Bell Cheeses at work

[happypig]

I had a call this morning, about 05:50 (I'm on nights, not a work-phone-wanker*) from a scotch colleague wanting some info. I told him that he would have to email the request as he is supposed to, as I was stuck right into a very knotty problem. He says "But I need it for my 6AM report".


*work-phone-wankers are the people that have no reason to respond out of hours but do so to look keen.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Just had a meeting invite (from a ‘senior business analyst’ in ‘change/transformation’......so you know what’s coming [emoji23][emoji23])

Oi!! You have seen my LinkedIn profile have you not

***** Methodology, Roadmap and Operating Model to allow us to start considering the implications and what activities need to be considered so we can compile lower level User Stories to allow us to begin to define sprints for completion’

It means he's got a project to start but has no idea how to run it, when it should finish or what the requirements are. That will be £1200 please.

 

[AmexRuislip]

I had a call this morning, about 05:50 (I'm on nights, not a work-phone-wanker*) from a scotch colleague wanting some info. I told him that he would have to email the request as he is supposed to, as I was stuck right into a very knotty problem. He says "But I need it for my 6AM report".


*work-phone-wankers are the people that have no reason to respond out of hours but do so to look keen.

I had similar, where I was woken up, from sleeping off nights, hour after finishing work.
I put an hour's overtime for that.

 

[dazzer6666]

Oi!! You have seen my LinkedIn profile have you not



It means he's got a project to start but has no idea how to run it, when it should finish or what the requirements are. That will be £1200 please.

....is the correct answer. The good news is we don’t need their ‘support’ (interference), so I’ve told her (it’s definitely a her this time, not that it matters) to do one and leave us alone [emoji16]

 

[Iggle Piggle]

Had a good one today. One of our clients sent a sarky message to one of our PM’s saying ‘The engineer turned up, played with the equipment for 2 hours and left with the equipment still locked up. A job well done all round’

Dopey bollox then sends the e-mail onto the entire support team saying ‘Well done lads, the customer has said we’ve done a good job’

I then had to point out that the equipment being locked up and unusable was actually a ‘bad’ thing. He was obviously not taught Irony as part of his degree.

 

[DerekZoolander]

'Peel away the layers of the onion' or words to that effect has got to be some serious bullshit corporate hasn't it?

Worst of all it was spoken by a chap who works in the same building as myself who I actually quite like, but now I just feel dirty that I got on with him and need to cease ties immediately.

 

[Albalbion]

Our office bellcheese has just spent the last ten minutes telling me piece by piece what she’s going to have for lunch including calorific value and fat content followed by an enthralling tale about how she fancies some personal trainer at the gym : why do people not realise when they’re talking AT someone and not WITH them? I managed to cut short her showing me his instagram videos by pointing out that he looks like a div and commenting that he looks like he takes steroids. It seems to have shut her up for a while and it’s ABSOLUTE bliss.


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[Badger]

It's International Women's Day, in case you hadn't been made aware. The HR women have decided this requires much celebration. They've put up a framed poster of all the women in our office right next the main entrance, congratulating all the amazing women who work here. There's now a women-only meeting in the boardroom. From what I can gather they've ordered in lunch and booze, and a couple of them are giving inspirational talks. They also seem to have all brought in plants.

 

[Guinness Boy]

It's International Women's Day, in case you hadn't been made aware. The HR women have decided this requires much celebration. They've put up a framed poster of all the women in our office right next the main entrance, congratulating all the amazing women who work here. There's now a women-only meeting in the boardroom. From what I can gather they've ordered in lunch and booze, and a couple of them are giving inspirational talks. They also seem to have all brought in plants.

Apparently a similar thing happened at our gaff, only without pot plants and booze. Luckily I have been on site all day getting my a**e kicked because the useless Australian development manager, who's still not been reassigned, sent out a release note written using only his febrile imagination and a pointy stick and the even more useless client put it live without testing it. ARRRGH.

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

It's International Women's Day, in case you hadn't been made aware. The HR women have decided this requires much celebration. They've put up a framed poster of all the women in our office right next the main entrance, congratulating all the amazing women who work here. There's now a women-only meeting in the boardroom. From what I can gather they've ordered in lunch and booze, and a couple of them are giving inspirational talks. They also seem to have all brought in plants.

That's just reminded me that "Administrative Professional Day" on April 25 is rapidly approaching us in the States. This is when all the useless lumps of lard expect to be inundated with goodies for the unceasing dedication to their jobs which is basically what they are paid to do. Having said that our APs are pretty damn efficient.

