Joke du jour

[driller]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?

"The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

 

[driller]

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?

Sexy kids.

 

[driller]

My girlfriend just finished with me for being too kinky

I nearly chocked on her piss when she told me.

 

[Washie]

I was watching a porn video last night and accidentally shared it with Facebook.

My ex-girlfriend still can't see how I managed to accidentally transfer it to the laptop from my video camera, accidentally click the 'add video' button and accidentally tag her in it, but these things happen.

 

[Washie]

Mark Lawrenson during the Germany v Italy game: "Germany need to step on the gas."

Woah Mark... let's not encourage them to do that again!

 

[driller]

As I sat down in front of the PC and had a wank, he calmly added an indecency charge.

 

[Bladders]

Just bought a dog from the local Blacksmith....

...as soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.

 

[Steve Foster]

First sailing results are in. Britain have taken gold, the USA have taken silver & Somalia have taken a middle-aged couple from Weymouth.

 

[pipkin112]

The head of the Somali olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team, after being told that shooting and sailing are two separate events.

 

[pipkin112]

It's my scouse nephews birthday tomorrow, so as a surprise i've put £10 in his nans purse.

 

[rocker959]

The Irish Olympic Team have just arrived in Beijing....!!

Armed Police will be on duty during the Olympics. Unarmed Police will be on duty during the Paralympics.

My wife wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I've bought two normal cats and glued their heads together.

 

[Muzzy]

Paddy says to Murphy " I see that Christmas day will be on a Friday this year" Murphy replies" well I hope it's not on the 13th"

 

[arich264]

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

 

[Wardy]

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Good joke but only works if you know who Wyatt Earp is

 

[Silk]

A duck walks into a bar.

Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: no.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: no!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No! And if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar, you irritating bastard of a bird.
Duck:Got any nails?
Barman: no!
Duck: got any bread, then?

 

[GingerBeerMan]

My missus just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking ''why didn't they want me?''

I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection banging her up the arse and shouting ''WHO'S YOUR DADDY!!'' was a little insensitive.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl wank him off.

I said ''that's 3 schools this year''!!

''You need to stop this or they'll ban you from teaching altogether''!

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Just bought a dog from the local Blacksmith....

...as soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.

These are my favourite. Good job