Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

I hear that one a lot. Work in finance, not financial markets. I may have completely misunderstood, but "net net" just seems to mean, well, "net".

Literally no one who says ‘net net’ knows what it means. Unless they have a big beard, work on a trawler, and shout it very loudly at a deckhand.

 

[Sirnormangall]

There's a bloke I work with who starts almost every conversational sentence about ANYTHING with "I'm not being funny, but...."


No.

You're not.

I’m guessing that he’s not a consultant because they start every sentence with “ So......”

 

[Cian]

Senior management have decided that everyone should be ITIL certified. Because Thatcher-era British government practices are a thing to aspire to, clearly.

So far they've managed to send nearly everyone who has any managerial work to do on the course, as well as most senior engineers. As a senior engineer with a whopping three staff to manage I've only avoided it so far by pointing to having done it as a module for my degree many many years ago. But I know the sodding cert will be demanded soon.

As far as I can tell, its the acronym obsessed head of project management who wants everyone to have that bit of paper. Presumably shouting about PRINCE2 and PMP at her own staff has worn off.

 

[FamilyGuy]

"Agile", in development terms it pretty much means making it up as you go along, and to not worry too much about whether it is tested properly.

I'm probably gonna regret this, but agile is absolutely the opposite of that.

I've sold and practiced agile for the last 18 years, and with the right will and the right commitment I've seen it change and improve individuals, teams and entire businesses for the better.

 

[dazzer6666]

I'm probably gonna regret this, but agile is absolutely the opposite of that.

I've sold and practiced agile for the last 18 years, and with the right will and the right commitment I've seen it change and improve individuals, teams and entire businesses for the better.

It’s a new label applied to good old practical common sense, supplied by a fresh-faced goon charging a grand a day that doesn’t give a flying f**k about the long term sustainability of the underlying function.

 

[Sorrel]

I've spent quite a long time being an Agile/Change/Security consultant. I'm not so fresh faced anymore, so hopefully I've not been too annoying to people in this thread.

At least I do my best never to eat at work/talk about food or exercise at work/move items of stationery around. One of the best things about being the consultant is the knowledge that you won't be stuck with any annoying people in the office you're working in.

 

[Napier]

One of my colleagues has started missing the last adjective or verb out of sentences and replacing them with the word absolutely......... "we've got to be absolutely" or "it has to be absolutely".................we're nearly at the tipping point when I go off on one......"Absolutely F***ing what? For crying out loud finish your F***ing sentences, unless you're agreeing with someone, finishing a sentence with the word "absolutely" makes no F***ing sense whatsoever"

Of course we all know I'll probably say absolutely nothing.

Absolutely.

 

[FamilyGuy]

It’s a new label applied to good old practical common sense, supplied by a fresh-faced goon charging a grand a day that doesn’t give a flying f**k about the long term sustainability of the underlying function.

"It's a new label ....."
No its not , I sold my first agile project in April 2000, it's mature, established and proven

" supplied by a fresh faced goon ....." I'm 65 ffs! I haven't been fresh faced for a long time.

" that doesn't give a flying **** about the long term sustainability....." On the contrary. I have worked with charities and not for profit organisations for many years, and have given freely of my time to introduce agile to individuals, teams and Organisations

I'll stop now, I was simply trying to set the record straight based on my 59 years in IT, and my 19 years in agile.

... And relax.

 

[Norman Potting]

"It's a new label ....."
No its not , I sold my first agile project in April 2000, it's mature, established and proven

" supplied by a fresh faced goon ....." I'm 65 ffs! I haven't been fresh faced for a long time.

" that doesn't give a flying **** about the long term sustainability....." On the contrary. I have worked with charities and not for profit organisations for many years, and have given freely of my time to introduce agile to individuals, teams and Organisations

I'll stop now, I was simply trying to set the record straight based on my 59 years in IT, and my 19 years in agile.

... And relax.

You started in IT when you were 6 ��

 

[Weststander]

I’m guessing that he’s not a consultant because they start every sentence with “ So......”

Or arrogant narcissists with “Quite clearly .... “. Followed by their know-it-all conclusion on a subjective matter.

 

[dazzer6666]

"It's a new label ....."
No its not , I sold my first agile project in April 2000, it's mature, established and proven

" supplied by a fresh faced goon ....." I'm 65 ffs! I haven't been fresh faced for a long time.

" that doesn't give a flying **** about the long term sustainability....." On the contrary. I have worked with charities and not for profit organisations for many years, and have given freely of my time to introduce agile to individuals, teams and Organisations

I'll stop now, I was simply trying to set the record straight based on my 59 years in IT, and my 19 years in agile.

... And relax.

Yeah, but the firm I work for is at least 15 years behind on virtually everything, so the shiny-suited charlatans can pretend it is new and everyone starts dribbling about how great it is.........until ‘Agile’ meets the slowly-grinding reality of the firms real-world administrative treacle. At which point it goes from Agile, to Fragile, to Futile.

