[Misc] Midlife crisis

[dsr-burnley]

Age has never bothered me at all, I actually enjoy getting older though for various reasons I don't particularly mark my birthday beyond what I have to do so Mini-Exile doesn't think it's weird when she celebrates hers. I reach 50 in a few weeks though and I'm really, really noticing that the midlife crisis - or as a mate calls it "midlife re-evaluation" is a very real thing for some of us despite me being cynical about it before and not believing it'd happen to me.

I've not gone to get a motorbike or run off with a younger woman or got any regrettable tattoos (yet) but there's definitely an awareness, not morbid though, that I've never had before that time is running down and I've lived most of my life now - a poet, Charles Wright, talks about "one day more is one day less" and I feel that. Not in a depressed way at all, just recognising it and a very strong feeling that I need to do something more with the time left than I have done with the past, say, 10 years (like maybe I should get a motorbike, run off with a younger woman and get some regrettable tattoos).

Also noticing things like I bought a lightbulb yesterday that will almost certainly last longer than I will. I still use the snooker cue I got for my 21st birthday and it's still fine, but I'm treating myself to a nicer one for my 50th and I know on that basis that'll probably outlast me too. Again, it's not morbid, I find that idea of continuity of things reassuring and comforting. I totally understand now why some people I've worked with in the past have reached 50 and older and suddenly started talking about needing to find purpose, or looking for charitable "legacy" work, or thrown everything up in the air and almost started again much more content having rebooted and reshaped their lives.

In the next 3 years Mini Exile will leave home, I'll move house very likely to the one I'll stay in until I can retire at 67 and probably beyond then too, maybe forever, shortly after that it'll be my silver wedding anniversary...there are so many life moments I remember my parents having and them seeming abstract to me that are now becoming my moments.

So wise people of NSC, now I've learned my cynicism of midlife crisis/re-evaluation was misguided, what if anything did you find in your 50s that was common among your peers so I can be ready for it? (And I'll be disappointed if at least some of the answers aren't taking the mickey.)

I've read your post three times, and can't recognise any crisis in there.

 

[BBassic]

I'm approaching 50 (48 this year) and I know exactly what you mean.
I've become increasingly aware of just how little time I potentially have to do anything meaningful with my life, but at the same time thinking there's been billions upon billions of nobodies before me in history who have been through the same thing and history remembers none of them.
Unless you're one of the rare ones who genuinely does something remarkable like finding a cure for a disease, bringing back animals from the brink of extinction or discovering a new species on a distant planet then it's really only your immediate social circle and loved ones who will remember you and even that will probably only last a generation or two and then you'll be forgotten.
Pep talks possibly aren't my strongest talent.

This exact thought, as I come up to my 40th birthday, is why I decided to go back to therapy.

Shit is scary. The idea that eventually the majority of us will be little more than a vague memory.

 

[happypig]

November in this country is ok, being soon after our summer and before if gets cold. March is nice because it's the start of spring, days are getting longer, it's starting to get warmer and the outlook is lovely. You'd be better off (IMO) going in Jan/Feb when it's cold and shit here.

Next year we will, Mrs H has been doing a bit of work which has meant the last two winters were stuck at home but she finishes end of Feb (woohoo !)

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

The average age of death in the Middle Ages was around 31 if I remember my history lessons.

Yes.

Oddly, and I bring this up when teaching students about age-related diseases, until very recently in the history of human existence we started breeding at around15, living just long enough to rear a couple of kids before we would die, of infection or injury, quite typically at the hands of some bastard from the next village intent on stealing food, animals and women.

So we are strong and shag-tastic in our teens, and either leaders or followers in our 20s, drawn to extremism and simplistic solutions, and then we die before ever engaging with much in the way of reflection.

And now......nothing has changed in terms of imperatives (thank goodness for laws) but we don't generally die young.....and.... life begins at 40!

What happens after 40 has therefore never had evolutionary pressure (played any role in 'survival of the fittest) till recently.
For the mass of working class this means the last 100 years.

So most of us have no idea, based on tradition and handed-down wisdom, how to manage getting older.
At this point I may venture that my neurodiversity may lend me an advantage.

The other thing of course is that despite oddballs like De Niro popping out kids in his 70s with younger women, most of us really don't keep on breeding after 40.
So evolutionary pressure (the issues that favour our ability to pass on our genes by breeding) are largely irrelevant for the over 40s.

The way I look at it is that after 40 life is a bonus. We can help shape the wider world and should try, but there is no need for us to beat ourselves up if we cannot.

