1. "Notices go on the board, NOT on the ****ing ceramic tiles"
2. "Well done you, a notice placed at a jaunty angle. **** off"
2. "Well done you, a notice placed at a jaunty angle. **** off"
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Bell Cheeses at work
- Thread starter Iggle Piggle
- Start date
Ninja Elephant
Doctor Elephant
- Feb 16, 2009
- 18,855
Time to resurrect a classic with a little rant which at times may descend into a moan.
I work with some utter cabbages. People with less understanding of their job than Southern Rail senior bosses, people who are basically empty vessels just showing up more often than not (the "sickness" in this team is a laughable disgrace. A minimum of 2 people are off EVERY day, it rotates fairly evenly to be fair.) and then making it up as they go along and blatantly lying when they contradict something they'd done the day before but can't explain what's different one day from the next. The whole structure of this "organisation" is ridiculous, it's idiots being led (if you can call it that) by morons and if there's any independent adjudicating to do, someone who has blagged themselves a career in a job they can't even begin to justify will come in and support what the majority of people believe to be the truth. Without taking a moment to think about what's actually happening, or what the right decision actually would be. Usually, their answer is to recommend flushing an hour or three down the toilet by toiling through a ridiculous spreadsheet compiled to make you think they actually know what they're doing and/or add some value but in actual fact it's just further proof that they really don't have the foggiest idea what they're doing. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to get myself into such a position and a lot of this is just annoyance that my bosses can be so utterly rubbish but be so comfortable with that fact. They must know they daily redefine what ineffective management means and they surely must take a look at themselves when they decree the team is performing badly - but apparently not. Apparently they're either oblivious to their stupidity or they simply don't care. Whichever it is, it's a very frustrating situation to be in at the moment and my frustration is on behalf of the poor sods we're meant to be offering "premium service" to. By taking a week to decide we're not going to take any action even though that decision has no grounds, no justification and no basis in policy. Other than all that, though, I'm motivated in my current role.
I work with some utter cabbages. People with less understanding of their job than Southern Rail senior bosses, people who are basically empty vessels just showing up more often than not (the "sickness" in this team is a laughable disgrace. A minimum of 2 people are off EVERY day, it rotates fairly evenly to be fair.) and then making it up as they go along and blatantly lying when they contradict something they'd done the day before but can't explain what's different one day from the next. The whole structure of this "organisation" is ridiculous, it's idiots being led (if you can call it that) by morons and if there's any independent adjudicating to do, someone who has blagged themselves a career in a job they can't even begin to justify will come in and support what the majority of people believe to be the truth. Without taking a moment to think about what's actually happening, or what the right decision actually would be. Usually, their answer is to recommend flushing an hour or three down the toilet by toiling through a ridiculous spreadsheet compiled to make you think they actually know what they're doing and/or add some value but in actual fact it's just further proof that they really don't have the foggiest idea what they're doing. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to get myself into such a position and a lot of this is just annoyance that my bosses can be so utterly rubbish but be so comfortable with that fact. They must know they daily redefine what ineffective management means and they surely must take a look at themselves when they decree the team is performing badly - but apparently not. Apparently they're either oblivious to their stupidity or they simply don't care. Whichever it is, it's a very frustrating situation to be in at the moment and my frustration is on behalf of the poor sods we're meant to be offering "premium service" to. By taking a week to decide we're not going to take any action even though that decision has no grounds, no justification and no basis in policy. Other than all that, though, I'm motivated in my current role.
Good rant.
Without naming the company, could you say what industry you're in. And is your firm a successful one or does its culture mean that it's lagging behind the industry leaders?
MattBackHome
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 11,873
Wonderful.
pishhead
Well-known member
You're an MP?
Baldseagull
Well-known member
Are they hiring at the moment?
I am currently looking for a position as an ineffectual manager, I have lots of experience of being ineffectual in a critical role.
I have just been sent a 14 page document on . . . well, I have no idea. No instructions on whether to wear it, smoke it, or grease it, roll it into a tube and, well you can guess the rest. I have decided to delete it. Here is one sentence from the first page:
With the formal engagement of its “responsible persons” (as listed in the FoLSM policy) and other academic and managerial staff with the implementation, monitoring and strategic development of its health and safety management arrangements the Faculty has the potential to achieve “Basic Assurance” in all areas in time for the next planned audit in approximately 12 months.
With the formal engagement of its “responsible persons” (as listed in the FoLSM policy) and other academic and managerial staff with the implementation, monitoring and strategic development of its health and safety management arrangements the Faculty has the potential to achieve “Basic Assurance” in all areas in time for the next planned audit in approximately 12 months.
BBassic
I changed this.
