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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
apparently they could of got out - they just didn't have the muscles
Vinyl Richie
New member
I went to a Seafood disco last night.
Got on the dance floor and pulled a mussel.............BOOM BOOM
Got on the dance floor and pulled a mussel.............BOOM BOOM
SeagullinKent
New member
Apparantly the cockle pickers were told that once the water reached knee high to come in.
Nee Hi was sat in the van!
Nee Hi was sat in the van!
chips and gravy
New member
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me f*** you for a pound?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me f*** you for a million pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me f*** you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me f*** you for a pound?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me f*** you for a million pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me f*** you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
Vinyl Richie
New member
Liverpool manager sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so very sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so very sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Barnet Seagull
Luxury Player
I used to be into Bondage, Necrophilia and Beastiality, but then I realised that all along I'd been flogging a dead horse.
A man walks into the doctors with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his trousers.
The doctor says " Theres nothing wrong with you"
The man replies " Are you sure, might be the tip of the iceberg"
The doctor says " Theres nothing wrong with you"
The man replies " Are you sure, might be the tip of the iceberg"
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
A bloke walks into a pub and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the bloke, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the bloke, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
Vinyl Richie
New member
Subject: Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!", she cried,"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"
waa wa waaaaaa
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!", she cried,"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"
waa wa waaaaaa
Vinyl Richie
New member
Subject: Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!", she cried,"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"
waa wa waaaaaa
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!", she cried,"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"
waa wa waaaaaa
Vinyl Richie
New member
shut up
Le Premier Cru
Member
A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop.
The man behind counter asks: "What can I do for you, Sir?"
The Buddhist replies: "Make me one with everything."
The man behind counter asks: "What can I do for you, Sir?"
The Buddhist replies: "Make me one with everything."
chips and gravy
New member
Thought I'd resurrect this thread - it's been awhile
The Ladies Room
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
The Ladies Room
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
John Dorian
Glass Case of EMOTION
whats the difference between clint eastwood and anal sex ?
John Dorian
Glass Case of EMOTION
continuation from joke ... sorry i didnt mean to click submit...
.... One will make your day the other will make your hole weak....
.... One will make your day the other will make your hole weak....
medicine man
New member
a dyslexic walks into a bra....
On the Left Wing
KIT NAPIER
Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'