Bell Cheeses at work

[Badger]

Ah the professional sicknote, every workplace has one or more of them! They somehow managed to navigate and confuse HR departments interpretation of said companies sickness absence rules and string out their pointless existences for years at a time.

Yes there's plenty of these around who know how to play the system. I used to work for a company which dealt with occupational health (see much earlier in the thread, the company with DOGS). It was quite amazing to see the size of an industry which is effectively built around trying to get sicknotes to go back to work. Some of the acceptable reasons for taking long term leave are quite staggering.

 

[Norman Potting]

Yes, we have to know all about these working "methodologies" rather than just getting on with our jobs. Although, to be fair, the ideas behind how we work are quite sound, it's just a shame they insist on creating bullshit words.

I'm pretty sure it's only my first paragraph (and possibly the word "sprint" *) which is full of bellcheesery though.

* Sprint = the next work we have to do

I am glad someone explained "Sprint" - I didn't have a clue what it meant in a workplace situation.

 

[The Fifth Column]

Yes there's plenty of these around who know how to play the system. I used to work for a company which dealt with occupational health (see much earlier in the thread, the company with DOGS). It was quite amazing to see the size of an industry which is effectively built around trying to get sicknotes to go back to work. Some of the acceptable reasons for taking long term leave are quite staggering.

I don't get why organisations are so obsessed with 'supporting' people that are off sick all the time?! All I ever hear is about person X has (insert nonsense affliction here) and we have to support them in their return to work. These lazy arsed workshy clungemonkeys are taking the piss but we have to 'support' them all the bleeding time. Some of them have been off for so long or so regularly they have to be retrained to do their job just in time of course to coincide with their next bout of non-specific wanker syndrome. And when they finally do drag their useless fat arses back to work, inevitably just a few days before they go onto half pay or some other sanction they are trying to avoid, they are only in 3 hours a day because any more than that will break their fragile brains or bodies FFS. On the off chance you do see them in a remarkably rare work situation and ask them to do anything they pull the occupational risk assessment card out of the bag and start droning on and on about not being able to do the task you asked as it isn't on the list of things they are allowed to do. Professional work dodgers, the bane of any workplace.

 

[Driver8]

I am glad someone explained "Sprint" - I didn't have a clue what it meant in a workplace situation.

I don't have a clue about stories granular or epic either. May as well have been in another language.

 

[Tarpon]

I don't get why organisations are so obsessed with 'supporting' people that are off sick all the time?! All I ever hear is about person X has (insert nonsense affliction here) and we have to support them in their return to work. These lazy arsed workshy clungemonkeys are taking the piss but we have to 'support' them all the bleeding time. Some of them have been off for so long or so regularly they have to be retrained to do their job just in time of course to coincide with their next bout of non-specific wanker syndrome. And when they finally do drag their useless fat arses back to work, inevitably just a few days before they go onto half pay or some other sanction they are trying to avoid, they are only in 3 hours a day because any more than that will break their fragile brains or bodies FFS. On the off chance you do see them in a remarkably rare work situation and ask them to do anything they pull the occupational risk assessment card out of the bag and start droning on and on about not being able to do the task you asked as it isn't on the list of things they are allowed to do. Professional work dodgers, the bane of any workplace.

Top ranting. Impressive and heartfelt.

 

[Bodian]

Almost as bad as 'socialising'........

Have you socialised that idea ?

No, I've simply spoken to people about it, you ****

"We need to have dialogue about...." Just as bad.

 

[Bodian]

We got the annual "corporate stars" email today.

I work for an American bank and every year they announce a list of people who have given "outstanding commitment to the firm" - insinuation being of course that the rest of us couldn't give a monkeys.

So I am asked to "celebrate" Amy who works in Corporate Outsourcing (?) in Pittsburgh and Jim in Client Service in Dublin.

Why? I don't know these people, will never meet them, they have nothing to do with my day to day job and I'm not interested in the fact they have all won $50 to spend in Macy's or whatever.

I'd rather be "celebrating" that my inbox didn't get clogged with garbage like this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We have just had a draft "Reward & Recognition Policy" to comment on. They were offering financial rewards for those who had outstanding performance. The bosses were rather surprised when most of the staff, even those who were likely to be rewarded, were against it on the grounds that it would be divisive. The management explained their draft policy by saying that staff had told them they wanted better 'thanks', and as they assumed that team leaders were already 'thanking' staff we must be after something like money.

They have re-issued the policy, which now basically says 'maybe send an e-mail thanking your staff when they have done a good job'......

