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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
That's a funny joke.REDLAND
Active member
Thats a great Joke, good work 
Dave the OAP
Well-known member
horrendous joke de jour
A NEW SCANDAL IS SET TO ROCK FOOTBALL - SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTOR HAS BEEN
FOUND DEAD IN THE HOTEL ROOM OF A FRENCH FOOTBALLER........
(See below for further information)
.....POLICE ARE TREATING IT AS MURDER ON ZIDANES FLOOR
A NEW SCANDAL IS SET TO ROCK FOOTBALL - SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTOR HAS BEEN
FOUND DEAD IN THE HOTEL ROOM OF A FRENCH FOOTBALLER........
(See below for further information)
.....POLICE ARE TREATING IT AS MURDER ON ZIDANES FLOOR
REDLAND
Active member
Italiaseagull
New member
Highfields Seagull
Well-known member
How strange. As I was reading that, someone e-mailed me exactly that joke. 
Rougvie
Rising Damp
Me too, and also 'If premiership teams were woman'
How very strange
How very strange
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
a bloke takes his pet monkey into a bar, it behaves well until it starts eating everything , it ate the nuts , it ate the flower , it tooka walk over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole , the barman goes over to the bloke and says " oi get that monkey outta here its eating everything " so the bloke and the monkey leaves
a little later the bloke and the monkey are back , the monkey behaves well again until hes sees this cherry on the bar, so the monkey sticks it up his arse and eats it , the barman goes up to the bloke again and say " oi mate get that monkey outta here ,he just stuck a cherry up his arse and ate it" " i know" said the bloke " ever since he ate that cueball he measures everything"
a little later the bloke and the monkey are back , the monkey behaves well again until hes sees this cherry on the bar, so the monkey sticks it up his arse and eats it , the barman goes up to the bloke again and say " oi mate get that monkey outta here ,he just stuck a cherry up his arse and ate it" " i know" said the bloke " ever since he ate that cueball he measures everything"
Dave . . . .quality not quantity
thats what we dont normally get here
thats what we dont normally get here
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
Robbo
New member
The Priest and the Rooster
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the
ten chickens and one handsome cock he kept in a hen
house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the
rooster was missing. At the same time the priest
heard rumours of cockfights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something
during Sunday Mass. During Mass he asked the
congregation, "Who among you will confess to
sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who
among you will confess to having seen a handsome
cock?" All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock
that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood
up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the
question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the
ten chickens and one handsome cock he kept in a hen
house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the
rooster was missing. At the same time the priest
heard rumours of cockfights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something
during Sunday Mass. During Mass he asked the
congregation, "Who among you will confess to
sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who
among you will confess to having seen a handsome
cock?" All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock
that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood
up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the
question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up
nail-Z
Well-known member
A man walks into a bar one afternoon. The barman greets him, and asks "what can I get you?"
"I'll take a pint of lager please, landlord". says that man.
"That's £1.95" says the landlord - placing the beer on the bar.
What do you mean, £1.95? quizzes the man. You offered me the drink and I accepted - why should I pay? Besides - I have no money."
"Aaargh - cheeky git" says the landlord. "Drink up and get out - and don't come back to my bar again".
The following day the same man walks into the very same bar.
"Oy - out" shouts the barman. "I can't believe you're got the cheek to come back after yesterday!"
"What do you mean?" says the man. "I've never been in this bar before".
"Sure you have" declares the barman "and you didn't pay me for your drink".
"You clearly have me mistaken for someone else" says the man. "I wasn't here yesterday - as I said - I've never been here before".
"Hmnmn" quips the barman "if it wasn't you then you must have a double".
"Oh go on then", say the man "Make it a Scotch".
"I'll take a pint of lager please, landlord". says that man.
"That's £1.95" says the landlord - placing the beer on the bar.
What do you mean, £1.95? quizzes the man. You offered me the drink and I accepted - why should I pay? Besides - I have no money."
"Aaargh - cheeky git" says the landlord. "Drink up and get out - and don't come back to my bar again".
The following day the same man walks into the very same bar.
"Oy - out" shouts the barman. "I can't believe you're got the cheek to come back after yesterday!"
"What do you mean?" says the man. "I've never been in this bar before".
"Sure you have" declares the barman "and you didn't pay me for your drink".
"You clearly have me mistaken for someone else" says the man. "I wasn't here yesterday - as I said - I've never been here before".
"Hmnmn" quips the barman "if it wasn't you then you must have a double".
"Oh go on then", say the man "Make it a Scotch".
Northstander
Well-known member
- Oct 13, 2003
- 14,031
Joke De Jour
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy
asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not,
it is three in then morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy
asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not,
it is three in then morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
heard it so many times
Behind Enemy Lines
Well-known member
Another football scandal...
Another football scandal is set to break.
Police in France have discovered the dead body of
Sophie Ellis Bexter in a French International footballers hotel room. Few details have been released but ........
police are treating it as murder on Zidane's floor.
Cue drum roll... you're a lovely audience
Another football scandal is set to break.
Police in France have discovered the dead body of
Sophie Ellis Bexter in a French International footballers hotel room. Few details have been released but ........
police are treating it as murder on Zidane's floor.
Cue drum roll... you're a lovely audience
REDLAND
Active member
Not again 
The Large One
Who's Next?
Dual thread alert...