 

[FamilyGuy]

You started in IT when you were 6 ��

You'd think I'd have learned to type by now wouldn't you
... Or at least add up!

 

[FamilyGuy]

Yeah, but the firm I work for is at least 15 years behind on virtually everything, so the shiny-suited charlatans can pretend it is new and everyone starts dribbling about how great it is.........until ‘Agile’ meets the slowly-grinding reality of the firms real-world administrative treacle. At which point it goes from Agile, to Fragile, to Futile.

I know a bloke that can fix that ...

.. And now back to the original subject of this conversation ....

 

[Sirnormangall]

I’m receiving an increasing number of work emails from people who want to “reach out” to me. I don’t work for a charity or the church so I’m assuming that this is the latest new business speak designed to enrich our lives. Or maybe it was a typo and they meant to say “retch” - which would be more appropriate because that’s what it makes me want to do.

 

[Barham's tash]

I’m receiving an increasing number of work emails from people who want to “reach out” to me. I don’t work for a charity or the church so I’m assuming that this is the latest new business speak designed to enrich our lives. Or maybe it was a typo and they meant to say “retch” - which would be more appropriate because that’s what it makes me want to do.

Reach out is up there with ‘touch base with’ in my top ten of bell cheese vocabulary.

Touch base mate? No thanks. Touch cloth more like.

As for agile don’t get me started. Most IT types use agile for when they mean “it might actually take me less than six months to deem your menial task worthy of my attention minion” - and yet they still come in WAY over budget and NEVER meet the deadlines.


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[Hampster Gull]

Reach out is up there with ‘touch base with’ in my top ten of bell cheese vocabulary.

Touch base mate? No thanks. Touch cloth more like.

As for agile don’t get me started. Most IT types use agile for when they mean “it might actually take me less than six months to deem your menial task worthy of my attention minion” - and yet they still come in WAY over budget and NEVER meet the deadlines.


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IT is a bit of a charlatan function, unable to deliver projects to cost, time or scope.

 

[Albalbion]

Bellcheese in my office has picked up a nice new annoying trait, she now repeats words in her sentence unnecessarily all day, it may be that she has done this for a while and I’ve just noticed it, but now that I have it is like nails on a blackboard all day long. For example she will say something like “I do this, that and the other... I do” “you will have to go there... you will” “this printer doesn’t work... it doesn’t”.

So annoying.

She also asked when she would be able to start manager training last week. (She’s been in the company for less than six months, has had to have her probation period extended because she’s crap and has started on the lowest rung and is now asking when she’ll be trained up to run the office) the assistant manager and I just looked at each other dumbfounded at the brass neck on it! So at least we can look forward to her dropping those hints all day long for the next eternity! “I think I’d enjoy management training... I do”

On the plus side, a new girl has just started in the office and after a couple of days it has become obvious she doesn’t like the office bellcheese either, it’s nice to know others feel the same sort of hatred for her.


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[Lyndhurst 14]

I’m receiving an increasing number of work emails from people who want to “reach out” to me. I don’t work for a charity or the church so I’m assuming that this is the latest new business speak designed to enrich our lives. Or maybe it was a typo and they meant to say “retch” - which would be more appropriate because that’s what it makes me want to do.

Another one you can thank the Yanks for. In a slight reversal one of my American colleagues was getting his knickers in a twist about the number of his countrymen in our New York office who have started referring to their cell phones as mobiles, he sees it as the thin end of the wedge - very un-American

 

[Baldseagull]

Reach out is up there with ‘touch base with’ in my top ten of bell cheese vocabulary.

Touch base mate? No thanks. Touch cloth more like.

As for agile don’t get me started. Most IT types use agile for when they mean “it might actually take me less than six months to deem your menial task worthy of my attention minion” - and yet they still come in WAY over budget and NEVER meet the deadlines.


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If you go around to a person you have been asked to reach out to, is that what is called a reach around?

 

[Baldseagull]

Bellcheese in my office has picked up a nice new annoying trait, she now repeats words in her sentence unnecessarily all day, it may be that she has done this for a while and I’ve just noticed it, but now that I have it is like nails on a blackboard all day long. For example she will say something like “I do this, that and the other... I do” “you will have to go there... you will” “this printer doesn’t work... it doesn’t”.

So annoying.

She also asked when she would be able to start manager training last week. (She’s been in the company for less than six months, has had to have her probation period extended because she’s crap and has started on the lowest rung and is now asking when she’ll be trained up to run the office) the assistant manager and I just looked at each other dumbfounded at the brass neck on it! So at least we can look forward to her dropping those hints all day long for the next eternity! “I think I’d enjoy management training... I do”

On the plus side, a new girl has just started in the office and after a couple of days it has become obvious she doesn’t like the office bellcheese either, it’s nice to know others feel the same sort of hatred for her.


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If she uses a Yoda voice whilst uttering those sentences, then it is just the approach of May the fourth that is doing it, she is not the bellcheese you are looking for, she can go on her way.