 

[dazzer6666]

I don't get why organisations are so obsessed with 'supporting' people that are off sick all the time?! All I ever hear is about person X has (insert nonsense affliction here) and we have to support them in their return to work. These lazy arsed workshy clungemonkeys are taking the piss but we have to 'support' them all the bleeding time. Some of them have been off for so long or so regularly they have to be retrained to do their job just in time of course to coincide with their next bout of non-specific wanker syndrome. And when they finally do drag their useless fat arses back to work, inevitably just a few days before they go onto half pay or some other sanction they are trying to avoid, they are only in 3 hours a day because any more than that will break their fragile brains or bodies FFS. On the off chance you do see them in a remarkably rare work situation and ask them to do anything they pull the occupational risk assessment card out of the bag and start droning on and on about not being able to do the task you asked as it isn't on the list of things they are allowed to do. Professional work dodgers, the bane of any workplace.

This, supported by an army of 'Occupational Health Professionals'. The people you describe are ALWAYS the ones that need 'special' chairs that NO-ONE else is allowed to use just in case they forget how to adjust the settings. A large piece of paper stuck to the back usually identifies their ****wittery.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

This, supported by an army of 'Occupational Health Professionals'. The people you describe are ALWAYS the ones that need 'special' chairs that NO-ONE else is allowed to use just in case they forget how to adjust the settings. A large piece of paper stuck to the back usually identifies their ****wittery.

I love it when you sit in one of these chairs by mistake.

All the chairs in our office look the same, even the special chairs designed to support the needy, I mistakenly took one of these the other days and adjusted it for me.

The person came in and went bat shit, I mean crazy bat shit.

I tried my hardest, but I couldn't stop myself laughing

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

I don't get why organisations are so obsessed with 'supporting' people that are off sick all the time?! All I ever hear is about person X has (insert nonsense affliction here) and we have to support them in their return to work. These lazy arsed workshy clungemonkeys are taking the piss but we have to 'support' them all the bleeding time. Some of them have been off for so long or so regularly they have to be retrained to do their job just in time of course to coincide with their next bout of non-specific wanker syndrome. And when they finally do drag their useless fat arses back to work, inevitably just a few days before they go onto half pay or some other sanction they are trying to avoid, they are only in 3 hours a day because any more than that will break their fragile brains or bodies FFS. On the off chance you do see them in a remarkably rare work situation and ask them to do anything they pull the occupational risk assessment card out of the bag and start droning on and on about not being able to do the task you asked as it isn't on the list of things they are allowed to do. Professional work dodgers, the bane of any workplace.

We had someone of was off sick for 18 months with stress

In that time off they:

Took two long haul holidays
Got married
Moved house
Seen out most Friday nights drinking
Regularly seen in town at the tannin place

After that 18 months her pay was going to be stopped (not sure of the details of how it worked) came back for 3 hours which then reset her sickness and went off for another 8 and is still off now

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

The Christmas ***** are out in force today. It's ****ing August, it's warm outside, don't start this Christmas bollox already.

Maybe I'm the office bell cheese today

We got our "save the date" for the Christmas party yesterday

Delete

 

[Lower West Stander]

We got our "save the date" for the Christmas party yesterday

Delete

Got ours Monday.

I never go. Absolutely hate all the forced jollity and the forced "down with the kids" attitude of senior management.

It also means I avoid the week long discussions about the seating plan - probably the most contentious event of the year.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Got ours Monday.

I never go. Absolutely hate all the forced jollity and the forced "down with the kids" attitude of senior management.

It also means I avoid the week long discussions about the seating plan - probably the most contentious event of the year.

I swear ours are set up to try and get people sacked.

ply them with endless free alcohol and encourage drinking in the middle of no where with only a company bus to take them home and a set of rules.

 

[Brian Fantana]

I don't get why organisations are so obsessed with 'supporting' people that are off sick all the time?! All I ever hear is about person X has (insert nonsense affliction here) and we have to support them in their return to work. These lazy arsed workshy clungemonkeys are taking the piss but we have to 'support' them all the bleeding time. Some of them have been off for so long or so regularly they have to be retrained to do their job just in time of course to coincide with their next bout of non-specific wanker syndrome. And when they finally do drag their useless fat arses back to work, inevitably just a few days before they go onto half pay or some other sanction they are trying to avoid, they are only in 3 hours a day because any more than that will break their fragile brains or bodies FFS. On the off chance you do see them in a remarkably rare work situation and ask them to do anything they pull the occupational risk assessment card out of the bag and start droning on and on about not being able to do the task you asked as it isn't on the list of things they are allowed to do. Professional work dodgers, the bane of any workplace.

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing this thread was made for. Bravo, top ranting.

 

[Uncle Buck]

We got our "save the date" for the Christmas party yesterday

Delete

I had to send ours out as the venues chase for deposit.

Sort of enjoy doing the seating plan, means I can create a table of all the people I cannot stand.

With any luck our game against Leeds will be moved to the Friday night, can leave a trail of moaning over the seating plan and not even attend the do...

 

[Napper]

Colleague of mine this week has started talking about work as meat and bones

"I've drafted the bones so have a read through"

"We can add the meat later"

and so on with various permutations

Not a new saying at all but the fact he's started to use at alarming regularity is sending me towards self combustion.

