Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

I used to sit next to one of these*. She'd even read them aloud as she was typing them.



*Obviously she was a CHUBSTER in her 40s.

With a FITBIT and always commenting about how many STEPS she'd done today (whilst munching her way through a family-sized bag of Maltesers for breakfast, obviously)

 

[hans kraay fan club]

maybe they ate him

Not yet! Though the greedy cow would try, if I was wrapped in something noisy.

I've been most remiss, so apologies.

The latest from here, is that I've come to an uneasy acceptance of Noise Machine, simply because Crisps is so, so unbelievably inept, that I really do have to rely on the other one to get anything done.

Crisps is still a grade A annoyance, though its now a bit of a misnomer, as she doesn't seem to eat crisps anymore. The chap who refills the charity food box, is beside himself. Instead it is a constant (and I genuinely mean CONSTANT, in its true dictionary meaning) procession of yoghurts (scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, etc), cup-a-soups (incessant chink / scrape of teaspoon on mug), and grapes. Now you'd think that grapes would be okay, wouldn't you? Are they ****. No BOWL for this ****. The grapes MUST be retained in their crinkly plastic punnet, still slid into its rustly plastic wrapper. And must be removed as noisily as possible one at a time. One every thirty seconds. All day. Every day.

She's also taken to wearing a single large bangle, that clacks against her desk as she types. I'd start to think she did this stuff on purpose, if she wasn't too downright THICK to think of it.

Anyway, we've a fair bit of snow today, so obviously neither could get in. Its been brilliant. Possibly my favourite day at work EVER.

 

[Badger]

With a FITBIT and always commenting about how many STEPS she'd done today (whilst munching her way through a family-sized bag of Maltesers for breakfast, obviously)

I think it was before the Fitbit craze really took off. I'm almost certain she has one now. She'd DEFINITELY eat a family-sized bag of Maltesers for breakfast though. With a Diet Coke of course.

 

[pearl]

Not yet! Though the greedy cow would try, if I was wrapped in something noisy.

I've been most remiss, so apologies.

The latest from here, is that I've come to an uneasy acceptance of Noise Machine, simply because Crisps is so, so unbelievably inept, that I really do have to rely on the other one to get anything done.

Crisps is still a grade A annoyance, though its now a bit of a misnomer, as she doesn't seem to eat crisps anymore. The chap who refills the charity food box, is beside himself. Instead it is a constant (and I genuinely mean CONSTANT, in its true dictionary meaning) procession of yoghurts (scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, etc), cup-a-soups (incessant chink / scrape of teaspoon on mug), and grapes. Now you'd think that grapes would be okay, wouldn't you? Are they ****. No BOWL for this ****. The grapes MUST be retained in their crinkly plastic punnet, still slid into its rustly plastic wrapper. And must be removed as noisily as possible one at a time. One every thirty seconds. All day. Every day.

She's also taken to wearing a single large bangle, that clacks against her desk as she types. I'd start to think she did this stuff on purpose, if she wasn't too downright THICK to think of it.

Anyway, we've a fair bit of snow today, so obviously neither could get in. Its been brilliant. Possibly my favourite day at work EVER.

maybe suggest a plastic ban?

 

[Birdie Boy]

I had been looking forward to today all week not only because it’s Friday but because Bellcheese would not be in today as she has training in London today. So imagine my HORROR when she walked through the door at half nine this morning claiming she couldn’t get on the train to London because it was too full so she’s decided to just bin it off. I’m not sure if that is the real reason though, it may have more to do with the email she sent to both other people in the office today and also the text to security staff to “please keep a look out for my parcel It will be in my name it (sic) the new awesome iPhone 8”. When I read that I rolled my eyes so hard I swear I caught a glimpse of my spine.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

First, she is over paid and stupid because she has bought an iPhone.

Second, I would deduct the cost of the training course from her wages.

Third, I would sack her for clearly missing training to pick up a bloody iPhone.
[emoji16]

 

[Badger]

Not yet! Though the greedy cow would try, if I was wrapped in something noisy.

I've been most remiss, so apologies.

The latest from here, is that I've come to an uneasy acceptance of Noise Machine, simply because Crisps is so, so unbelievably inept, that I really do have to rely on the other one to get anything done.

