Bell Cheeses at work

[yxee]

This led to one of the overweight members astutely observing 'where we can see 6 colours, remember a cat can see 40'. Told them I wasn't feeling well so went back to the hotel.

That is a quality piece of nonsense.

 

[McTavish]

Not sure if this is technically Bell-Cheesery but a person in my office is completely unable to answer a direct question directly and it is slowly sending me mad.
Example:
Me: Has the new Large Hadron Collider been delivered yet?
Colleague: Well, I phoned them a week ago and I spoke to someone who wasn't really the right person to speak to so they put me through to another person who wasn't sure either so they asked me to phone back later. When I phoned back I found out that the person who I should be speaking to has been off sick for a week but should...
Me: Great, but has it been delivered?
C: Well, because the person who I should have been talking to had been off sick they weren't sure who else could help. A few years ago when we had the same problem I called another person and they were really helpful, I would have called them again but I couldn't remember their name so I tried to call the person who was off sick hoping that they were back but it turns out that they weren't sick at all they had run off with the man who used to be our Higgs Boson contact - do you remember him, he had a tatoo of a labradoodle on his bicep - and so she wasn't...
Me: Has It Been Delivered?
C: Well, eventually I got through to a new person and at first she seemd to think that it would be delivered next Thursday but it turns out that she was thinking of someone else's Small Hadron Collider and we haven't had one of those since 2007 because I was told that it didn't really perform as well as we had been hoping and so we changed to only taking the Large ones although I seem to remember that we may have had a Small as a back-up shortly after the Black Hole Incident and even then...
Me: HAS IT BEEN DELIVERED!!!!
C: I'm not sure.

 

[GoldWithFalmer]

That is a quality piece of nonsense.

Yeah......."Remember a cat can see 40"

Did we even know it in the first place,besides how the hell do they know its not 39 or 44..

 

[beorhthelm]

what is this thing about gobbing in the toilet? this isnt oiks, but middle aged analysts and managers that feel the need to have a little spit as they urinate. its almost a fashion thing, i seem to be noticing more and more of it. weird and unnecessary.

 

[AmexRuislip]

what is this thing about gobbing in the toilet? this isnt oiks, but middle aged analysts and managers that feel the need to have a little spit as they urinate. its almost a fashion thing, i seem to be noticing more and more of it. weird and unnecessary.

Kids seem to be doing this more and more these days, it's disgusting and degrading.
They see footballers on tv / live doing it, so must be okay!
I guess if white collar workers are spitting whilst urinating, must be their inner rebel coming to the fore.
Either that or they're just ignorant.

 

[dazzer6666]

what is this thing about gobbing in the toilet? this isnt oiks, but middle aged analysts and managers that feel the need to have a little spit as they urinate. its almost a fashion thing, i seem to be noticing more and more of it. weird and unnecessary.

Almost as bad as the seemingly ritual guttural nose/throat clearing blokes do in the shower......(or at least on those in the gym at work)......disgusting.......

 

[spring hall convert]

It has been known that on the odd occasion, I may have come to work a little 'tired and emotional' from over indulging the night before.

My normal response to this state of affairs is drink coffee and water, keep my head down and try and get through the day with the minimum of communication.

The chap who sits next to me also from time to time comes to work in the same state and proceeds to talk to me all day despite the fact that I have headphones in and am doing my best impression of a person working (really I'm listening to the cricket and am on here.)

If there's one thing I resent more than having to talk bullshit small talk with people at work, it's doing it when they're pissed.

 

[Bigtomfu]

what is this thing about gobbing in the toilet? this isnt oiks, but middle aged analysts and managers that feel the need to have a little spit as they urinate. its almost a fashion thing, i seem to be noticing more and more of it. weird and unnecessary.

Sorry to be a kill joy but where would you like them to do it? On your screen, or perhaps the floor besides you as they walk past?

Maybe it's only acceptable if they have a phlegmy cold and don't want to swallow their loogies?! *shrug*

 

[Paul Reids Sock]

You need to make up your own CD of nice christmas songs and play that. A search of Youtube for "Death Metal Christmas" throws up stuff like :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRgMk2v-n1Y

Legend - that is a great idea.

I will try and get them to play 'The Night Santa Went Crazy' by Weird Al as well. Nice song all about him going mad and killing the reindeer and elves

 

[MattBackHome]

This discussion was only halted by the sight of a RAINBOW. Never seen such a commotion. If you'd stood outside the building you would have thought you were hillsborough with all the iPhones out.