- Jul 28, 2011
- 13,054
I have just been sent a 14 page document on . . . well, I have no idea. No instructions on whether to wear it, smoke it, or grease it, roll it into a tube and, well you can guess the rest. I have decided to delete it. Here is one sentence from the first page:
With the formal engagement of its “responsible persons” (as listed in the FoLSM policy) and other academic and managerial staff with the implementation, monitoring and strategic development of its health and safety management arrangements the Faculty has the potential to achieve “Basic Assurance” in all areas in time for the next planned audit in approximately 12 months.
"In about a year we're going to be less shit than we are right now"
I should write an Office Cobblers Dictionary.
Norman Potting
Well-known member
Rant-tastic. My heart gives a little skip of delight whenever I see this thread pop up again but then I really don't get out much.
I am in a vaguely similar position - having regularly complained of excessive workloads lots of people have been coming up with ideas to save me time - I am sure that it comes as no surprise that most of the suggestions actually seem to involve taking up more time!
Its not just the pages of doublespeek, its the fact that these things are sent without any actual instruction. Not even 'be vigilant'. We have a massive overarching management here (one of the 'big 3' universities in London). They seem to spend all their time meeting their own needs. Every few years the departments (schools, divisions, directorates, even the labels change) are melted down and reconstituted under another name (with the same staff plus new recruits). We actually had an 'institute of learning' which was supposed to 'manage' our teaching (of med students etc). It existed for several years, and was then melted down. In all that time I had no correspondence with them. So . . . what were they doing? Making each other weak tea, presumably.
Basically, I am tasked with running an undergrad course unit, plus I teach on lots of units run by others. We organise it all ourselves, but we are also required to upload loads of info (in different formats each year so we can never copy/paste), wherepon we hear nothing. I could be teaching students that the best cure for heart disease is a banana up the jacksy, and nobody would be any the wiser.
Meanwhile, massive salaries are being picked up by folk who, unlike me, do not have to apply for external funding to pay for anything from a PC/laptop for WORK to the means to do research, and have their offfices cleaned regularly (mine, located in a hospital, looks like Bhageras office in the 6th Hove cub scout hut, circa 1968, with its hand me down furniture and overflowing waste bin).
Fortunately the management here is so busy sending each other 'initiative' and 'audit' documents they have no time to properly check up on whether I am conforming to 'best practice' in terms of the height of my chair and the brightness of my desk lamp, etc., let alone whether my teaching and research cut the mustard. I am normally good at 'compliance' because it is managed so poorly. I am regularly asked to take online training courses in 'how to avoid threats in the workplace' etc (by 'threats' they mean sharp edges on the corners of desks, etc). The hard way is read all 70 pages of the training then take the test. If you fail you have to take it again and again. The easy way is just take the test, guessing, then note which answers you got wrong and redo the test. It takes 15 minutes. I did it once on my laptop while waiting in LAX airport. Some of my colleagues, however, do it the hard way. It takes many hours . . . .
Still, as long as you don't send blanket email replies to the entire organization (ahem) explaining what a load of utter sun-dried bollocks it all is, then you can sweetly carry on doing your real job, unmolested. It is more than 10 years since I wrote a '**** you, morons' email and sent 'to all'. Lucky escape there.
How we won the war sometimes baffles me. How we will win the future is by mavericks bypassing the claptrap and doing a job. But . . . its getting harder and harder. The nonsense some of my junior colleagues endure (because they know no better) is bound to turn them into jellybrain stone-turners very quickly. We are supposed to be discovering new medicines. Unlike Pfizer (no discoveries in 12 years, Sandwich site closed) we have other agendas (to do with teaching, and raising funds - 'winning' grants that may or may not be useful) and my institution ticks all the boxes, so unlike Pfizer we won't be leaving vast tracts of teaching and research facilities empty any time soon. But . . . it is an extraordinary edifice of appearance and no substance.
Beach Hut
Brighton Bhuna Boy
Office speak - latest is "Will you reach out to whoever"
FFS just **** off and do one
FFS just **** off and do one
Cheshire Cat
The most curious thing..
Someone else has sussed the method
.
Its not just the pages of doublespeek, its the fact that these things are sent without any actual instruction. Not even 'be vigilant'. We have a massive overarching management here (one of the 'big 3' universities in London). They seem to spend all their time meeting their own needs. Every few years the departments (schools, divisions, directorates, even the labels change) are melted down and reconstituted under another name (with the same staff plus new recruits). We actually had an 'institute of learning' which was supposed to 'manage' our teaching (of med students etc). It existed for several years, and was then melted down. In all that time I had no correspondence with them. So . . . what were they doing? Making each other weak tea, presumably.
Basically, I am tasked with running an undergrad course unit, plus I teach on lots of units run by others. We organise it all ourselves, but we are also required to upload loads of info (in different formats each year so we can never copy/paste), wherepon we hear nothing. I could be teaching students that the best cure for heart disease is a banana up the jacksy, and nobody would be any the wiser.