Also we can acquire the mantle of patriarch and matriarch if we so choose and rear kids that we have later in our 30s, and grandkids and so on.

Life does have a purpose - protect our genes (which includes the genes of other humans which are almost identical to our own; which is why we are drawn to adoption, teaching, nursing, soldiering and the like). It isn't all directly 'about me' even if it is 'for me' whether we realize or not..

Call me peculiar but I even see things like weeding my garden and disposing of litter as having a larger value in the pursuit of the greater good.
And it doesn't matter if that's bollocks.
It's a nice way of looking at things, and things that lift the mood are inherently good.
If I'm miserable, I'm useless, so I generally swerve misery.
It is surprisingly not hard to do, I just realized. How very odd!

 

[Weststander]

Like @WATFORD zero I’d say I’m content, happy … it must be the air around here . So much that I want to do, that I will do. I aspire to be around for decades to come, healthy and active hopefully. Only C will curtail that. Always have plans, then do it. I made my own luck by leaving servitude in employment, if anyone here would love to do the same and it’s feasible, just do it.

50 is nothing.

Be physically healthy, minimise booze, cut out the carbs, do exercise. Work on mental wellbeing, don’t be reticent about opening up or seeking help. Have interests, find comedy in life.

Start things you‘ve always wanted to do now, it’s far easier to learn them now than in 15 years time.

 

[Happy Exile]

I totally relate, @Happy Exile.

I was 50 last year. It had become a mental milestone during my 40s, as I’d become convinced that I wouldn’t get there (due to all the bad shit I’d done earlier in life before counselling straightened me out). Back in August last year, I’m in sight of the proverbial ‘finishing line’, with my birthday at the end of the month. My wife has planned a celebration for me, and I’m thinking to myself “yes, I’m going to make it after all.”

2 weeks before the big day, I go for a routine 7-mile run on a Friday late afternoon. My heart decides to malfunction after 10 minutes, and reaches a peak of 223bpm. I go home, feeling a) dreadful and b) like I can’t make a fuss, as it’s our elder daughter’s 21st that weekend, and we’ve got plans.

If you’re still reading, yes, I’m a total fúcking idiot (but I know that).

I get through the weekend with a racing heart that won’t settle back to a regular rhythm or resting rate (I’m at 90 when it should be much lower). Try another run on the Tuesday, with the same effect of an immediate spike in BPM.

Medical intervention required. My GP referred me to a cardiologist, and I saw someone privately just before my 50th, who brought reassurance that I wasn’t about to drop dead unexpectedly. I managed to enjoy a great birthday celebration with those closest to me, which was the best gift of all.

Unsurprisingly, this had a major impact on my outlook on life. A proper brush with my own mortality, and a chance to reevaluate everything. Family, friendship, work, future plans - the whole lot. But the impact has been positive, rather than leaving me fearful of what’s to come. I’m not living every day as if it’s my last, but I do have a different attitude.

My family and friends are everything.

Work is important, but there’s more of my career behind me than ahead, and I’m planning for retirement not my next move/s upward in the next 5 to 10 years.

And I’ve started to do things with more purpose and sooner, just in case I never get to them for some reason.

I’m not, thankfully, suffering from a long term heart condition. Extensive tests have confirmed my ticker is structurally and functionally strong, and the malfunction was caused by cardiac arrhythmia. This hasn’t resurfaced, and I’m back running again (albeit at a slower pace, not because I have to, but because I want to).

I’m still standing, and looking forward to the ‘second half’ of life.

Apologies for the essay. This is the longest message I’ve ever written on NSC. I won’t ever type anything of similar length again, as I wouldn’t want to bore anyone twice.

Thank you for sharing. Not boring at all and I appreciate the perspective you’ve given. And I’m glad you’re OK now too.

 

[Boroseagull]

Mmm...can just remember turning 50 however that was some time ago! I hit 79 this June and still stay as active as possible (I was on the Guadalhorce bird reserve first thing this morning and that's 4.9km of walking). I do sometimes reflect on the fact time is running out but other than the usual aches & niggles coupled with minor prostrate enlargement I consider myself lucky health wise. Mrs BS not quite so lucky, one hip replaced and the second one due to be done in March - other than that OK.

I did plan to retire at 60 and arranged my finances to do just that. Why you may ask? Well I saw my fathers passing at 64 after a hard life including serving in India & Burma during WW2, suffering chrohn's disease and missing out on his pension by 4 weeks as a sign. So far I've enjoyed 18 years retirement and hope for a few more.

