far). His expression then became a bit more nervous and twitchy. He said that he'd had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I wasn't going to pry any further, but he told me that because of a family history of bowel cancer (two uncles and his father had suffered with it), he had been invited by the NHS to be screened earlier than the usual age group. He'd gone along for his pre-screening appointment and had come away with something called MoviPrep (sp?), which is apparently a very powerful laxative. He'd been instructed not to eat or drink anything from 6pm in the evening, apart from consuming the laxative every hour with a pint of water. The doctor warned that once 6pm arrived, it was probably advisable not to leave a 5m radius of the bathroom.

6pm rolled around and he consumed the first pint of water, laced with the laxative. He braced himself for hell to unleash itself from deep within, but nothing happened. 6.30pm arrived and there'd still been no explosion. Thinking that he had the digestive system of a Viking, he decided he'd nip to the shop to pick up a few things for his wife (COLOSSAL error). He merrily took the 10 minute stroll down the road to Sainsbury's, was happily perusing an aisle, bent down to get an item from the bottom shelf and promptly shat himself horrifically. He didn't go into the gory details, save to tell me that they'd had to temporarily close that aisle whilst a cleaner was summoned.

Reaching the end of this awful tale, he told me that he was now seriously considering moving to a different area. Being that this was his local shop, he was on nodding/chatting terms with a lot of staff and other customers, so naturally felt that he wouldn't be able to face going in there ever again.

A sobering reminder never to think that you know better than a medical professional.

Wife sounds loverly