Meanwhile, massive salaries are being picked up by folk who, unlike me, do not have to apply for external funding to pay for anything from a PC/laptop for WORK to the means to do research, and have their offfices cleaned regularly (mine, located in a hospital, looks like Bhageras office in the 6th Hove cub scout hut, circa 1968, with its hand me down furniture and overflowing waste bin).
Fortunately the management here is so busy sending each other 'initiative' and 'audit' documents they have no time to properly check up on whether I am conforming to 'best practice' in terms of the height of my chair and the brightness of my desk lamp, etc., let alone whether my teaching and research cut the mustard. I am normally good at 'compliance' because it is managed so poorly. I am regularly asked to take online training courses in 'how to avoid threats in the workplace' etc (by 'threats' they mean sharp edges on the corners of desks, etc). The hard way is read all 70 pages of the training then take the test. If you fail you have to take it again and again. The easy way is just take the test, guessing, then note which answers you got wrong and redo the test. It takes 15 minutes. I did it once on my laptop while waiting in LAX airport. Some of my colleagues, however, do it the hard way. It takes many hours . . . .
Still, as long as you don't send blanket email replies to the entire organization (ahem) explaining what a load of utter sun-dried bollocks it all is, then you can sweetly carry on doing your real job, unmolested. It is more than 10 years since I wrote a '**** you, morons' email and sent 'to all'. Lucky escape there.
How we won the war sometimes baffles me. How we will win the future is by mavericks bypassing the claptrap and doing a job. But . . . its getting harder and harder. The nonsense some of my junior colleagues endure (because they know no better) is bound to turn them into jellybrain stone-turners very quickly. We are supposed to be discovering new medicines. Unlike Pfizer (no discoveries in 12 years, Sandwich site closed) we have other agendas (to do with teaching, and raising funds - 'winning' grants that may or may not be useful) and my institution ticks all the boxes, so unlike Pfizer we won't be leaving vast tracts of teaching and research facilities empty any time soon. But . . . it is an extraordinary edifice of appearance and no substance.
Bravo
this is a TOP DRAWER post for this thread. Those online tests are ridiculous. To his credit, my boss takes screen grabs of the answers and sends them to the rest of the team. This morning I have received an email from HR entitled "AODA and Customer Service Standards Training". We work in a private office and have to read up on how to provide facilities for disabled customers. Thankfully the test is optional and we just have to sign a page saying we've "read it."
Know about an incident (not in my current firm) where a member of staff was detailed to take an online compliance course and test for all 600 staff in a department...........Bravo
Those online tests are ridiculous. To his credit, my boss takes screen grabs of the answers and sends them to the rest of the team. This morning I have received an email from HR entitled "AODA and Customer Service Standards Training". We work in a private office and have to read up on how to provide facilities for disabled customers. Thankfully the test is optional and we just have to sign a page saying we've "read it."
AmexRuislip
Retired Spy 🕵️♂️
The company I used to work for, set these mandatory online courses for all employees.
All employees had to have an online account.
That's all well and good, but a lot of them of the silver age did not want to use computers, but just drive as they are paid to do so.
Ultimately not all were doing courses, and nothing as being done to enforce this??
All employees had to have an online account.
That's all well and good, but a lot of them of the silver age did not want to use computers, but just drive as they are paid to do so.
Ultimately not all were doing courses, and nothing as being done to enforce this??
Bravo
Those online tests are ridiculous. To his credit, my boss takes screen grabs of the answers and sends them to the rest of the team. This morning I have received an email from HR entitled "AODA and Customer Service Standards Training". We work in a private office and have to read up on how to provide facilities for disabled customers. Thankfully the test is optional and we just have to sign a page saying we've "read it."
I used to work for a big financial services company. There was a glitch in the system where if you got a question wrong and hit delete, it would just take you back a question and you could do it again.
4 years after we'd starting doing it (a while after most of us had left) they cottoned on and went after everyone. Blocked promotions for that year for everyone they'd caught! Don't get rewarded for ingenuity anymore.
That seems a bit extreme for some bullshit test you're going to forget about 5 minutes after doing it. Surely you're still learning, it's just process of elimination rather than studying. As you say, you should get rewarded.
We had to do about 20 of them a year. Think it was mostly embarrassment on their part that we'd taken the piss for so long.
Ken Livingstone Seagull
Well-known member
Thanks for the recommendation, my learned medical guru. (Taps nose). A nod's as good as a wink to a blind cardiac patient, know what I mean squire? I'll give it a go then and get back to you for your peer-reviewed article on cardiac placebos. You will not be charged for this helpful research project, consider it a donation to science.
