Bell Cheeses at work

[Badger]

Unashamedly stolen from the excellent mumsnet madness twitter feed:

What other **** fest ideas have your bosses dreamt up to deliver cohesive team building?

That really is full David Brent. Who the f*** even brings a guitar to work? Let alone buying one for everyone else.

 

[jakarta]

With all the Politics Crap / Crap Politics threads dominating at present, it is nice to be reminded of what the purpose of NSC is TRUELY about...

 

[Templeton Peck]

Doing some freelance stuff for a Marketing Company at the moment compiling client data.

They don't think my laptop is secure enough for the spreadsheet full of data they want me to e-mail them over, so they have sent me one of theirs to use. My laptop is 4 years old but everything is up to date Anti-Virus/Spyware wise and OS wise. Theirs is running Windows XP and they want me to login via Internet Explorer on it to to access Outlook Web Edition.

I'm not even going to argue with them based on previous experiences with them.

 

[B-right-on]

Got a lad (30) been working for me for a few years now. Comes out with some classics:

Asked me what is the capital of Paris.

I mentioned Hungary and he said "Thats in Germany isn't it"

Another time I was talking about the derivation of a word and said that it was from Latin. He said "That's in South America isn't it". When I looked at him all confused, he said "Well it's called Latin America".

Yoof of today

 

[Gwylan]

What other **** fest ideas have your bosses dreamt up to deliver cohesive team building?

We had a HR manager who tried to implement a clean desk policy. She thought the best way to do this was to award a Golden Bin Bag to the team with the messiest desks. It backfired spectacularly as teams outdid each other in trying to win the prize. She scrapped the idea after two months.

 

[portlock seagull]

That really is full David Brent. Who the f*** even brings a guitar to work?

Eric Clapton, The Edge, Pete Townsend...

 

[Murray 17]

Got a lad (30) been working for me for a few years now. Comes out with some classics:

Asked me what is the capital of Paris.

I mentioned Hungary and he said "Thats in Germany isn't it"

Another time I was talking about the derivation of a word and said that it was from Latin. He said "That's in South America isn't it". When I looked at him all confused, he said "Well it's called Latin America".

Yoof of today

Have you suggested they apply for the next series of 'The Apprentice'?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

 

[B-right-on]

Have you suggested they apply for the next series of 'The Apprentice'?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

 

[A1X]

At the moment we seem to have run out of space in the office and so a load of people who turn up for a few days then bugger off again have started showing up in the desks around ours. One of them has decided to go out at lunchtime and bring back a curry every day and eat it at his desk. I'm not normally one to complain about food at desks or even hot food within reason, but this is FISH curry, so absolutely stinks. There's a perfectly good canteen area he could use, but chooses to sit at his desk. Not for any reason either, he doesn't log in, just sits there checking his phone.

And don't get me started on the one who whistles all day...

 

[timbha]

At the moment we seem to have run out of space in the office and so a load of people who turn up for a few days then bugger off again have started showing up in the desks around ours. One of them has decided to go out at lunchtime and bring back a curry every day and eat it at his desk. I'm not normally one to complain about food at desks or even hot food within reason, but this is FISH curry, so absolutely stinks. There's a perfectly good canteen area he could use, but chooses to sit at his desk. Not for any reason either, he doesn't log in, just sits there checking his phone.

And don't get me started on the one who whistles all day...

You can’t post this and sign off leaving us dangling. Have you said anything to the curry eater yet? Started a petition? Written to HR/People/Personnel/other?

What tune is the whistler whistling?

Update by end of Friday please.

 

[Easy 10]

Quite apart from the horrifically antisocial nature of eating a fish curry at work - who the HELL has a FISH CURRY ??

 

[Mackenzie]

Quite apart from the horrifically antisocial nature of eating a fish curry at work - who the HELL has a FISH CURRY ??

Very popular in South India.

 

[Iggle Piggle]

Our Implementation team have a 4hr window to complete some customer critical work this evening starting at 6.

At 18.01, they have just knobbed off for a cup of tea and the bloke in charge is posting on here. My colleague, in a show of solidarity and support has just started singing 'Sacked in the morning' repeatedly.

 

[Sheebo]

At the moment we seem to have run out of space in the office and so a load of people who turn up for a few days then bugger off again have started showing up in the desks around ours. One of them has decided to go out at lunchtime and bring back a curry every day and eat it at his desk. I'm not normally one to complain about food at desks or even hot food within reason, but this is FISH curry, so absolutely stinks. There's a perfectly good canteen area he could use, but chooses to sit at his desk. Not for any reason either, he doesn't log in, just sits there checking his phone.

And don't get me started on the one who whistles all day...

You can’t post this and sign off leaving us dangling. Have you said anything to the curry eater yet? Started a petition? Written to HR/People/Personnel/other?

What tune is the whistler whistling?

Update by end of Friday please.

Whistling is a pet hate of mine at work - and singing. It’s so distracting for my tiny mind. My mate is the worst offender. He doesn’t just whistle naturally, he really performs it and concentrated on it. Emmerdale farm is one of his performances - just get in everyone’s head. So annoying!

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Whistling is a pet hate of mine at work - and singing. It’s so distracting for my tiny mind. My mate is the worst offender. He doesn’t just whistle naturally, he really performs it and concentrated on it. Emmerdale farm is one of his performances - just get in everyone’s head. So annoying!

So pleased I have my own office.

Pleased, mostly, for the poor fekkers who don't have to share my space and suffer my swearing, chuckling and otherwise emoting about the asinine and inane *****bollocks shitehoutse rubbish memos and half-baked meaningless unimplementable diktats I get in my email.

And in the real world....we had a high level meeting today about what to do about plagiarism (by students). Yes, you guessed, we could not agree on how to define plagiarism, how to identify it, how to prosecute it, how to convict it, how to punish it or how to mitigate against it. The finest brains of a Russell Group uni. No surprise *we* can't get Brexit Done

 

[Sirnormangall]

Very popular in South India.

Maybe he was posting from his office in southern India?

 

[Sirnormangall]

Our Implementation team have a 4hr window to complete some customer critical work this evening starting at 6.

At 18.01, they have just knobbed off for a cup of tea and the bloke in charge is posting on here. My colleague, in a show of solidarity and support has just started singing 'Sacked in the morning' repeatedly.

Their 4 hour window has just ended..........did they achieve it? ( roll of drums.........)

 

[Iggle Piggle]

Their 4 hour window has just ended..........did they achieve it? ( roll of drums.........)

No. A complete balls up.

Sacked in the morning. This tweet is me tomorrow

[tweet]1191829488423833601[/TWEET]

 

[Brok]

The company were holding interviews for a new office girl. The first candidate was asked "Can you perform under pressure?"

She replied "I don't know. But I can do a bloody good Bohemian Rhapsody"

 

[Badger]

A guy in my team started talking to himself this morning. I asked him why,* and his response was that he liked working in pairs but there wasn't anyone else to work with so he was working with himself. I don't even know what that means. Now I'm starting to wonder if he's schizophrenic. He said he'd try and be quiet, but of course he started doing it again 2 minutes later.





* Real meaning: "shut the f*** up"