Crisps is still a grade A annoyance, though its now a bit of a misnomer, as she doesn't seem to eat crisps anymore. The chap who refills the charity food box, is beside himself. Instead it is a constant (and I genuinely mean CONSTANT, in its true dictionary meaning) procession of yoghurts (scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, etc), cup-a-soups (incessant chink / scrape of teaspoon on mug), and grapes. Now you'd think that grapes would be okay, wouldn't you? Are they ****. No BOWL for this ****. The grapes MUST be retained in their crinkly plastic punnet, still slid into its rustly plastic wrapper. And must be removed as noisily as possible one at a time. One every thirty seconds. All day. Every day.

She's also taken to wearing a single large bangle, that clacks against her desk as she types. I'd start to think she did this stuff on purpose, if she wasn't too downright THICK to think of it.

Anyway, we've a fair bit of snow today, so obviously neither could get in. Its been brilliant. Possibly my favourite day at work EVER.

Imagine sitting in front of her in the cinema.

 

[Iggle Piggle]

So, Friday was the last day of one of our colleagues and as is tradition, a visit to the pub was in order. As we've both been around the company for years, conversation turned to some of the 'characters' we've worked with. I thought this was the ideal place to share it :

1. Staying overnight in Manchester my phone rang and it was Walshey on the other end of the phone 'Have a look out the window, can you see me' There he was waving opposite me in his room 'wait there, watch this' As I stood waiting for what seemed an age the window opens - or should I say breaks off it hinges - before a kettle and then the contents of the tray it was presumably sat on were launched out of it. I'd forgotten about Walshey. He'd left the company years ago for a dream job he told everyone about or so i thought. Someone then piped up that he'd actually been sacked, that was a cover story and he had spent time in the company of her majesty instead. There was no absolutely no surprise at this point on my part. I'd seen him pack drinking and fighting in a lunch hour that some people don't manage in a lifetime.

2. We were updated on one of our colleagues who was Paul Gascoigne style mad. He had autographed pictures of famous people on his desk - signed by himself - and he used to carry around a knitted horse cock cover around that made a nieghing sound. Since leaving he has been banned from all the local libraries for watching porn on the PCS in them and then going to the bog to bash one out.

3. I've not even got onto the colleague who is in touch with the spirit world, knows the exact date he will die and has slept with some of the ugliest women known to man, one of which he fell asleep with whilst his head was 'downstairs'

Names and location changed obvs. As you can imagine, Our extensive redundancy programme didn't have to look far when it started.

 

[AmexRuislip]

With a FITBIT and always commenting about how many STEPS she'd done today (whilst munching her way through a family-sized bag of Maltesers for breakfast, obviously)

Could suggest she blows the Maltesers around the carriage with a straw for exercise!

 

[Bodian]

So, Friday was the last day of one of our colleagues and as is tradition, a visit to the pub was in order. As we've both been around the company for years, conversation turned to some of the 'characters' we've worked with. I thought this was the ideal place to share it :

1. Staying overnight in Manchester my phone rang and it was Walshey on the other end of the phone 'Have a look out the window, can you see me' There he was waving opposite me in his room 'wait there, watch this' As I stood waiting for what seemed an age the window opens - or should I say breaks off it hinges - before a kettle and then the contents of the tray it was presumably sat on were launched out of it. I'd forgotten about Walshey. He'd left the company years ago for a dream job he told everyone about or so i thought. Someone then piped up that he'd actually been sacked, that was a cover story and he had spent time in the company of her majesty instead. There was no absolutely no surprise at this point on my part. I'd seen him pack drinking and fighting in a lunch hour that some people don't manage in a lifetime.

2. We were updated on one of our colleagues who was Paul Gascoigne style mad. He had autographed pictures of famous people on his desk - signed by himself - and he used to carry around a knitted horse cock cover around that made a nieghing sound. Since leaving he has been banned from all the local libraries for watching porn on the PCS in them and then going to the bog to bash one out.

3. I've not even got onto the colleague who is in touch with the spirit world, knows the exact date he will die and has slept with some of the ugliest women known to man, one of which he fell asleep with whilst his head was 'downstairs'

Names and location changed obvs. As you can imagine, Our extensive redundancy programme didn't have to look far when it started.

Fabulous. Although I would dispute that any of this is Bellcheesery - these are just the sort of people you want in office life to cheer it all up!

 

[happypig]

Fabulous. Although I would dispute that any of this is Bellcheesery - these are just the sort of people you want in office life to cheer it all up!

