Vinyl Richie
New member
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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
Albion Rob
New member
It's funny - because it's true. 
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
BOOM BOOM
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
joke of the day
why was david beckham happy that he finished his jigsaw in 3 weeks
because the box said 2-4 years
coat on
why was david beckham happy that he finished his jigsaw in 3 weeks
because the box said 2-4 years
coat on
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
joke de jour
a seven year old and a four year old are in their bedroom,"you know what" says the seven year old "i think its about time we started swearing" the four year old nods his head in approval "when we go downstairs for breakfast i'm going to swear first , then you swear after me , OK?"
"OK" agrees the four year old with enthusiasm . the mother walks into the litchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast " oh shit mum , i guess i'll have some coco pops" WHACK! he flies out of his chair , tumble across the kitchen floor , gets up and starts crying his eyes out . she looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice " and what do you want young man"
" i don't know" he blubbers .
"but it won't be f***ing coco pops".
coat on.
a seven year old and a four year old are in their bedroom,"you know what" says the seven year old "i think its about time we started swearing" the four year old nods his head in approval "when we go downstairs for breakfast i'm going to swear first , then you swear after me , OK?"
"OK" agrees the four year old with enthusiasm . the mother walks into the litchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast " oh shit mum , i guess i'll have some coco pops" WHACK! he flies out of his chair , tumble across the kitchen floor , gets up and starts crying his eyes out . she looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice " and what do you want young man"
" i don't know" he blubbers .
"but it won't be f***ing coco pops".
coat on.
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
joke
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Safeway
M0DERAT0R
f*** off.
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
Vinyl Richie
New member
BEST thread EVER!!!!!
Just been reading (nearly) the whole thing!! I was on fire on page 7!!!
Well while I'm here:
how does bob marley like his doughnuts............with jam in
how do the rest of the whalers like thier doughnuts........ me don't know but me hopes they like jam in too.
hahahaha...... absolutly rubbish so heres another one for all occassions:
knock knock
whos there?
go f*** yourself
Just been reading (nearly) the whole thing!! I was on fire on page 7!!!
Well while I'm here:
how does bob marley like his doughnuts............with jam in
how do the rest of the whalers like thier doughnuts........ me don't know but me hopes they like jam in too.
hahahaha...... absolutly rubbish so heres another one for all occassions:
knock knock
whos there?
go f*** yourself
Vinyl Richie
New member
TOPICAL JOKE!!!
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "we have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the church. When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"your back very soon ........is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "we are terribly ashamed to admit that we didnt manage to abstain from sex for the required month....." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked what happened " well, the first week was difficult .... however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer we managed to abstain. However the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the
bible ....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and my way with her right there and then". admitted the man, shamefacedly
" you understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the pastor
"we know" said the young man, hanging his head ......... "were not welcome at asda anymore either!!"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "we have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the church. When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"your back very soon ........is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "we are terribly ashamed to admit that we didnt manage to abstain from sex for the required month....." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked what happened " well, the first week was difficult .... however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer we managed to abstain. However the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the
bible ....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and my way with her right there and then". admitted the man, shamefacedly
" you understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the pastor
"we know" said the young man, hanging his head ......... "were not welcome at asda anymore either!!"
REDLAND
Active member
Re: TOPICAL JOKE!!!
Marvellous
Vinyl Richie said:A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "we have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the church. When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"your back very soon ........is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "we are terribly ashamed to admit that we didnt manage to abstain from sex for the required month....." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked what happened " well, the first week was difficult .... however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer we managed to abstain. However the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the
bible ....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and my way with her right there and then". admitted the man, shamefacedly
" you understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the pastor
"we know" said the young man, hanging his head ......... "were not welcome at asda anymore either!!"
Marvellous
There were two blonde fellers working for the Dublin City Council, one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without a rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy, following, filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what is the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the fellow who plants the trees called in sick today........."
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what is the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the fellow who plants the trees called in sick today........."
Vinyl Richie
New member
good ol' Essex girls
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
*****
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
*****
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car??"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from??"
Sharon: "Romford, mate!"
*****
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car! said the Essex girl, There's hundreds of
them!"
*****
An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says,Please come over here
and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, What is it supposed to be when it's finished??
The girl says, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.
*****
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok, how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
*****
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and
replies,
"Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
*****
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
*****
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car??"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from??"
Sharon: "Romford, mate!"
*****
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car! said the Essex girl, There's hundreds of
them!"
*****
An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says,Please come over here
and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, What is it supposed to be when it's finished??
The girl says, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.
*****
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok, how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
*****
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and
replies,
"Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.
Vinyl Richie
New member
Bad taste
Police have named six of the Morecombe bay victims;
Way Ding
Sin King
Drow Ning
Leff Too Dy
Fuk Its Cold
Ty Dis Hi
Police have named six of the Morecombe bay victims;
Way Ding
Sin King
Drow Ning
Leff Too Dy
Fuk Its Cold
Ty Dis Hi
Vinyl Richie
New member
and more of the same (again, sorry..........)
Went for a Chinese in Morecambe last night, but the queue was terrible - they were waiting for the chef to wash up.
Went for a Chinese in Morecambe last night, but the queue was terrible - they were waiting for the chef to wash up.
Vinyl Richie
New member
and just in case you couldn't get enough..........
2 sharks swimming in the Irish Sea. One says "I'm sick of mackerel" the other says "Me too, let's pop along to Morecambe and get some Chinese"
2 sharks swimming in the Irish Sea. One says "I'm sick of mackerel" the other says "Me too, let's pop along to Morecambe and get some Chinese"