Bell Cheeses at work

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Thanks for the recommendation, my learned medical guru. (Taps nose). A nod's as good as a wink to a blind cardiac patient, know what I mean squire? I'll give it a go then and get back to you for your peer-reviewed article on cardiac placebos. You will not be charged for this helpful research project, consider it a donation to science.

I love the little dancing banana you put at the end. If you'll pardon the expression . . . .

Hope all's well It's been a long time since that long afternoon in the Florence Nightengale . . . . followed by a day in the ICU . . . .

Do get in touch when you're next over. The RSJ is still serving up top nosh

 

[happypig]

Bravo this is a TOP DRAWER post for this thread.

Those online tests are ridiculous. To his credit, my boss takes screen grabs of the answers and sends them to the rest of the team. This morning I have received an email from HR entitled "AODA and Customer Service Standards Training". We work in a private office and have to read up on how to provide facilities for disabled customers. Thankfully the test is optional and we just have to sign a page saying we've "read it."

When the online courses were in thier infancy, ours would give you a certificate of completion which the boss wanted printing out and giving to him as proof. I realised that they were plain html files so every time a new course appeared I would do it (using the guess/repeat method of course) then save the html file, edit/print it 20 times and put the copies in peoples pigeon holes.
Went swimmingly until the tier 2 beat me to the printer one day...

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

When the online courses were in thier infancy, ours would give you a certificate of completion which the boss wanted printing out and giving to him as proof. I realised that they were plain html files so every time a new course appeared I would do it (using the guess/repeat method of course) then save the html file, edit/print it 20 times and put the copies in peoples pigeon holes.
Went swimmingly until the tier 2 beat me to the printer one day...

I had my appraisal recently. Given that the main Inquisitor is a busy cardiologist, I made up some objectives for next year by cutting and pasting some from last year. If he were to have happened to notice I would have blamed it on a clerical error ('bloody vicars' etc).
















He didn't notice

 

[happypig]

On the subject of printers....

We had an indian lad working for us on the night team (lets call him Jimmy) and one night there was just him in the office. One of his mates had sent him an email containing some "fruity" pictures and, for reasons known only to him he decided to print them out so he hit "Print" and toddled off to the (network) printer. The printer was showing an error so he though no more of it and gave up.
Next day a woman on another team comes in, tries to print something, goes to printer and sees the error. she realises it means it needs a new toner thingy, bungs one it, hits reset and out comes all Jimmy's pictures.
He was lucky to keep his job (his manager immediately gave him a written warning which hugely pissed HR off because they wanted to dismiss but couldn't because the manager had already acted)

 

[Bodian]

"In about a year we're going to be less shit than we are right now".

......but because we've written what we're aiming to achieve in such gobbledegook, no-one will actually be able to tell whether we are less shit or not. So we'll say we're better, even if we're not, and pat ourselves on the back. And take our bonus.

 

[Bodian]

I am regularly asked to take online training courses in 'how to avoid threats in the workplace' etc (by 'threats' they mean sharp edges on the corners of desks, etc). The hard way is read all 70 pages of the training then take the test. If you fail you have to take it again and again. The easy way is just take the test, guessing, then note which answers you got wrong and redo the test. It takes 15 minutes. I did it once on my laptop while waiting in LAX airport. Some of my colleagues, however, do it the hard way. It takes many hours . . . .

We've all just had to do an on-line safe / efficient driving course. What a load of nonsense. As you say, if you've sussed the easy way to do it, it's relatively quick - but we have 200 staff, most of whom took 90 minutes to do this course (all at the taxpayer's expense obviously). Why we had to do it, I don't know - no-one in our place has been in a work related car accident since I've been there (15 years), and it's made not a jot of difference. One of the topics was about reverse parking, and how much safer it is. I look out the window now, and about 10% of the cars in our car park have been reverse parked. So - what was the point?

We've now moved on to something called 'Telematics'. This is something in our cars that is calibrated to measure 'safety incidents' such as excessive braking, 'low level left hand turn incidents', and so on. You get a grand score out of 100, and have to discuss your latest scores with your manager at the 1:1. No-one knows what a 'low-level left hand turn incident' is - so how we're meant to 'improve' we have no idea. I pointed out to my manager that simply measuring whether I had put my braked suddenly to avoid a tourist who wasn't looking where they were going was a bad way to judge 'safety'. I tongue-in-cheekily asked him why it didn't record all the red lights I had jumped and cyclists I had forced into the gutter - worryingly he seemed to think I was being serious.

The ridiculousness of it all is that he is an awful driver himself. Him telling us to think about safe driving is like being instructed by an arsonist on how to avoid fires....

 

[Igzilla]

Know about an incident (not in my current firm) where a member of staff was detailed to take an online compliance course and test for all 600 staff in a department...........

