Bell Cheeses at work

[Super Steve Earle]

The girl sat on the adjacent desk, has just polished off a snack
The position of our respective monitors means I can't tell for sure what it was
but I can only assume
from the crunching noises
that it was a bag of gravel.

Reorganised as the limerick you so nearly typed. Bit more rhyming please next time.

 

[Badger]

CRSIPS, after three years of doing basically nothing, other than eat and play with her phone, has had to rather step up these last couple of months - as NOISE MACHINE (who despite all the singing and humming and tapping and pen-clicking, was actually really quite efficient) left the company. She's cut down on the crisps actually, and now favours about three YOGHURTS a day. Amazing how much noise you can make with a yoghurt pot, if you are sufficiently committed to being an irritant.

The girl eating the GRAVEL was an attempt at replacing Noise - but its not worked out for her, and she finishes on Friday. I should make clear that she's leaving because of family health issues, rather than because the easily-irritated chap on the adjacent desk tuts, rolls his eyes and puts his headphones on, every time she reaches for her snack drawer...

That guy sounds like a right nob.


(I've missed these NOISE/CRISP updates)

 

[hans kraay fan club]

That guy sounds like a right nob.


(I've missed these NOISE/CRISP updates)

Well, we'll have another stab at replacing NOISE in the coming weeks, and pray to god, she or he, doesn't provide too much content for this thread!

 

[Wrong-Direction]

Just had a phone call from a site manager of a very well known house builder.
“Your fitters have just finished plot blah, there’s a stain on it, replace it asap this is unacceptable, fitting stained carpets, I want it replaced by close of play tomorrow”
He slams the phone down….
Luckily the fitter thought this might happen as he was fitting other areas he noticed someone come in with ladders, and was gone within five minutes, so he went to investigate.

I just forwarded this to the site manager and area manager, with an estimate to replace it.

Haha brilliant!

Sent from my SM-A326B using Tapatalk

 

[The Clamp]

I do have some sympathy, as outside of a bag of Skips, its largely impossible to eat a bag of crisps without there being some acoustic disturbance.

I ate a bag of roast beef Hula Hoops in the office yesterday, and in my head, it sounded like Concorde crashing into a saucepan factory. Despite diligently scoffing with my mouth closed, I still probably sounded like a dinosaur eating a tree. Fortunately I'm of an age now where I don't really care.

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

Well, we'll have another stab at replacing NOISE in the coming weeks, and pray to god, she or he, doesn't provide too much content for this thread!

I have to say that I’m a bit disappointed with you. You shouldn’t be restricting your future coworker to gender binary pronouns.....

....I’ve missed CRISPS

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

A long time ago I wrote here about someone who basically refused to come in to the office during the pandemic, but did eventually get back to 3 & then 4 days a week.

Roll forward a few months...& in March this year we were all told that 4 day weeks would be coming to an end, and work hours would be back to normal...EXCEPT for this one person who is still, to this day, on a 4 day week - with Fridays WFH.

The weekend before last we had a COVID outbreak at work. 4 members of staff, inc. the boss were absent. The "Part timer" did his usual 4 day week (locked in his office on his own), but failed to show up this Monday just gone...and hasn't been in all week. Turns out he was told he could WFH this week after last weeks outbreak - despite everyone staying away, now testing negative, & being back at work etc.

You can imagine the bad feeling its caused amongst everyone, especially as he basically gets an extra A/L day every week of the year - & has a long weekend every week when some of the guys in the factory are still doing 6 day weeks.

You couldn't make this sh1t up.

 

[Badger]

I got promoted to manager at my company about a year ago. My company was a startup with about 120 people and the structure was kind of ad-hoc, with managers just dealing with things specific to the team and the odd bit of HR. A nice way of working and not too much bullsh*t to deal with.

In April we got bought by a big company known mainly for anti-virus software. They're based in Prague, so have a kind of relaxed, easy-going approach to work. It was definitely an adjustment to be working for a big company again, but we were really just left to get on with our own thing.

Now, we've been taken over by a certain, giant anti-virus company based in the US. I just attended a meeting titled "People Leader Roundtable" and I logged in to the Zoom call to be greeted by motivational music. Kill me now.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Well, we'll have another stab at replacing NOISE in the coming weeks, and pray to god, she or he, doesn't provide too much content for this thread!

Update:

The second replacement for NOISE is two weeks in. 30-something Argentinian lady, who seems completely inoffensive so far.

However, just as that role is getting settled, CRISPS, dismayed at actually having to do some work once noise left, has now handed in HER notice, and now I have to start interviewing for that one too.

Won't miss her a bit, but its still a f***ing ballache. Two new admins at the same time, means the place is going to go to shit! FFS.