All I ask is that before I shuffle off this mortal coil is my beloved football team win a trophy of any kind - pretty please

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

An interesting thread. Health aside, aging has never worried me. I think mainly because I have never looked too far into the future and certainly never had any major plans. I have certainly made big life decisions, eg buying a house, marriage, emigrating, but none were any part of a master plan….they just happened. My bucket list is just the Trans Siberian Railway, I want to do this but have no idea when other than I guess it all happen when I retire as I want to spend 3 months doing it. It’s not essential though. As long as I have music, Albion, newspapers and good food and my friends and family I feel I will be content.

A friend of mine, who’s only 35, had been worrying he does not have any life plans…he said “I have no idea what I want my life will look like in 1, 2 or 5 years time”. Do you need to know? If you do, the moment will present itself.

 

[TugWilson]

Some great posts on here that are so easy to relate to , which I suppose implies a pattern that we all must follow to some degree . At 50 I was still very fit and strong , and remember thinking that while my body wanted to slow down I had to keep going or I would become old and fat and slow !. I then thought exactly the same at 55 and 60 , and then like the proverbial ton of bricks I fell to bits , I see a surgeon on the 26th about a spinal operation (neck) and as above I need a new left shoulder and have already had one knee op and am waiting for what follows that - but it seems I am far from alone .

My biggest worry was always what legacy I would leave behind , because apart from hard work I`ve achieved nothing of real value - a very unpleasant feeling . So my legacy has to be my two daughters who I am incredibly proud of and who have already achieved so much more than I ever could , both high up in their respective jobs both with their own houses husbands and children , and both very good people . So I think if that is my legacy I can except that with a smile and stop beating myself up with the belief that we all must invent fire , but I do need to make sure I don`t turn into the archetypal bad tempered angry old git because I can no longer do the things that I used to be able to .

 

[dazzer6666]

Like @WATFORD zero I’d say I’m content, happy … it must be the air around here . So much that I want to do, that I will do. I aspire to be around for decades to come, healthy and active hopefully. Only C will curtail that. Always have plans, then do it. I made my own luck by leaving servitude in employment, if anyone here would love to do the same and it’s feasible, just do it.

50 is nothing.

Be physically healthy, minimise booze, cut out the carbs, do exercise. Work on mental wellbeing, don’t be reticent about opening up or seeking help. Have interests, find comedy in life.

Start things you‘ve always wanted to do now, it’s far easier to learn them now than in 15 years time.

All of that (except minimising the booze perhaps ). My diary is usually completely full. When we’re not away, I fish 2-3 times a week, go to football (home and away Albion plus home BHTFC), do a few hours a week sporadically as charity trustee/school governor, go to the gym/run 4/5 times a week, a weekly yoga class, play snooker regularly , have a monthly card school group that’s been going for ever, 3/4 regular lunch dates most months and play golf occasionally (including a 5 day annual Algarve trip). We had around 10-11 weeks in total away on holiday last year.

We’ve gone very much into ‘JFDI’ mode. Whereas things like holidays, trips, experiences etc used to involve weeks of discussion leading to an eventual decision, now it‘s usually ‘yeah, sounds nice/good idea, I’ll book it now’.

 

[AK74]

Thank you for sharing. Not boring at all and I appreciate the perspective you’ve given. And I’m glad you’re OK now too.

Thank-you for starting this thread.

Wishing you - and everyone on NSC - all the best.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Some great posts on here that are so easy to relate to , which I suppose implies a pattern that we all must follow to some degree . At 50 I was still very fit and strong , and remember thinking that while my body wanted to slow down I had to keep going or I would become old and fat and slow !. I then thought exactly the same at 55 and 60 , and then like the proverbial ton of bricks I fell to bits , I see a surgeon on the 26th about a spinal operation (neck) and as above I need a new left shoulder and have already had one knee op and am waiting for what follows that - but it seems I am far from alone .

My biggest worry was always what legacy I would leave behind , because apart from hard work I`ve achieved nothing of real value - a very unpleasant feeling . So my legacy has to be my two daughters who I am incredibly proud of and who have already achieved so much more than I ever could , both high up in their respective jobs both with their own houses husbands and children , and both very good people . So I think if that is my legacy I can except that with a smile and stop beating myself up with the belief that we all must invent fire , but I do need to make sure I don`t turn into the archetypal bad tempered angry old git because I can no longer do the things that I used to be able to .

This seems a fine legacy to me. If I had to choose between material legacy or a fine family I’d take the latter every time.