This led to one of the overweight members astutely observing 'where we can see 6 colours, remember a cat can see 40'. Told them I wasn't feeling well so went back to the hotel.

Wonderful stuff.

 

[beorhthelm]

Sorry to be a kill joy but where would you like them to do it? On your screen, or perhaps the floor besides you as they walk past?

Maybe it's only acceptable if they have a phlegmy cold and don't want to swallow their loogies?! *shrug*

i would accept a phlemgy discharge. im taking about a inconsequential spittle, and i wouldnt expect them to do it anywhere in the office environment.

 

[Badger]

what is this thing about gobbing in the toilet? this isnt oiks, but middle aged analysts and managers that feel the need to have a little spit as they urinate. its almost a fashion thing, i seem to be noticing more and more of it. weird and unnecessary.

I don't have an issue with blokes gobbing in the urinal, I've done it myself a few times. It's the ritual guttural nose/throat clearing that [MENTION=27279]dazzer6666[/MENTION] mentions which can be particularly irritating and unnecessary.

I'm sure we could have a whole separate thread on work bogs. We share facilities with a couple of other companies on our floor. It's 9.52 here, which of course is PEAK DUMP time, but I'll have to give it another 30 minutes because there are only THREE cubicles to share between about 150 blokes. What makes this more annoying is there is enough space in there to fit at least another 3 cubicles.

One of the companies on our floor appears to be made up of 90% Chinese men. I think I've figured out their hiring strategy. Some of them have some very strange toilet habits, like washing their hands BEFORE taking a piss, what's that all about? Then they often don't wash AFTER. They are also the main culprits for EXTREME gobbing, and they normally do this in the sink rather than the urinal.

 

[Guinness Boy]

I don't have an issue with blokes gobbing in the urinal, I've done it myself a few times. It's the ritual guttural nose/throat clearing that [MENTION=27279]dazzer6666[/MENTION] mentions which can be particularly irritating and unnecessary.

I'm sure we could have a whole separate thread on work bogs. We share facilities with a couple of other companies on our floor. It's 9.52 here, which of course is PEAK DUMP time, but I'll have to give it another 30 minutes because there are only THREE cubicles to share between about 150 blokes. What makes this more annoying is there is enough space in there to fit at least another 3 cubicles.

One of the companies on our floor appears to be made up of 90% Chinese men. I think I've figured out their hiring strategy. Some of them have some very strange toilet habits, like washing their hands BEFORE taking a piss, what's that all about? Then they often don't wash AFTER. They are also the main culprits for EXTREME gobbing, and they normally do this in the sink rather than the urinal.

My own bugbear in offices where there is more than one company and multiple Kermits is the person who always goes to a floor other than their own when they have some particularly rancid RUSTY GRAVY to dispense. My company's old offices in the East End had a classic offender. I never even found out which floor he was supposed to work on, or for whom, but he'd appear on the 4th floor landing about once a week. He didn't work for us and we had the whole 4th floor. For half an hour or more afterwards it would smell like someone had tried to melt trap 1 using an especially brutal mixture of rotten sprouts, stomach acid, curry and cat sick.

 

[Badger]

My own bugbear in offices where there is more than one company and multiple Kermits is the person who always goes to a floor other than their own when they have some particularly rancid RUSTY GRAVY to dispense. My company's old offices in the East End had a classic offender. I never even found out which floor he was supposed to work on, or for whom, but he'd appear on the 4th floor landing about once a week. He didn't work for us and we had the whole 4th floor. For half an hour or more afterwards it would smell like someone had tried to melt trap 1 using an especially brutal mixture of rotten sprouts, stomach acid, curry and cat sick.

Oh yes that's a classic tactic. I once worked in a Brighton office where each floor had a CODE to get into the toilet. I asked a colleague why this was and apparently they had issues with some BELLCHEESES from the telemarketing company on the 7th floor using bogs on other floors and leaving a disgraceful mess. Not just doing smelly turds, but blocking toilets, and getting crap all over the seats.

