A Thread full of Joke du Jours

[Northstander]

Joke de Jour

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
"But how can this be," he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well, er, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?", asks the doctor.
"No, how can I??'' he shouts, "I'm only a paper bag."
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"
"I've said to you before," the paper bag sobs, "How can I? I'm only a paper bag."
"Ahhhh," says the doctor shaking his head sadly, "As I suspected - your mother must have been a carrier."

 

[Agent Kember]

A joke.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only
4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die", and she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation.." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10- year-old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag.

 

[Citrus]

Palace scum...

 

[Citrus]

 

[Dunkstar]

Better than the palace one.

 

[Braders]

 

[Kenhead]

 

[Safeway]

Joke

Q: Where does satisfaction come from?










A: A satisfactory.



Okay, I'm off to NSP.....

 

[Beach Hut]

Err not really very good that one.

 

[Legend]

Joke Du Jour

Peter goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a problem with my gas but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in here. You didn't notice because they didn't smell and are silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week, Peter comes back and says :"Doctor, I don't know what the hell you gave me but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."
"Good !" says the doc, "Now that we have cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[Reading Posh]

Ha, you think that's bad?

A man went to the hospital and said "Doctor, every time I break wind, it sounds like a Japanese motorbike" The doctor said "Really"
He said "really"

He broke wind and proved it to the doctor there and then.

The doctor said "lets examine you then" The doctor examined him and it turned out that the bloke had a really bad abcess in his mouth.

The bloke said "So?" The doctor replied - you have a very bad absecss in your mouth"

The bloke said "So?"

"It's a well known fact that abscess make the fart go Honda"

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

That is appaling Reading Posh...................

 

[Brady's Old Lady]

MAN: Doctor - I wonder if you can help me. I have 3 problems - 1 related to my work place, 1 related to my home life, and 1 that is purely personal.
DOC: OK lets start with the work related issue.
MAN: Well it's my secreatry. She a complete nympho. I get to work in the morning and she's naked on the desk, and we have to have sex at least 3 times before i can get her to do any dictation. We then have to have sex twice more berore lunch, which normally consists of us going to a hotel and having sex. The afternoon is just as bad. My work is suffering and as a result I am suffering from anxiety attacks.
DOC: Hmm what about the home related problem.
MAN: It's my wife. She's worse than my secretary. I'm expected to perform at least 4 times before I get my tea, which is normally something very quick that she's knocked up. We then spend the whole evening going at it into the early hours. She then wakes me up at 4:30 and we have to do it at least 3 times before I can get up. I'm constantly exhausted and my diet is so poor that my complexion is appalling.
DOC: Hmm and your personal problem
MAN: Well.... it hurts when I w@nk!!!

 

[The Wookiee]

Stupid joke

JACK was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said: "When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her 'of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will'. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill
alone after the wedding, he did the same thing.

He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly," Jack replied, "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too
small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.

So Jill said " Exactly, and if you don't change your f****** attitude, you never will!"

 

[Wilko]

Ive heard Jeremy Beadle has got a small knob......but on the other hand its quite big !!

 

[Kenhead]

 

[graz126]

made me laugh wilko.

 

[graz126]

2 mice in a airing cupboard, which 1 is in the army?





























the 1 on the tank.

 

[tedebear]

I like you MR BSM thanks

 

[Wilko]

Graz126 ! that is poor