Do you use the CIGAR CUTTER when having a DUMP?

[Poyetry In Motion]

Not hard to spot the NSCers who used to read Viz is it?

 

[Tux the albion Penguin]

Talking about shit. Here have a listen. it's taken from the N64 game Conkers Bad Fur Day

 

[El Presidente]

You can tell a lot from you shit as to your diet and well-being. The continentals particularly the German's use it to look at and study before sending it on its way.

As anyone who has ever watched German porn will testify, they do take a very keen interest in toilet related activity in the Fatherland.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

You can tell a lot from you shit as to your diet and well-being. The continentals particularly the German's use it to look at and study before sending it on its way.

True,but i don't remember eating a gorillas finger recently.

 

[birthofanorange]

I'm far too sensible to reply to a thread like this, but there are times when it's good to share:

One year, whilst at the Phoenix (now defunct) music festival, I was in urgent need of a dump in the middle of the night. Not wanting (for obvious reasons!) to use the rancid, swampy and frankly unusable festie toilets, I employed a tip given to me by a 'friend'...

"Roll down the edges of a carrier bag to form a nice (but flimsy) receptacle, drop your trousers, squat down and there you go...."

Sounds like a good plan?

So...there I was, in a smalled cramped area between a multitude of tents in the wee small hours, positioned as described above, praying for a quiet one...until...

I had completely forgotten about the inevitable piss that runs concurrently with a dump, so my shorts and boxers, being around my ankles were getting soaked, whilst my main attention was focused on containing the mess (and it was a mess - bear in mind this was a festival, and my body contained all sorts!) in the neatly rolled carrier bag.

I was so annoyed, that I tied a (in hindsight) way too loose 'knot' in the bag and flung it hammer-throw stylee into the crowded tents.

Apologies if it was one of you who received the 'sky chocolate' - as one of my better, more helpful friends put it.

 

[Theatre of Trees]

Using the proper medical terms:

Type 1 = The Malteser
Type 2 = The Lion Bar
Type 3 = The Cadbury's Flake
Type 4 = The Chocolate finger
Type 5 = The broken Dairy Milk Bar
Type 6 = The chocolate mousse
Type 7 = The cup of hot chocolate

 

[Lethargic]

This thread is both informative and comedy gold, much like the shits please keep the stories coming I haven't laughter this much since I last saw the Palarse home attendance.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I am disappointed that none of the DAFT BINTS have contributed to this thread.

I hesitate to get involved but since I've spent the last few minutes laughing my head off, I guess it's reasonable.

I work in a team almost entirely composed of men, so I am well familiar with their toilet habits, principally as they seem to enjoy discussing them across the briefing room daily. There are few women in the office, so imagine my horror one day when I popped into the cubicle for a quick no. 1, and witnessed, parked in the pan, the largest brown trout I have ever seen.

Ladies being what we are, few of us like to go at work, and most will use the muffling method of cunningly lining the pan with toilet roll first, to avoid any bouncing bomb noises. So to find someone had not only been, but had left the evidence in situ, you can imagine how shocked I was. I'm not kidding, it was spherical, and considerably larger than a cricket ball. To this day, I have no idea how a mere female squeezed that out.

I went back outside in disbelief, to be greeted by a colleague asking what was going on. To prove I wasn't exaggerating, I made him come into the Ladies to have a look, and even he, a connoisseur of such matters, was gobsmacked. He attempted to flush it, but THREE flushes later, it was still there, like a malevolent presence lurking in the u-bend.

Never did find out who the culprit was. We named it the Barnes-Wallis

 

[SeagullSongs]

A few years back I was in Vancouver, at the bottom of the revolving restaurant when nature called.
I entered the toilet, and chose the one free cubicle. As it happened one of the funniest moments of my life was about to take place:
I sat down and proceeded to chop off some gorilla fingers. The man in the cubicle next to me then let out this almighty half-moan, half-scream followed by this enormous PUUHHLOOOOOOSSSSHHHH - like Peter Kay bombing off the top diving board.

You know when you really shouldn't laugh, and it just makes everything funnier? I nearly died of laughter, and until today it's been an anecdote I've never found the right audience to tell.

 

[Billy the Fish]

The official measurement for the weight of a crap is the couric.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=couric

 

[Garage_Doors]

A few years back I was in Vancouver, at the bottom of the revolving restaurant when nature called.
I entered the toilet, and chose the one free cubicle. As it happened one of the funniest moments of my life was about to take place:
I sat down and proceeded to chop off some gorilla fingers. The man in the cubicle next to me then let out this almighty half-moan, half-scream followed by this enormous PUUHHLOOOOOOSSSSHHHH - like Peter Kay bombing off the top diving board.

You know when you really shouldn't laugh, and it just makes everything funnier? I nearly died of laughter, and until today it's been an anecdote I've never found the right audience to tell.

Now that made me laugh

 

[nawtygully]

a few years ago a freind and i were fishing a lake in deepest leics when he got caught as it were... well off he went into the shrubbery.. after ten minutes of unearthly noises he appeared with a grin.. come and see this he cried.. iwent and saw.. i kid you not it was 2ft long and had the most baleful sweetcorn eyes i have ever seen..i sobbed.. in fact ithink the owner tried to charge day ticket for it!!!!!

 

[Fef]

I'd never use the cigar cutter when launching a photon torpedo into the galaxy; it usually results in having Klingons on the starboard bow.

 

[Badger]

I was quite disappointed by last night's turd, firstly because I don't normally do turds at the time of the day they are usually reserved for mid-morning at work, a key 20 minute break. However the main issue was that the automatic cigar cutter got applied, when it feels like it's going to be a monster but inadvertently gets cut off in its prime. I was devastated and there was nothing left to come out leaving me no option but to apply extra wipeage, I must have used a good quarter of a roll to remove all traces.

 

[Fungus]

My clear favorite which wins hands down is diarrhea.

Jackson Pollock over Henry Moore?

 

[patchamalbion]

finally a proper NSC thread which doesnt involved your thoughts on transport, leaving early and are we having a good season or not!!

I love dropping a huge plonk of a turd into the centre of the bowl so my arse cheeks feel a gentle splash of water!!

did one at work yesterday which could be described as Hiroshima levels

 

[Mackenzie]

It's the ultimate dilemma, nothing beats dropping off Meatloaf's Daughter into the pan, but there is always a danger of MULTIPLE FLUSHAGE, or at worst, hand to hand combat with a brown trout using a toilet brush.

Where do you stand (or should that be sit?) on the issue of dropping a BROWNBERG?

Do you use your BUM MUSCLES to break the motions into easily flushable pieces, or do you go for a single motion which may cause a LOGJAM down the U-bend?

You foul man.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Reading all this has made me need a shit.

 

[Pretty pink fairy]

It's the ultimate dilemma, nothing beats dropping off Meatloaf's Daughter into the pan, but there is always a danger of MULTIPLE FLUSHAGE, or at worst, hand to hand combat with a brown trout using a toilet brush.

Where do you stand (or should that be sit?) on the issue of dropping a BROWNBERG?

Do you use your BUM MUSCLES to break the motions into easily flushable pieces, or do you go for a single motion which may cause a LOGJAM down the U-bend?

talk about a load of shit

 

[Guinness Boy]

What I like to do is have a lunch that consists of nothing but about 3 kilos of recently roasted meat. Then I just go in to the shower with a fork.