After nearly six years, I'm finally coming to the end of my gravy train with online courses. In my company you are encouraged (but it's not mandatory) to take a series of Supply Chain exams (around which a whole industry has been constructed of training courses, books, videos etc etc). However, you have to take them at a test centre, and each exam is allocated 3hrs (lol!). So, happy days. It's two days off work (they allow you a "study" day), as I have to drive to the testing centre (not the nearest one, obviously) so can claim ot's taking 5 - 6 hours of my day, bash through the exam in under an hour (if it's raining, I might take a little longer), hope I fail (so I can retake) and then claim £60 expenses for the joy of it all. I now down to the last one, so debating whether to actually look at the study notes, or whether I can string it out like I did with exam #3 (6 attempts)...

 

[Staly]

I was sent the following email a few days ago, after I'd told somebody that the new process that they'd designed for overseas recruitment was illegal:

"Biomimicry

An Organisation Learns A Lesson From An Organism

[Here was a picture of an amoeba, which I unfortunately can't replicate]

The Organism

A cell functions as a unit, each part interacting on behalf of the whole entity, no part acts independently without adverse consequences, therefore mechanisms exist that constantly relay the status and actions of each component to the rest of the organisms which in turn stimulates a response from selective components within the cell thus optimising the organisms viability and efficiency.

The Organisation

When an individual or team create and implement a solution or idea that will significantly affect other individuals or departments then implements that solution or idea without providing the opportunity for those individuals that will be affected, to appraise and feedback before the implementation, the outcome will usually have a greater probability of being less effective. Any strategy can be validated or optimised, and the logical time to ‘stress test’ an idea is before its full implementation, therefore reasonable consultation before significant change IS simply good practice; regardless of the status or I.Q. of the individual or lead team.

I love working in xxxxx and I’m passionate about our organisation, therefore I’m disappointed and frustrated when we fail to harness the incredible resources that lay within every employee across our entire workforce, and good communication is key if we are to maximise the potential of this wonderful institution.

A multitude of way already exist that connect our neural network; StaffNet, DSE Communications, eUpdate, Beeline, Intranets, social media, email distribution lists, email, and my personal favourite. . . physically meeting and talking with people.

So, from today, I am calling upon ever member of staff within our organisation, especially those with any managerial responsibility in any capacity to do two things;

1) Fully embrace the organisational lesson we can learn from single celled organisms and always carry out a 360 degree communication and consultation, especially with those who will be directly affected, before implementing any idea that significantly impacts those individuals or departments. The xxxxxxxxxxxxxx is ONE team, and we are at our best when we function that way. Consultation can be done very quickly and concluded within a few hours/days or weeks, just filter out the ‘white noise’ that may be generated, then isolate the strongest harmonics and… hey presto, you’ve just validated your proposed action plan or you now have additional resources to optimise or construct a better idea BEFORE it becomes operational, this is a win/win process, and I suspect that only those afflicted with hubris or a ‘silo mentality’ would object to this concept.

2) Provide me with feedback!!!! ;-)

I have written this email to you because of the way I feel about the process that lead up to the implementation of our current xxxxxxx validation procedures (see email trail below). My complaint is not with the solution (although I don’t like the present solution at all), but with the lack of opportunity I had feedback before the implementation. And my greater concern is that I suspect other parts of our wonderful organisation that I care passionately may well be suffering the same malady, and that is a disappointing and frustrating thought."

 

[Staly]

This picture in fact

 

[dazzer6666]

I was sent the following email a few days ago, after I'd told somebody that the new process that they'd designed for overseas recruitment was illegal:

"Biomimicry

An Organisation Learns A Lesson From An Organism

[Here was a picture of an amoeba, which I unfortunately can't replicate]

The Organism

A cell functions as a unit, each part interacting on behalf of the whole entity, no part acts independently without adverse consequences, therefore mechanisms exist that constantly relay the status and actions of each component to the rest of the organisms which in turn stimulates a response from selective components within the cell thus optimising the organisms viability and efficiency.

The Organisation

When an individual or team create and implement a solution or idea that will significantly affect other individuals or departments then implements that solution or idea without providing the opportunity for those individuals that will be affected, to appraise and feedback before the implementation, the outcome will usually have a greater probability of being less effective. Any strategy can be validated or optimised, and the logical time to ‘stress test’ an idea is before its full implementation, therefore reasonable consultation before significant change IS simply good practice; regardless of the status or I.Q. of the individual or lead team.

I love working in xxxxx and I’m passionate about our organisation, therefore I’m disappointed and frustrated when we fail to harness the incredible resources that lay within every employee across our entire workforce, and good communication is key if we are to maximise the potential of this wonderful institution.

A multitude of way already exist that connect our neural network; StaffNet, DSE Communications, eUpdate, Beeline, Intranets, social media, email distribution lists, email, and my personal favourite. . . physically meeting and talking with people.