I just went to try and DEPOSIT my morning dump. First toilet, one cubicle, obviously full. On my way to the second toilet at the end of the hall, with a generous TWO cubicles, and a bloke from another office steps into the hallway just in front of me. I just KNEW he was heading for the toilet, and sure enough he took the last free cubicle. I'll have to try again in 15 minutes.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Oh yes that's a classic tactic. I once worked in a Brighton office where each floor had a CODE to get into the toilet. I asked a colleague why this was and apparently they had issues with some BELLCHEESES from the telemarketing company on the 7th floor using bogs on other floors and leaving a disgraceful mess. Not just doing smelly turds, but blocking toilets, and getting crap all over the seats.

I just went to try and DEPOSIT my morning dump. First toilet, one cubicle, obviously full. On my way to the second toilet at the end of the hall, with a generous TWO cubicles, and a bloke from another office steps into the hallway just in front of me. I just KNEW he was heading for the toilet, and sure enough he took the last free cubicle. I'll have to try again in 15 minutes.

Bummer. That's reminded me of another rule. NEVER follow someone from your own department in to the loos (unless you're about to shit yourself, obviously). Always have an exit strategy, be it a lift, staircase or the old "drat, I've forgotten my pen and pad for that meeting" routine.

 

[Igzilla]

My own bugbear in offices where there is more than one company and multiple Kermits is the person who always goes to a floor other than their own when they have some particularly rancid RUSTY GRAVY to dispense. My company's old offices in the East End had a classic offender. I never even found out which floor he was supposed to work on, or for whom, but he'd appear on the 4th floor landing about once a week. He didn't work for us and we had the whole 4th floor. For half an hour or more afterwards it would smell like someone had tried to melt trap 1 using an especially brutal mixture of rotten sprouts, stomach acid, curry and cat sick.

My bugbear, and this is witnessed most mornings when I come into the office, is the bellcheese who uses a entire roll of toilet paper, consequently blocking the bog. I simply don't understand why anyone thinks this is an acceptable thing to do. Ditto the bellcheeses who piss all over the seat and don't clean it up, FFS!

 

[dazzer6666]

In our London office there are a few guys who must suffer from some kind if dump-related paranoia. Every day, there is a length of bog roll hung from the top door hinge to cover the gap (about an eighth of an inch maybe) between the door and the frame in most of the cubicles. Why FFS I really am not planning on spying on you doing your thing....weird.

 

[bn1&bn3 Albion]

Oh yes that's a classic tactic. I once worked in a Brighton office where each floor had a CODE to get into the toilet. I asked a colleague why this was and apparently they had issues with some BELLCHEESES from the telemarketing company on the 7th floor using bogs on other floors and leaving a disgraceful mess. Not just doing smelly turds, but blocking toilets, and getting crap all over the seats.

I just went to try and DEPOSIT my morning dump. First toilet, one cubicle, obviously full. On my way to the second toilet at the end of the hall, with a generous TWO cubicles, and a bloke from another office steps into the hallway just in front of me. I just KNEW he was heading for the toilet, and sure enough he took the last free cubicle. I'll have to try again in 15 minutes.

We have 2/3 security guards working at my job, no matter what time of the day I go into the toilet I can almost guarantee one of them will be in there... I swear they just get paid to sh*t..

 

[The Clamp]

I don't have an issue with blokes gobbing in the urinal, I've done it myself a few times. It's the ritual guttural nose/throat clearing that [MENTION=27279]dazzer6666[/MENTION] mentions which can be particularly irritating and unnecessary.

I'm sure we could have a whole separate thread on work bogs. We share facilities with a couple of other companies on our floor. It's 9.52 here, which of course is PEAK DUMP time, but I'll have to give it another 30 minutes because there are only THREE cubicles to share between about 150 blokes. What makes this more annoying is there is enough space in there to fit at least another 3 cubicles.

One of the companies on our floor appears to be made up of 90% Chinese men. I think I've figured out their hiring strategy. Some of them have some very strange toilet habits, like washing their hands BEFORE taking a piss, what's that all about? Then they often don't wash AFTER. They are also the main culprits for EXTREME gobbing, and they normally do this in the sink rather than the urinal.

There is generally mote bacteria on your hands than your knob. Actually makes sense to wash your hands before you touch your slug. But do it after too. Let's all be safe out there.

 

[Guinness Boy]

There is generally mote bacteria on your hands than your knob. Actually makes sense to wash your hands before you touch your slug. But do it after too. Let's all be safe out there.

I take it you don't watch games from the West Upper, where the washing of any body part at any time in the sink in the gents is regarded as the action of an effete, Guardian reading, JCL, hygiene obsessed, modern-football-loving nancy boy.