Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

When did this become the 'Bell Cheese on NSC' thread?

Anyway, back on topic, the tissue paper to open the loo door thing is alive and well in London I'm afraid....as is, in our office, a daily ritual of someone hanging a long piece of toilet paper from the door hinge in the traps to cover the 1/4 inch gap between the door and the frame.......

 

[Brian Fantana]

I would say from limited experience he sounds very much like he is on the autism spectrum.

Not that hysterical really

The key part here being limited experience.

 

[Pogue Mahone]

I see many types of Bell Cheese posted in this thread, but I've never seen anybody post about a "Stupid Question Bellend." which is making me worried that I'm the only person afflicted with this curse.

I work in quite a large warehouse, but my department only has 8 people, and most of them are genuinely nice enough. However there's one bellend there who makes me want to cry. He's 20 years old, but has the mental age of a 6 year old. I'm guessing he's always been a complete moron but he's also a massive stoner which has just completely fried his brain beyond repair. Despite having the easiest job imaginable he moans constantly about having to do it, he takes 10 toilet breaks a day, some of them lasting 6/7 minutes. He spends half the day standing around doing nothing and takes every shortcut possible to make his job easier, even if it inconveniences everyone else. However, the thing that really winds me up is the constant stupid f*cking questions he asks me with a complete straight face;

"Matthew, you're tall. Would the Nazi's be scared of you?"
"Matthew, have you ever punched a lorry?"
"Matthew, would you win in a fight with a Lion?"
"Would you kill a dinosaur?"
"If an old lady was rude to you, would you stab her?"
"Do they have windows in Poland?"
"Do they have the same coloured trees in Bulgaria?"
"Did houses have windows when you were growing up?" (Aimed at someone in their mid/late 40's)
"Did you have Computers when you were at school?" (Aimed at me. I'd have been two years above him at school)
"Matthew, is the U before the E in your name?"

He'll also ask me if I'm okay about 20 times a day and if I don't reply he'll get offended and starting telling me that nobody at work likes me because I'm so rude. He's reported at least 3 people for bullying him, despite one of them being him telling a Bulgarian guy he sounded like an idiot when he spoke English and that everyone hated him to which the Bulgarian guy laughed. Oh and to top it off, yesterday about 5 minutes before work he decided his chest felt tight an he'd left his inhaler at home so asked if he could cycle back to get it... I don't even know what to say

He asks me every morning if I'm happy to see him and I'm very close to telling him the only time I'd be happy to see him is if I was asked to identify a body.

Edit: Almost forgot to mention a couple of other gems. He managed to injure himself once by walking backwards and falling over something. He was so high at the time that he had to ring in the next day to ask how he had injured himself because he couldn't remember. A few weeks later he rang up to say he wouldn't be in the next day because his cat needed an injection... The next day he turns up and doesn't remember making the call. If it wasn't for the fact nobody seems to care he'd have been fired 6 times over.

Ignore Timmy trying to be all caring and compassionate in his oh so self righteous way. Fantastic post. Thank you.

 

[The Rivet]

The biggest Bell cheeses at work are the incompetent, know 'f' all employees that swan about and take the piss out of customers and their colleagues! Giving out incorrect or guessed 'facts and advise' without a care in the world.

 

[beorhthelm]

I see many types of Bell Cheese posted in this thread, but I've never seen anybody post about a "Stupid Question Bellend." which is making me worried that I'm the only person afflicted with this curse.

curse? he's brilliant, i'd definatly have some fun with that. trees in Bulgaria tend to be red, except the tall ones that are orange. Glad you asked about the name, theres also a silent U after the M. then send him done the DIY shop for a Long Weight, he might actually fall for it.

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

Anyone got a crossfit wanker at their job?

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Anyone got a crossfit wanker at their job?

We seem to have a number of fitness freaks in our office but nothing as specific in their constant evangelising/humble bragging (that literally no-one but them cares about) as the crossfit wanker presumably is.

Barely a day goes by without someone talking about their new breakfast regime or how fun the gym was at 4am.

Even worse is the expectation that everyone not only wants to hear about this constant quest for self improvement (/endless stream of insecurity and need for approval) but the belief that we're all just one more story away from agreeing to join in the 'lifestyle'.

Yes I know it's not ideal to eat a big lunch and that sugar is the devil, no, I don't particularly care, please please go away. Please.

 

[Lower West Stander]

New bell cheese from me too.

There is a woman in our London office who is forever banging on about how wonderful her daughter is. Given she has already got a quintuple first from Cambridge in nuclear physics, just about to start a lucrative job in the city "she had so many offers", and will no do be moving to NY to head the UN before she's 30, I feel totally unworthy.

She's already asked me about accommodation in Manhattan as " they will almost certainly want to transfer her at some point".

I've never met this girl but already can't stand her!

 

[Guinness Boy]

From my limited experience, this person wouldn't be overweight, middle aged, bald and from Hangleton ?

Not funny at all

Don't be silly. Whitechapel said he works in a warehouse. Timmy, on the other hand is a world renowned journalist who spends his time flitting between the Lancing training ground and the powerhouses of Fleet Street, all the time keeping the ladies of Muesli Mountain giggling coquettishly with his devilish wit.

Or an unemployed underwriter. I forget which.

 

[Cian]

Anyone got a crossfit wanker at their job?

Not specifically but I did have to listen to a comparison of spinning classes vs treadmill sessions this morning between two women the size of rakes and a guy who probably hasn't seen a salad in his life.