 

[AK74]

All of that (except minimising the booze perhaps ). My diary is usually completely full. When we’re not away, I fish 2-3 times a week, go to football (home and away Albion plus home BHTFC), do a few hours a week sporadically as charity trustee/school governor, go to the gym/run 4/5 times a week, a weekly yoga class, play snooker regurlarly, have a monthly card school group that’s been going for ever, 3/4 regular lunch dates most months and play golf occasionally (including a 5 day annual Algarve trip). We had around 10-11 weeks in total away on holiday last year.

We’ve gone very much into ‘JFDI’ mode. Whereas things like holidays, trips, experiences etc used to involve weeks of discussion leading to an eventual decision, now it‘s usually ‘yeah, sounds nice/good idea, I’ll book it now’.

This is the blueprint which my wife and I are hoping to follow.

I love reading the Retirement thread. A sign of how the NSC demographic has shifted over the last 25 years, but a very enjoyable and inspirational part of the content available here.

 

[dazzer6666]

Some great posts on here that are so easy to relate to , which I suppose implies a pattern that we all must follow to some degree . At 50 I was still very fit and strong , and remember thinking that while my body wanted to slow down I had to keep going or I would become old and fat and slow !. I then thought exactly the same at 55 and 60 , and then like the proverbial ton of bricks I fell to bits , I see a surgeon on the 26th about a spinal operation (neck) and as above I need a new left shoulder and have already had one knee op and am waiting for what follows that - but it seems I am far from alone .

My biggest worry was always what legacy I would leave behind , because apart from hard work I`ve achieved nothing of real value - a very unpleasant feeling . So my legacy has to be my two daughters who I am incredibly proud of and who have already achieved so much more than I ever could , both high up in their respective jobs both with their own houses husbands and children , and both very good people . So I think if that is my legacy I can except that with a smile and stop beating myself up with the belief that we all must invent fire , but I do need to make sure I don`t turn into the archetypal bad tempered angry old git because I can no longer do the things that I used to be able to .

There’s the contradiction in plain sight

 

[Flounce]

Nice.



Jesus, that was uncalled for.

Not really, I can see my daughter saying the same to me and we’d both laugh about it.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

The average age of death in the Middle Ages was around 31 if I remember my history lessons.

It’s an average which was strongly affected by infant mortality. My paternal grandparents had two children die before the age of two, and my maternal grandparents had a son who died aged three.
If you managed to get through childhood, you had a good chance of living to 70 if you had enough food.

 

[BN9 BHA]

All of that (except minimising the booze perhaps ). My diary is usually completely full. When we’re not away, I fish 2-3 times a week, go to football (home and away Albion plus home BHTFC), do a few hours a week sporadically as charity trustee/school governor, go to the gym/run 4/5 times a week, a weekly yoga class, play snooker regularly , have a monthly card school group that’s been going for ever, 3/4 regular lunch dates most months and play golf occasionally (including a 5 day annual Algarve trip). We had around 10-11 weeks in total away on holiday last year.

We’ve gone very much into ‘JFDI’ mode. Whereas things like holidays, trips, experiences etc used to involve weeks of discussion leading to an eventual decision, now it‘s usually ‘yeah, sounds nice/good idea, I’ll book it now’.

How do you find time to post on here?

 

[dazzer6666]

How do you find time to post on here?

Multitasking

 

[Blues Guitarist]

Age, as others have said, is just a number. But getting old is something you can, to some extent, put off by staying fit and healthy.

When I was 50 I started planning seriously to retire as early as possible (and bought a motorbike). I left full time emplyment aged 56 and did part time consulting for the next 5 years. I'm now 68 and still ski as well as I ever have done (which is good but not great), and can still ski from first lift to late afternoon. Golf handicap is lowest it's ever been (which, again, is good but bit great - perhaps the story of my life). Me and Mrs BG enjoy long walks in the mountains, summer and winter.

Advice? Keep fit and be lucky.

 

[MTSeagulls]

It's definitely a thing - a reassessment. I often think, like the Menopause and various other big life changes sadly society rivens it with clichés and negativity.

But crisis derives from the Greek verb Kino. Meaning to "choose, decide, or distinguish".

You have all this knowledge, experience and your internal system is asking you to discard juvenile coping styles and embrace it.

what is It, a person wants and needs to have a good life (remainder).

Mine was focused on being more healthy and having a better lifestyle, getting professional help to sort various un-dealt-with things out, lurking in the subconcious being conter productive. Trying to live in the moment more for kids and wife and not letting my job stress me out.

I've not completely ruled out buying a motorbike and getting a new Judy with big bazoingas, but frankly, it sounds like a right faff.

I had no idea you were a puppeteer