 

[Sirnormangall]

I got promoted to manager at my company about a year ago. My company was a startup with about 120 people and the structure was kind of ad-hoc, with managers just dealing with things specific to the team and the odd bit of HR. A nice way of working and not too much bullsh*t to deal with.

In April we got bought by a big company known mainly for anti-virus software. They're based in Prague, so have a kind of relaxed, easy-going approach to work. It was definitely an adjustment to be working for a big company again, but we were really just left to get on with our own thing.

Now, we've been taken over by a certain, giant anti-virus company based in the US. I just attended a meeting titled "People Leader Roundtable" and I logged in to the Zoom call to be greeted by motivational music. Kill me now.

Don’t prejudge them - simply reach out, salute what they put up the flag pole and look forward to the first scrum meeting.

 

[Barnet Seagull]

Don’t prejudge them - simply reach out, salute what they put up the flag pole and look forward to the first scrum meeting.

And remember, people are our biggest asset.

 

[Badger]

Update:

The second replacement for NOISE is two weeks in. 30-something Argentinian lady, who seems completely inoffensive so far.

However, just as that role is getting settled, CRISPS, dismayed at actually having to do some work once noise left, has now handed in HER notice, and now I have to start interviewing for that one too.

Won't miss her a bit, but its still a f***ing ballache. Two new admins at the same time, means the place is going to go to shit! FFS.

Are you going to throw in an icebreaker question along the lines of "what would be your ideal snack?" Just to root out any crisp crunchers and yoghurt slurpers.

 

[Badger]

Don’t prejudge them - simply reach out, salute what they put up the flag pole and look forward to the first scrum meeting.

To be fair, we've been doing scrum for years. The difference being, we ignored most of the bullsh*t you were supposed to do and just got on with the work and avoided too many meaningless meetings. That all seems to have gone out of the window now. My calendar is full of meetings such as "Team refinement session" and "Team retrospective".

I'm also supposed to fill in a weekly status update form for senior managers to monitor our progress. This form consists of 26 questions such as "How is the squad’s morale? What can we do to positively affect morale?"

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

I ate a bag of roast beef Hula Hoops in the office yesterday, and in my head, it sounded like Concorde crashing into a saucepan factory. Despite diligently scoffing with my mouth closed, I still probably sounded like a dinosaur eating a tree. Fortunately I'm of an age now where I don't really care.


Easy 10, Top wordcraftery.

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

In response to the reaching out bollox, I asked one of my team yesterday to Four Tops a client. He got there in the end.

 

[Guinness Boy]

To be fair, we've been doing scrum for years. The difference being, we ignored most of the bullsh*t you were supposed to do and just got on with the work and avoided too many meaningless meetings. That all seems to have gone out of the window now. My calendar is full of meetings such as "Team refinement session" and "Team retrospective".

I'm also supposed to fill in a weekly status update form for senior managers to monitor our progress. This form consists of 26 questions such as "How is the squad’s morale? What can we do to positively affect morale?"

Let me know when a new scrum master suddenly turns up out of the blue and uses a speech token at the daily.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Update:

The second replacement for NOISE is two weeks in. 30-something Argentinian lady, who seems completely inoffensive so far.

However, just as that role is getting settled, CRISPS, dismayed at actually having to do some work once noise left, has now handed in HER notice, and now I have to start interviewing for that one too.

Won't miss her a bit, but its still a f***ing ballache. Two new admins at the same time, means the place is going to go to shit! FFS.

At least you have two ready made interview questions.

What is your snack of choice? Stock answer -"the louder the better", preferably while chewing gum

How do you intend to further your career? Stock answer - "by driving your colleagues up the wall so they have to leave to maintain their sanity, until you and the weird bloke who asked this question are the only ones left"

 

[WATFORD zero]

I love this thread, like a warm comfort blanket coming back to remind me why I retired 12 years ago (even I'm surprised it's been that long) from that absolute complete ****ing ****ocks of ****houseary know as 'the office'. Long may it continue

 

[Paulie Gualtieri]

Are you going to throw in an icebreaker question along the lines of "what would be your ideal snack?" Just to root out any crisp crunchers and yoghurt slurpers.

What’s your favourite decibel?

 

[Cheshire Cat]

To be fair, we've been doing scrum for years. The difference being, we ignored most of the bullsh*t you were supposed to do and just got on with the work and avoided too many meaningless meetings. That all seems to have gone out of the window now. My calendar is full of meetings such as "Team refinement session" and "Team retrospective".

I'm also supposed to fill in a weekly status update form for senior managers to monitor our progress. This form consists of 26 questions such as "How is the squad’s morale? What can we do to positively affect morale?"

Answers -
- It's fantastic
- Absolutely nothing