So, from today, I am calling upon ever member of staff within our organisation, especially those with any managerial responsibility in any capacity to do two things;

1) Fully embrace the organisational lesson we can learn from single celled organisms and always carry out a 360 degree communication and consultation, especially with those who will be directly affected, before implementing any idea that significantly impacts those individuals or departments. The xxxxxxxxxxxxxx is ONE team, and we are at our best when we function that way. Consultation can be done very quickly and concluded within a few hours/days or weeks, just filter out the ‘white noise’ that may be generated, then isolate the strongest harmonics and… hey presto, you’ve just validated your proposed action plan or you now have additional resources to optimise or construct a better idea BEFORE it becomes operational, this is a win/win process, and I suspect that only those afflicted with hubris or a ‘silo mentality’ would object to this concept.

2) Provide me with feedback!!!! ;-)

I have written this email to you because of the way I feel about the process that lead up to the implementation of our current xxxxxxx validation procedures (see email trail below). My complaint is not with the solution (although I don’t like the present solution at all), but with the lack of opportunity I had feedback before the implementation. And my greater concern is that I suspect other parts of our wonderful organisation that I care passionately may well be suffering the same malady, and that is a disappointing and frustrating thought."

Oh that is fantastic 'Isolate the strongest harmonics'. LOL. Gold medal, award winning Bellcheesery of the highest order. How did you respond ? I'd have gone for 'Yes, all very interesting. But your process is still illegal and we can't do it. Not even for microorganisms' or similar.

 

[Staly]

Oh that is fantastic 'Isolate the strongest harmonics'. LOL. Gold medal, award winning Bellcheesery of the highest order. How did you respond ? I'd have gone for 'Yes, all very interesting. But your process is still illegal and we can't do it. Not even for microorganisms' or similar.

I didn't respond directly to him, but I had a meeting with his line manager to try to sort out a new process, and we spent a happy 40 minutes isolating the harmonics, filtering out the white noise and trying to avoid a silo mentality.

Because the thing is, he sort of has a point, we often don't communicate effectively and the original process was cumbersome and beaurocratic. It's just...

 

[dazzer6666]

I didn't respond directly to him, but I had a meeting with his line manager to try to sort out a new process, and we spent a happy 40 minutes isolating the harmonics, filtering out the white noise and trying to avoid a silo mentality.

Because the thing is, he sort of has a point, we often don't communicate effectively and the original process was cumbersome and beaurocratic. It's just...

Win/Win then

 

[kevo]

Not exactly an uncommon problem but there's an ugly woman who sits behind me at work who talks continuously - and I mean continuously - all day in an extremely loud and irritating accent. She works in sales / marketing so she has to talk to clients on the phone a lot, but even when she's not on the phone she's jabbering away non-stop to colleagues. It really is indescribably annoying and distracting. Sometimes I have to leave my desk simply to get away from the torturous sound of her incessant, droning voice. Other people put their headphones in and turn the music up. I swear one day I'm going to throttle her, but what can you do? I'm fortunately moving desks next week.

 

[SouthCoastOwl]

Nothing to report of the bell cheesery nature.

Our fromage cloche géante has been sent back to the US for being...............well a giant bell cheese. Pretty effective management from the boss.

 

[Brian Fantana]

I'm not sure if the following counts as bellcheesery, or whether I've stumbled into wholly more profoundly sad territory:

On our floor at work at the moment, we've had some really bad plumbing issues with the sinks in the kitchen. As a result, people have been told to avoid pouring any liquids down the sink until the issue is solved. Instead, they've been asked politely to either use the kitchen in the next door department (a short walk through a corridor) or to use the sinks in the toilets (a 10 metre walk from the door of the kitchen). But for some of the utter morons, this simple ask has proved too much. Their solution? Pouring unwanted tea, coffee, soup etc into the drip tray of the water cooler.

Un-ruddy-believable.

 

[MattBackHome]

Stop everything. Someone's BUTTER is MISSING from the FRIDGE.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Stop everything. Someone's BUTTER is MISSING from the FRIDGE.

Oh jeez. A full blown buttergate this early in the week is never a good sign. This sort of thing normally happens when some MAVERICK has an end of week fridge clearout.

 

[Cian]

We had a fully informed total clearout of the fridges over the weekend - bank holiday here. The recriminations have already started - "I work from home every third Friday, you should have known..." "that tupperware box with the bacterial culture that'd make a STI testing lab scared was still cleanable!" etc etc

 

[Shuggie]

I have just written a business case for the implementation of something called "Docusing".

It appears that I added this BHA-inflected neologism to my personal dictionary in Microsoft Word with the inevitable result that every one of the 27 intended references to "Docusign" was misspelt. I duly published it before I left the office this evening.


No doubt someone is already composing a new reply on the San Diego Padres' equivalent of this thread which starts: 'there's this ass-wipe know-it-all Limey in the office (thinks he's swallowed a freakin' dictionary) who has just made an almighty tit of himself ... "

God bless you [MENTION=1416]Ernest[/MENTION]

 

[Worthingite]

I found out a couple of weeks ago that the team I'm going into has the man who holds the Olympic Gold and World Record in utter bell cheesery. We all know him, the part time journo, full time window licker.

Wish me luck.......