Joke du jour

[SurreySeagulls]

Higgs Boson goes into a Catholic church. The priest says, "You're not welcome here." Higgs Boson says "You can't have mass without me."

 

[rocker959]

Yes, yes...but has anyone got any pre-1890 jokes they want to share on here?

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates ? Because he's married.

 

[rocker959]

I've just found out that my brother has Alzheimers. Hope it does not run in the family cos my brothers got it as well.

 

[rocker959]

I bumped ito a Dutchman today and I noticed his shoes had built-in sat nav. I thought to myself , ' f***ing clever clogs !'

 

[rocker959]

My new party trick.........

I swallow 2 lengths of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together.....Seriously.

I shit you not.

 

[Durlston]

Paris Hilton is in prison, queuing up for breakfast. Two guards are slopping porridge into each bowl for the prisoners. "Let's have a laugh," says one. "I'm going to wank in the porridge." "Great idea," says the second. Both have a quick wank in the porridge before delivering it to Paris. Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says, "Eeuggh!! I'm not eating this!" The guard asks: "Why not?" Paris replies, "It's got porridge in it."

 

[Durlston]

What's long, hard and a Polish bride gets it on her wedding night?

A new surname.

 

[Muzzy]

A mate of mine decided to go to the suicide hospital in Switzerland to end his life.... On his first morning they dished up his breakfast..... Cheerios!

 

[Tony Towner's Fridge]

A mate of mine decided to go to the suicide hospital in Switzerland to end his life.... On his first morning they dished up his breakfast..... Cheerios!

That is funny!

TNBA

TTF

 

[User removed 4]

Congratulations Amy Winehouse.................one year sober today !!

 

[16bha]

Why don't Ukrainians where boxer shorts?

Chernobyl fall out!

 

[Guy Crouchback]

This joke has hundreds of versions - here's one especially for NSC:

At school, little Stevie's class was discussing what people do for a living when the teacher
asked what the student's fathers did for a living. Mary responds: My dad is a dentist.
Billy responds: My dad drives a lorry. Stevie responds: My dad dances at a gay bar.
Somewhat concerned, the teacher stops Stevie at the end of the class to let him
know that if he has difficulty with what his dad does or needs to talk to someone
about it, she would be there for him. He replies: My dad doesn't really dance at
a gay bar. I was just a little embarrassed. He really plays football for Crystal Palace.

 

[smalldino]

I was walking down the high street today and there were 2 blind blokes squaring up for a fight. I shouted "my money's on the one with the knife" I pissed myself laughing as they both turned and ran into a wall

 

[Crispy Ambulance]

Jesus is on the cross with his disciples milling around. He spots St Peter and shouts out

"Peter, come forth and I will show you the way to enlightenment and everlasting fulfilment".

Sadly, he came fifth and won a toaster!

 

[Kumquat]

A paper bag goes to the doctor saying he's really ill. The doctor does some tests and says "You've got aids." The paper bag says "How can I have f***ing aids? I'm a paper bag!" The doctor says "Was your mum a carrier?"

 

[Guy Crouchback]

 

[Marxo]

Nurse, nurse, I've only got 59 seconds to live!
The doctor will see you in a minute.

 

[element]

Two girls talking in the morning, about the party they'd been to the night before

One says, 'My mouth feels like the bottom of a birdcage...'

The other replies, 'I'm not surprised. You had a cockatoo in there last night...'

 

[Bladders]

I found it hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey....

........... But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

 

[Bladders]

What you do call an Indian with pink hair ?

Ghandi Floss....