Since yesterday afternoon, someone - I can't tell who as they're around a corner - has been sniffling everyminute or less, at a level that makes them sound like their crying or have just taken a HUGE amount of gak. It is a media company but we don't pay well enough for the latter option.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Not specifically but I did have to listen to a comparison of spinning classes vs treadmill sessions this morning between two women the size of rakes and a guy who probably hasn't seen a salad in his life.

Since yesterday afternoon, someone - I can't tell who as they're around a corner - has been sniffling everyminute or less, at a level that makes them sound like their crying or have just taken a HUGE amount of gak. It is a media company but we don't pay well enough for the latter option.

Is it possible that they actually are crying? God knows that there are days at work where just giving up and weeping in the corner seems the best/only option.

Failing that, sounds like you might have an office warrior on your hands. Have fun with everyone getting ill due to them 'toughing it out'!

 

[Deleted User X18H]

Don't be silly. Whitechapel said he works in a warehouse. Timmy, on the other hand is a world renowned journalist who spends his time flitting between the Lancing training ground and the powerhouses of Fleet Street, all the time keeping the ladies of Muesli Mountain giggling coquettishly with his devilish wit.

Or an unemployed underwriter. I forget which.

Thackers you old scoundrel . Remember 86 outside Cheema's class.

It's all Canary Wharf nowadays.

 

[Postman Pat]

Anyone got a crossfit wanker at their job?

Used to work with some fitbit t**ts, their fitbit's would be constantly beeping telling them to move, and then they would spend hours comparing the number of steps they had managed to walk in a day.

They would decline pub invites as they had to get 3000 steps in 'or else'.... do the things explode if they don't meet the targets or something?? All very weird.

 

[Cian]

Is it possible that they actually are crying? God knows that there are days at work where just giving up and weeping in the corner seems the best/only option.

Failing that, sounds like you might have an office warrior on your hands. Have fun with everyone getting ill due to them 'toughing it out'!

Having found out who it is, its the work experience girl who clearly doesn't want to be here - she's not crying but I do think she wants to be sent home.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Having found out who it is, its the work experience girl who clearly doesn't want to be here - she's not crying but I do think she wants to be sent home.

Sounds like she's already got a pretty good idea about what the working world is like, wanting to get out early is absolutely reasonable.

 

[narly101]

Anyone got a crossfit wanker at their job?

Yes, but we also have a f'ing nutrionist-in-training, who regularly (every meal I eat) gives me suggestions on why I shouldn't be eating that. Sadly she's really rather fit, so I don't really mind putting up with it or her

 

[Cian]

Sounds like she's already got a pretty good idea about what the working world is like, wanting to get out early is absolutely reasonable.

She sent her CV in on spec after the end of the weeks work experience! Not gonna happen...

 

[Whitechapel]

I would say from limited experience he sounds very much like he is on the autism spectrum.

Not that hysterical really

I actually have a brother with autism, and have done voluntary work with children with special needs on more than one occasion, so thanks for trying to make me look like a bad guy. Autism is such a broad spectrum that literally any list of personality quirks could be twisted to look like indicators of autism.

I've worked with him for for 6 months, he's just a pleb who has obviously been spoilt and never had to lift a finger which means he isn't prepared for working life. Twin that with the amount of weed he claims to get through and it's a no brainier.

As an example of what I'm talking about, last week he didn't turn up for work once. Nobody knew why. Today he has turned back up, saying he was on holiday last week. When asked why he didn't hand a holiday form in he's claiming he did. This means there are three options.

A) He handed the form in, the shift leader forgot to hand it in and it's at the bottom of a pile of forms. They've checked. It's not

B) He handed the form and the shift leader threw it away for a laugh.

C) He forgot to hand it in.

Obviously it can't be his fault so he's spent the entire day so far kicking up a fuss, moaning that it's not fair he'll get paid nothing this week (we're paid weekly) . Claims he's going to take it to HR and the bosses upstairs. So instead of admitting he might have ballsed up he's trying to lay the blame on an innocent bloke. We'll ignore the fact that any sane person would have thought to ask about his holiday if he hadn't heard anything about it and he left in a couple of days.

Oh well, here's to two weeks of him moaning and bitching about it. I'm having great fun taking the piss

 

[Peter Grummit]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/...tingly-uses-jennys-special-mug-20160406107799

PG

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Pregnancy-bore update.

The individual in question has now developed the ability to turn any and every conversation, no matter what the subject, around to the subject of her impending child

"Morning, you alright?" [this is only ever a rhetorical question, isn't it? It's not like you actually seek a response other than "yeah, not bad mate, not bad"]

"Yes, I'm great thanks, xx weeks to go, but I'm feeling good. Bump is getting bigger, isn't it? Oh I feel so FAT" *

*clearly fishing for "glowing" compliment or some such.




"Anyone want a brew?"

"Oooh, I'll have one, decaf only for me though, can't be drinking caffeine now! I don't want to get Bump all jumpy!"





"Shit weather today, isn't it?"

"Oh isn't it? Still, I don't mind, it's not like I'll be going out running twenty miles with Bump! At least it's not hot. Imagine how uncomfortable I'll be then".





"I see the Prime Minister of Iceland has resigned over this Panama offshore banking scandal?"

"Iceland, I've always wanted to go there. Realistically though, it's just not practical now, not with me being pregnant, and then of course soon we'll have a little'un in tow, so who knows what we'll be doing in future"




"Amazing news: the scientists at CERN have managed to physically identify and separate the particle at the foundation of all life, thanks to years worth of painstaking research and the incredible possibilities created by the Large Hadron Collider"

"Yes <rubs abdomen> Bump is ever so lively today, everyone. I think I might have an Olympic athlete on my hands!".





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