Joke du jour

[Bladders]

There is a farmer who has some sheep. But they wont mate. He wants them to breed so that his farm will be a success with more lambs.

One day he looks out of the curtains when he gets out of bed, and they're still not mating.

So he gets ready, goes outside, loads them all up on the back of his pick up truck and drives to the woods. He gives them all a good seeing to so that when they get back to farm they are in the mood and will start mating.

Next morning he looks out of the curtains again. Still nothing. So he loads them on his pick up truck and back the woods for a bit rumpy pumpy.

This goes on all week and still they wont mate. Each day he takes them on his pick up truck and off to the woods so that when they come back they are in the mood and start mating.

Sunday morning he wakes up and sees his Mrs getting ready and calls to her "Have a look out of the window and see if the sheep are mating"

She looks out of the curtains and replies:

"Nope, but they are in your pick up truck and one of them is beeping the horn"

 

[shingle]

There was once a football match between the animals and the insects. The insects were 5-0 down at half time, At the start of the second half they brought on their star striker a centipede called Tony. At the end of the match the insects had won 6-5 with Tony the centipede scoring all 6. When asked why he hadn't come on for the whole match, Tony replied

It took me till half time to put me boots on.

I'll get me coat

 

[driller]

this good weather is not fooling me...


...it is just a front

 

[El Sid]

Wayne Rooney spotted in Nestle factory

Hundreds of Knitting Nanas evacuated

 

[Bladders]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

[Bladders]

A female ref has been appointed for Brighton's first home match of the season.

The kickoff has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

 

[Bladders]

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a women called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason she gets rather embarrassed whenever she receives her post:

Lynda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

 

[Bladders]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl wank him off.

I said ''that's 3 schools this year''!!

''You need to stop this or they'll ban you from teaching altogether''!

 

[element]

A bloke delivers an old boy's Meals-On-Wheels grub, who says, 'Listen sonny, I've never drank, smoked, gambled, or consorted with women...' The MoW driver says, 'But you have lived to a ripe old age pop...' The old boy looks him in the eye, and says, 'Yes. And it fuc*ing seems like it....'

 

[Bladders]

Two guys in a bar are discussing "sex positions" ,......so one tells the other,

"Well my favorite is the rodeo!" and the other says, "What's the rodeo?""well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too'

and then try to hold on for 8 seconds'

 

[driller]

Turns out my mate's girlfriend does not have Tourette's

He is a fecking **** after all !

 

[pasty]

Two girls were pointing and laughing at my beer gut today and one asked "So is that Fosters or Stella?" So I told her "Well there's a tap underneath it, why don't you try tasting it"?

 

[Bladders]

My missus just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking ''why didn't they want me?''

I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection banging her up the arse and shouting ''WHO'S YOUR DADDY!!'' was a little insensitive.

 

[Bladders]

Couple driving home accidentally run over a badger. They get out of the car and find that it's still breathing but freezing cold

He says ''put it between your legs to warm it up''

she says ''but it's all wet and it stinks!!''

he says '' well hold the badgers nose then!!''

 

[Bladders]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, sucking his cock for eternity.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said,





'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

 

[Bladders]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mum and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mum asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

 

[Bladders]

A man goes into a library & asks for a book on underage dwarf sex.

The librarian says, 'How can you stoop so f***ing low'

The man replies, 'Yeah, that's the one'!!

 

[Bladders]

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?






The wife.

 

[driller]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "f*** off, you won't bring it back."

 

[driller]

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.