On the Left Wing
KIT NAPIER
Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'