Does anyone have any Jokes?

[Seagull27]

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist? He got the sack.

The pay wasn't great but at least he got to keep the tips.

 

[seagullsdaz]

I went up to a personal trainer in the gym today and told him i really wanted to impress a girl i'm after. I asked him which machine i should use.

"ATM" he replied

 

[Mellotron]

I'll see your Mickey Adams, and raise you

 

[Hatterlovesbrighton]

I was in a public toilet when a voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not bad thanks"
After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"
I answered, somewhat reluctantly "Just having a quick shit, How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some c*nt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say"

Brilliant!!

 

[seagullsdaz]

I'm not saying staff at my local Sainsbury's are inept, but i've used self checkout twice and i've already been named Employee of the Month

 

[Mendoza]

Irony - buying Stephen Hawkin a walkie talkie for Christmas

 

[salty seagull]

Went for a chinky the other night, I chose the chicken. i thought it was a bit chewy. i complained to the boss, your chicken's rubbery. He said, Thankyou verry much!!

I went for a chinese the other night. I didn`t order anything I just went for him!:hammer:

 

[seagullsdaz]

Just been to the shop to buy oxo cubes, couldn't find them anywhere

They must've been out of stock

 

[Lewes' best seagull]

A priest and a hindu were making some toast. Suddenly the priest exclaims look theres a image of my lord jesus within the margarine !!! ..the hindu looks gutted and says ,i cant believe its not Buddah

What?!?

SHIRLEY you mean a BUDDHIST?

 

[chucky1973]

Im Just on holiday in Japan and I am amazed at the number of locals that are Newcastle Utd fans, they're all running round shouting "Toon Army, Toon Army".......anyway, must dash, cant seem to find my car though......

 

[The Wookiee]

f***ing police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?

 

[The Wookiee]

Went for a family dinner the other day at the inlaws, I was the the perfect gent by offering to help prepare the dinner. I followed the wifes orders, however she was most upset when she caught me fingering her great nan and wanking off her great grandad. How was I supposed to know what she meant when she said go and turn on the vegetables!

 

[Seagull on the wing]

One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labour with triplets.
her husband did'nt want any part of this so he took the car and left.
So she had to walk to hospital by herself.All of a sudden she came to a dark alley when a man leapt out the darkness ans shot her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital the doctors saved her life and the 3 kids were fine!
16 years later the girl who was born first came up to mother and sais"

 

[Seagull on the wing]

One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labour with triplets.
her husband did'nt want any part of this so he took the car and left.
So she had to walk to hospital by herself.All of a sudden she came to a dark alley when a man leapt out the darkness ans shot her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital the doctors saved her life and the 3 kids were fine!
16 years later the girl who was born first came up to mother and said" Mum guess what ,I was on the toilet and pissed out a bullet!
Mum told her what happened on the way to hospital
Then the second girl came out and said "Mum,I've just pissed out a bullet,so again mother explained what happened 16 years ago.
Then the youngest,a son and said "Mum,Mum guess what?
"You pissed out a bullet says Mum!
No,I was having a wank and shot the Dog!!"

Sorry not doing the complete joke before,slipped trying to reach the Brandy!

 

[Iamapen15]

What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?*

........The French.

 

[cw00]

did you know 9/10 people like gang rape.

 

[dingodan]

what do you get if you cross a poodle with an elephant?





A dead poodle split in half.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

2 monkeys in a bath, the first goes 'oo ooo oooo oo oo'
the second on says 'If it's that hot put some more cold water in'

 

[Crispy Ambulance]

Just met a dyslexic Yorkshireman - he had a cat flap on his head!