Bell Cheeses at work

[Gullflyinghigh]

Any legal (and not career limiting) suggestions on how to get the wanky manager just over the partition to stop singing/grunting?

'Career limiting' who am I kidding??

Sing or grunt along with them, just slightly louder and to an appalling standard.

Failing that, I would use the same method that I suggested for dealing with dogs in the workplace a while back; Honeybadger.

 

[Titanic]

Are there any dogs in the office? If so every time he sings howl like one - either he'll stop singing or ban dogs from the workplace.

Howling dogs would be BLISS compared to his tuneless GRUNTING.

 

[Badger]

Howling dogs would be BLISS compared to his tuneless GRUNTING.

You clearly haven't worked in an office with HOWLING dogs.

 

[Titanic]

Sing or grunt along with them, just slightly louder and to an appalling standard.

I have started a game of 'Name that tune' with my colleague...

"I'll name it in 5"

"OK... I'll name it in 4"

"NAME THAT TUNE!"

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

I have started a game of 'Name that tune' with my colleague...

"I'll name it in 5"

"OK... I'll name it in 4"

"NAME THAT TUNE!"

Excellent, however, I really think you should give the Honeybadger option some more consideration, they're the cure for all ills!

 

[Titanic]

Excellent, however, I really think you should give the Honeybadger option some more consideration, they're the cure for all ills!

When we have tired of our new little game!

 

[Postman Pat]

Don't think I'm going to need a week to form an opinion on my new team mate. She has spent the day giving me her life story.

When she wasn't doing that she was asking random questions.... do you know when the stock market closes? I've got some shares to sell.....and then proceeds to tell me how she came to have them....

 

[Guinness Boy]

Don't think I'm going to need a week to form an opinion on my new team mate. She has spent the day giving me her life story.

When she wasn't doing that she was asking random questions.... do you know when the stock market closes? I've got some shares to sell.....and then proceeds to tell me how she came to have them....

It's going to be a long year.....

 

[Lower West Stander]

I know I’m late to the conversation, but having read through the thread, it is glaringly obvious that pretty much every office that their very own version of the wretched ‘bubbly’ fat woman. Unfortunately, my office is no different. These are her main characteristics and traits:

Unnecessarily loud and ‘bubbly’; will offer the whole office a “good morning” in a loud 'cheerful' voice whilst extending the vowels – “gooood moooorniiing”.

Sneezes loudly and dramatically; everyone ignores her sneezing but mutters curses between clenched teeth. However, whenever anyone else sneezes, she shouts out a loud and ‘jovial’ “bless yooooou!”

Does very little work; she was the assistant to a very busy relationship manager (RM) but seemingly browsed the internet or played Patience all effing day long. One of my colleagues pointed this out to the RM and everyone ended up chipping in with their own little story of her laziness and ineffectiveness. Eventually, action was taken and she is now just a general assistant rather than working directly with an RM. This, of course, gives her even more freedom to do exactly what she wants all day – fanny around online. Stupid stupid company.

Turn up to any social event; in the 3 years I’ve known her, she has been single for all but two months last year. This evidently means that she has very little going on outside work as she will turn up to any event, even when it involves people she has absolutely no working relationship with. Someone’s leaving drink, birthday party, wetting the baby’s head, spontaneous pub session… she will turn up and attempt to ingratiate herself before invariably getting pissed and making lascivious comments and cackling like a witch.

She has proclaimed several times ‘I get really horny when I’m drunk’; she will intrude on people’s conversations, and if there is some office flirting going on, barge in whilst her voice gets all trembly and breathless like some sketch-show caricature. She’s like a fat, ugly female version of Vic Reeves rubbing his legs whilst staring at someone attractive.

She has to be the one to organise ‘fun’; Children in Need, Comic Relief, monthly charity days, Easter, Christmas, whatever, she will be involved in arranging or, at very least, actively partaking in every event. One team here on the 5th floor, who we have very loose associations with, had a jolly old Christmas Jumper competition last week. She invited herself along and won. Anyone would think she had been presented with an Oscar or Nobel prize such was her loud, vociferous, ridiculously misplaced pride.

Today she is wandering around, doing no work as per norm, digging into the various tins of Roses and Quality Street, singing half lines from festive songs; “…munch slobber slurp… let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”
She is taking great delight in demonstrating the ‘hilarious’ Santa hat she has treated herself to. When a button is pressed, the pointy bit swings from side to side whilst some distorted, tinny piece of crappy Christmas music blares forth. She has shown everyone, and every time, she is the only one who laughs at how wacky, zany and plain ker-azy the funny hat is.

