A Thread full of Joke du Jours

[crodonilson]

Paddy bought a bath at B & Q. Next day he took it back because it was leaking. The manager said "did you put a plug in it?" Paddy replied "You didn't tell me it was electric!".

 

[Moshe Gariani]

At the Brentford match the bloke next to me shouted out "Shoot Baldock..!".

I turned and said to him "Why shoot only Baldock. They're all as bad as each other"

 

[Hillian1]

I was shagging my neighbour when to our horror her husband pulled up in the drive.

"Quick" she yelled, "The back door's open"

In hindsight, I should have just left then.

 

[Algernon]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"

 

[Reagulls]

a coach load of nuns have a terrible crash and sadly they all die,
they all arrive in heaven and make a queue at the gates,
St Peter asks the first nun ..."so, before I can allow you though the gates I need to ask you, have you ever touched a penis?"
"I have" replied the nun, "I once touched one with this finger"
"no problem" he replies "dip your finger in the holy water, say 3 hail marys and through you go"...

St Peter asks the second nun ..."so, before I can allow you though the gates I need to ask you, have you ever touched a penis?"
"I have" replied the second nun, "I once gripped one with my right hand"
"no problem" he replies "wave your hand in the holy water, say 5 hail marys and through you go"...

while this is happening he can hear a disturbance further down the queue...
"whats going on down there" he asks...
one of nuns points to the woman in front of her and says..

"if you think I'm gargling that water after she's had her arse in it, you've got another thing coming!

 

[Grapes of Wrath]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A Brighton & Hove Albion fan?"

 

[jameswestport]

How many South American's does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazillian!

 

[AmexRuislip]

Yesterday I had sex, visited Slough, and then went horse chestnut picking.

I came ... Eyesore ... I conkered.