Joke du jour

[Bladders]

A 73 year old woman has appeared in court charged with streaking at the Chelsea Flower Show.

She was let off with a caution,but was awarded 1st prize in the "best dried bush" arrangement.

 

[element]

What's got a hundred legs and stinks of piss?

A Conga line at an old-people's home party

 

[Bladders]

Bloke gets his London Olympics special edition condoms through the post, they're in gold, silver and bronze.

He says to his wife 'I think I'll wear the gold ones tonight love'

His wife says ''I think you should wear the silver ones and come second for a change'

 

[Bladders]

Decided to do my bit for society and fostered a young offender......




..........pleasingly all 4 cans hit him square on the back of the head.

 

[element]

A bloke working in a local condom factory was putting together an order going to South Croydon. For a bit of fun, he took the case of 1000 XXL ones, and changed the label to, 'Made in Brighton - *SMALL*'

 

[Bladders]

I was in a taxi the other night and the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do"

I said "Left here mate"

 

[Bladders]

I bumped into an old mate today. He Said ''What you up to these days?''

I said '' I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, drunks and down 'n' outs.''

He said ''So you work in a charity drop in centre then?''

I said '' No, I'm a chef at a Wetherspoons pub.''

 

[Bladders]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

..........but she did.

 

[Oddsocks]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

..........but she did.

Classic!!

I'm 52 and work with a 17 year old girl. She touches me up at the photocopier and rubs my leg under the table in meetings and sends me suggestive emails. She even leaves her underwear on my car..........I told a colleague about her and he asked if I'm telling the ombudsman......I said I'm TELLING EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[User removed 4]

I've been having a sexual relationship witha blind woman, its been very rewarding and the sex is amazing, but its also been very challenging along the way......................................it took me ages to get her husbands voice right

 

[User removed 4]

What does DNA stand for ??



National Dyslexic Association

 

[Bladders]

Before he sadly passed away Jimmy Saville was writing a book on his theory of Space & Time Relativity.

It was called 'Now Then..Now Then.. Now Then..'

 

[Bladders]

A man was shagging a 30 stone women.

He says '' can we have the light off?''

''You find me repulsive?'' she said

''No, it's burning my arse''

 

[Bladders]

 

[Bladders]

 

[Bladders]

I was driving past a field today when I saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank.

I thought to myself, ''that poor sods just clutching at straws''

 

[Bladders]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we laid there shagging I thought to myself.................these Taser guns are well worth the money.

 

[Cars]

A group of blonde women walk in a pub chanting "8 months, 8 months, 8 months"

The barman asks the women what they're celebrating.

They reply "we've just completed a puzzle in 8 months, when it says 2-3 years on the box"

 

[Lankyseagull]

Heard on the news today that someone has been shot with a starting pistol at the Olympic Stadium.
Police think its race related.....

 

[Bladders]

My Mrs said she was going to leave me over my obsession with the Monkeys.

At first I didn't believe it. Then I saw her face.