 

[Albalbion]

“How often do we do our annual smoke detector testing? Every five years right?”

Any other contenders for stupidest question asked by a bellcheese? Over to you lot!


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[timbha]

Why can’t I have a toaster on my desk?

 

[Albalbion]

Why can’t I have a toaster on my desk?

[emoji23] wonderful


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[happypig]

“How often do we do our annual smoke detector testing? Every five years right?”

Any other contenders for stupidest question asked by a bellcheese? Over to you lot!

Customers:

Customer: "What makes you think it's not an equipment fault ?"
Me: "Our engineer cannot get in to the building as the Fire Brigade are still there. It's burned to the ground."
Customer : "We still think it's an equipment fault"

Me: "We cannot get to the equipment. It's in the basement which is full of floodwater"
Customer: "Are you sure that's the actual problem ?"

 

[Albalbion]

Customers:

Customer: "What makes you think it's not an equipment fault ?"
Me: "Our engineer cannot get in to the building as the Fire Brigade are still there. It's burned to the ground."
Customer : "We still think it's an equipment fault"

Me: "We cannot get to the equipment. It's in the basement which is full of floodwater"
Customer: "Are you sure that's the actual problem ?"

Had a customer come up to me once to ask me if it was raining outside... the window is about three feet closer to him than it his to me...

Had another customer report to me that their sink was blocked and no water was draining at all... (I’m in property maintenance) I go to see the problem.... he’s left the plug in.

We had another one who kept blowing the fuses in his kitchen, this happened about three times and each time I asked him what he was doing at the time, what was running at the time to blow the fuse etc... he said nothing every time it just magically went off. Fourth time it happens I insist on knowing what exactly he was doing at the time the fuse blew.... he was cleaning out his corded kettle, under water, while it was still plugged in [emoji46] could have died! He said it was so that he could make poached eggs.... IN THE KETTLE


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[jonnyrovers]

Why can’t I have a toaster on my desk?

Genius!


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[Norman Potting]

Had a customer come up to me once to ask me if it was raining outside... the window is about three feet closer to him than it his to me...

Had another customer report to me that their sink was blocked and no water was draining at all... (I’m in property maintenance) I go to see the problem.... he’s left the plug in.

We had another one who kept blowing the fuses in his kitchen, this happened about three times and each time I asked him what he was doing at the time, what was running at the time to blow the fuse etc... he said nothing every time it just magically went off. Fourth time it happens I insist on knowing what exactly he was doing at the time the fuse blew.... he was cleaning out his corded kettle, under water, while it was still plugged in [emoji46] could have died! He said it was so that he could make poached eggs.... IN THE KETTLE


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Sounds like a Darwin award candidate there

 

[jonnyrovers]

Customers:

Customer: "What makes you think it's not an equipment fault ?"
Me: "Our engineer cannot get in to the building as the Fire Brigade are still there. It's burned to the ground."
Customer : "We still think it's an equipment fault"

Me: "We cannot get to the equipment. It's in the basement which is full of floodwater"
Customer: "Are you sure that's the actual problem ?"

My hospital (in Tunbridge Wells) cancelled all non-elective operations during the severe weather last week.

Patient: Why has my operation been cancelled?
Me: Because the hospital can't provide safe care to you. Many staff are unable to make it to work because of the snow.
Patient: I've been outside. Its not snowing.
Me: It is snowing.
Patient: No it's not.
Me: Where do you live?
Patient: Weymouth.

 

[A1X]

Some absolute weapons-grade "Reply All" bell-cheesery going on in the office this morning.

Essentially, some outsourced people in South Africa managed to send an email to an Outlook distribution list which has copied in every single joint / team mailbox in the company. And not just in the UK, but globally. To which now every other team in every other country where we do business is now replying all saying "This isn't the right email" and it's threatening to bring down the entire internal email system.

 

[dazzer6666]

Some absolute weapons-grade "Reply All" bell-cheesery going on in the office this morning.

Essentially, some outsourced people in South Africa managed to send an email to an Outlook distribution list which has copied in every single joint / team mailbox in the company. And not just in the UK, but globally. To which now every other team in every other country where we do business is now replying all saying "This isn't the right email" and it's threatening to bring down the entire internal email system.

Are people 'replying all' asking everyone to 'stop replying all' yet ?