[Humour] Great comedy lines

[WATFORD zero]

A few to get started

"I am playing all the right notes, just not necessarily in the right order"
"Don't tell him, Pike"
"I hear you're a racist now Father"

 

[Coldeanseagull]

A pint? That's an armful!

 

[Pavilionaire]

“DEATH…. by BONGO!!!”

 

[Frutos]

“Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain …”

"I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats"

"Last time I was late, a fireman had to climb out of my bedroom window and risk his life on a narrow ledge trying to grab hold of my pussy"

 

[Superphil]

Shit
What?
Rollers
No
Yeah
Shit

 

[jakarta]

Nice Beaver...

 

[Papak]

"That is not my dog"

 

[Titanic]

Where do you want the blinds?

 

[Brian Potter]

Morning Eddie. Have you got the Sundays?
Do you know, I think I have. When that makes it out into the channel it will be a danger to shipping

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Brighton & Hove Albion are hiring a Centre Forward Scouting Manager

 

[Peacehaven Wild Kids]

“We had hail and sleet”

“We had Hale n Pace”

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

Four candles

 

[DavidRyder]

'I don't want to be part of your sex festival' - Lynn, Alan Partridge

 

[Titanic]

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

 

[Titanic]

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

'Who are you and how did you get in here?

I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'

 

[BBassic]

You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other... donkey.

Oh Brian, you came!
No, I just spilt my drink.

Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft!

Big fan of 'Spaced'...

 

[PeakGull]

"It's just a flesh wound." ...

 

[Badger]

"Let me tell you something about the Titanic: people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg."

 

[jcdenton08]

Oooh, ladyboys