Agreed. When i worked in Exeter there was a bloke who used to set up the PCs. One day from his desk came the shout "I'VE F*CKING HAD IT WITH YOU, YOU *******". He proceeded to kick a monitor across the entire office, every kick being accompanied by the words "C**T" , "BAST*RD" etc. got to the full length equipment loading doors (we were on the first floor), opened them, and kicked the monitor out.
He went back to his desk like nothing had happened.

 

[Baldseagull]

But other people working in Agile development will know what I mean (and I didn't mention, Epics, Stories or t-shirt sizing), it's not bollocks at all, just modern terminology.


Oh my God. I AM the office bellcheese aren't I?

Yes, yes you are.

 

[bn1&bn3 Albion]

Agreed. When i worked in Exeter there was a bloke who used to set up the PCs. One day from his desk came the shout "I'VE F*CKING HAD IT WITH YOU, YOU *******". He proceeded to kick a monitor across the entire office, every kick being accompanied by the words "C**T" , "BAST*RD" etc. got to the full length equipment loading doors (we were on the first floor), opened them, and kicked the monitor out.
He went back to his desk like nothing had happened.

Wonderful....

 

[spring hall convert]

When someone comes in after they've been off sick and talks about it for an hour and a half, they weren't sick were they?

 

[pearl]

When someone comes in after they've been off sick and talks about it for an hour and a half, they weren't sick were they?

how pleasant for you!

 

[dazzer6666]

Just had a meeting invite (from a ‘senior business analyst’ in ‘change/transformation’......so you know what’s coming [emoji23][emoji23])

‘We would be grateful for your time to continue discussions on the **** activities for data alignment on lower level items including the following:

***** Methodology, Roadmap and Operating Model to allow us to start considering the implications and what activities need to be considered so we can compile lower level User Stories to allow us to begin to define sprints for completion’

Nope, sorry. Don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about, what you want, what your objectives are or what problem you are trying to solve or why you’re interfering in my function. Declined. For ever.

 

[Baldseagull]

Just had a meeting invite (from a ‘senior business analyst’ in ‘change/transformation’......so you know what’s coming [emoji23][emoji23])

‘We would be grateful for your time to continue discussions on the **** activities for data alignment on lower level items including the following:

***** Methodology, Roadmap and Operating Model to allow us to start considering the implications and what activities need to be considered so we can compile lower level User Stories to allow us to begin to define sprints for completion’

Nope, sorry. Don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about, what you want, what your objectives are or what problem you are trying to solve or why you’re interfering in my function. Declined. For ever.

A lower level User Story I think is a slightly sad tale about Drug abuse? I have never sprinted to completion, running would just make it more difficult, surely?

 

[A1X]

Conference call this morning, 35-40 people on it. All but one are connected using Microsoft Lync, this one dialling in instead because "I can't cope with this new technology" which involves clicking a button and having a headset which they already have plugged in. Anyway, a slidedeck is being presented and the one person who dialled in starts complaining about them sharing it without them being able to see on the basis "you can't expect everyone to connect to see it".

The invite clearly said there would be a presentation. I'd love to know how they expected to see it over a phone line.

 

[Badger]

Just had a meeting invite (from a ‘senior business analyst’ in ‘change/transformation’......so you know what’s coming [emoji23][emoji23])

‘We would be grateful for your time to continue discussions on the **** activities for data alignment on lower level items including the following:

***** Methodology, Roadmap and Operating Model to allow us to start considering the implications and what activities need to be considered so we can compile lower level User Stories to allow us to begin to define sprints for completion’

Nope, sorry. Don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about, what you want, what your objectives are or what problem you are trying to solve or why you’re interfering in my function. Declined. For ever.

It's a shame Google translate doesn't let you translate from Business Bullshit to English. There's definitely a gap in the market.

 

[happypig]

Just had a meeting invite (from a ‘senior business analyst’ in ‘change/transformation’......so you know what’s coming [emoji23][emoji23])

‘We would be grateful for your time to continue discussions on the **** activities for data alignment on lower level items including the following:

***** Methodology, Roadmap and Operating Model to allow us to start considering the implications and what activities need to be considered so we can compile lower level User Stories to allow us to begin to define sprints for completion’

Nope, sorry. Don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about, what you want, what your objectives are or what problem you are trying to solve or why you’re interfering in my function. Declined. For ever.

Has he sent you his application for The Apprentice by mistake ? It sounds just the sort of meaningless bollocks they spew out.

 

[timbha]

When someone comes in after they've been off sick and talks about it for an hour and a half, they weren't sick were they?

And they leave a pack of nurofen on their desk to show that “I’m still not right but so much better than I was”