 

[Lower West Stander]

I don't get why organisations are so obsessed with 'supporting' people that are off sick all the time?! All I ever hear is about person X has (insert nonsense affliction here) and we have to support them in their return to work. These lazy arsed workshy clungemonkeys are taking the piss but we have to 'support' them all the bleeding time. Some of them have been off for so long or so regularly they have to be retrained to do their job just in time of course to coincide with their next bout of non-specific wanker syndrome. And when they finally do drag their useless fat arses back to work, inevitably just a few days before they go onto half pay or some other sanction they are trying to avoid, they are only in 3 hours a day because any more than that will break their fragile brains or bodies FFS. On the off chance you do see them in a remarkably rare work situation and ask them to do anything they pull the occupational risk assessment card out of the bag and start droning on and on about not being able to do the task you asked as it isn't on the list of things they are allowed to do. Professional work dodgers, the bane of any workplace.

Can I add to this the "mum in the office"?

These women are the ones who announce their pregnancy to the whole office on the incorrect assumption that everyone is interested. We then have the lottery of when they'll actually turn up for work over the next 6 months, forcing everyone else to cover what they are doing. They then take the maximum year off after giving birth, this year being punctuated by regular visits with the baby so that everyone can coo over how gorgeous it is and so she can go to lunch to talk crap with half the female population of the office.

On returning to work after the year, she then basically takes the piss. "I have to leave early today", "I can't work Fridays", "I'm going on holiday for 3 weeks", "I can't come in today as little Johnny has a runny rose". Because HR doesn't allow a replacement, everyone else finishes up doing half her job because she's hardly ever there to do it herself. You just know, if you need to talk to her about something, she won't be there because of some baby/toddler related issue meaning she can't come in to work.

I'm a dad of two kids myself so maybe its because the husbands of these women are all completely useless and don't contribute at all to their kids formative years, but somehow, I doubt it. I guess this is as much a rant about employment law as those who exploit it!

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

I had to send ours out as the venues chase for deposit.

Sort of enjoy doing the seating plan, means I can create a table of all the people I cannot stand.

With any luck our game against Leeds will be moved to the Friday night, can leave a trail of moaning over the seating plan and not even attend the do...

I think you should put all the young folk with higher management - that is a way to ruin everyone's night

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Can I add to this the "mum in the office"?

These women are the ones who announce their pregnancy to the whole office on the incorrect assumption that everyone is interested. We then have the lottery of when they'll actually turn up for work over the next 6 months, forcing everyone else to cover what they are doing. They then take the maximum year off after giving birth, this year being punctuated by regular visits with the baby so that everyone can coo over how gorgeous it is and so she can go to lunch to talk crap with half the female population of the office.

On returning to work after the year, she then basically takes the piss. "I have to leave early today", "I can't work Fridays", "I'm going on holiday for 3 weeks", "I can't come in today as little Johnny has a runny rose". Because HR doesn't allow a replacement, everyone else finishes up doing half her job because she's hardly ever there to do it herself. You just know, if you need to talk to her about something, she won't be there because of some baby/toddler related issue meaning she can't come in to work.

I'm a dad of two kids myself so maybe its because the husbands of these women are all completely useless and don't contribute at all to their kids formative years, but somehow, I doubt it. I guess this is as much a rant about employment law as those who exploit it!

I don't know if it's been brought up but it is along these lines.

New mums that bring the kids in..... no one cares, except those that use it as an excuse not to do work for 30 minutes.

These same people bitched about said mother for the previous x amount of years.

Plus no one in a work place wants a crying baby FFS, dont stand there making shuuu sounds about the crying child as it goes bat shit, leave.

 

[Paul Reids Sock]

We got our "save the date" for the Christmas party yesterday

Delete

Just had to look through my calendar to find the invitation for mine and check when it was sent out ...1th May!

It is a weekend away somewhere as well and frowned upon if you don't go. luckily my house is 10 minutes from the event. I will rock up for free food and beer. Watch the act that they have booked (usually a well known comedian or such like) and then call a cab to go home before all the affairs and room swapping starts

I don't know if it's been brought up but it is along these lines.

New mums that bring the kids in..... no one cares, except those that use it as an excuse not to do work for 30 minutes.

These same people bitched about said mother for the previous x amount of years.

Plus no one in a work place wants a crying baby FFS, dont stand there making shuuu sounds about the crying child as it goes bat shit, leave.

I HATE this. I have a kid myself and took him into our office when he was born as I was instructed to do so by the boss. However, I took him in during the allotted lunch hour and met the team in a meeting room to avoid all the others. It really isn't that hard to do.

People don't want to be on a work call and have a ruddy baby crying in the background.

Best thing about the new place is that they have a children's Christmas Party so for half a day each December everyone brings in their kids and they put on a big event for them. pretty decent to be fair and means that there is pre warning for the kid hating brigade