I am angry. I shouldn’t be writing this as (disappointingly) I’m actually bloody busy. But this is cathartic and will hopefully prevent me from attacking her with, at best sharp words, at worst a pair of scissors and Sellotape dispenser.

I hate her.

Would it be wrong of me to try and get a picture of her and post it on here?

I have a derivative. The wretched, bubbly, fat AMERICAN woman.

Obviously I have one in my office. The main annoyance is she is totally incapable of talking quietly. If she has a question, if only to one person, the entire office hears it. For some reason no one really understands, she has her own office so will often emerge loudly telling everyone how she has just had such an important call with some friend from another organisation who is now going to get us loads of business (they never do of course). She spends huge chunks of days not at her desk (no one knows where she is, but consensus is that it is not work related), but always makes sure she is there when everyone else goes home.

But my utter utter infuriation with her is that she is completely oblivious to what anyone else is doing. I could be on the phone and she will talk loudly to someone next to me so I can't hear the person on the line, she will interrupt me to ask a stupid question when I'm in the middle of doing something (never asks if I'm busy) and nothing she does adds any value to the business whatsoever.

Same the world over I guess...

 

[Adders1]

Back in NZ, I worked for a branch of an insurance company, and worked with some of the most boring c*nts i'd ever met, all of whom were 1) mothers of young children or 2) planning to have children.

It was like pissing groundhog day.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Back in NZ, I worked for a branch of an insurance company, and worked with some of the most boring c*nts i'd ever met, all of whom were 1) mothers of young children or 2) planning to have children.

It was like pissing groundhog day.

Now if we're going to talk about OLD jobs.....

I don't post on this much because I largely work from home or travel to client sites to have meetings with people who I don't mind and, in any case, pay me. However, my first job was at a long defunct local Building Society. In our team there were three blokes and nine women. The three blokes were me, some incredibly posh bloke called Giles who'd been very, very naughty at public school and was on his way back from disgrace and my boss who looked like a tortoise and who you had to occasionally prod to make sure he hadn't died (though he was such a long standing Tory Party member you really only had to shout "NEIL KINNOCK" very loudly to f*** his day up). The rest were all women between about 28 and 40 who had the following lines of conversation:

1) What their husband had done yesterday
2) What their kid had done yesterday
3) How they really, really didn't want more kids
4) How they really, really did want more kids
5) How good their husband was in bed
6) How bad their husband was in bed
7) How rude that elderly customer had been when you'd mentioned their home could be repossessed (interest rates were 15% at the time).

Luckily they were taken over and they paid me off enough to leave that I spent a summer alternating between Ibiza and the bookies before getting a proper job.

 

[Ⓩ-Ⓐ-Ⓜ-Ⓞ-Ⓡ-Ⓐ]

There's a bloke in my office who thinks "drinking tea is gay" and by straining the tea bag I "look like a fagg0t. The sad thing is this isn't a "hilarious joke" he genuinely thinks that

 

[carteater]

There's a bloke in my office who thinks "drinking tea is gay" and by straining the tea bag I "look like a fagg0t. The sad thing is this isn't a "hilarious joke" he genuinely thinks that

what a dick.

 

[User removed 4]

We had a very weird bloke in my old London office who was regularly steaming first thing in the morning. He once turned up about 20 minutes late for a massive speech being given by my then company's CEO to group of about 200 oil traders at 10am, already very well oiled. He tried loudly and clumsily to chat up the absolute dragon who gave out the name badges at the back of the room, then he sat down in the audience for about 10 minutes before loudly shouting out in the middle of the speech "I'M BORED. THIS IS BORING. LET'S GO TO THE PUB." He then wrote "would you like to go to the pub?" on a business card and placed that in front of some lady from one of the Spanish oil companies who was sitting next to him. Quite a performance.

Ah the memories of the good old days , argus parties at the roof gardens in Kensington .......

 

[Questions]

There's a bloke in my office who thinks "drinking tea is gay" and by straining the tea bag I "look like a fagg0t. The sad thing is this isn't a "hilarious joke" he genuinely thinks that

Tea drinkers are generally harder than coffee drinkers. Skinny latte against a mug of strong Yorkshire ...
If you got caught drinking a cuppacino on our site you'd be off simple as that. It's these coffee drinkers that are the benders.


And another thing it's always the coffee drinkers who crack first and wash the cups up every few days or so.

 

[Badger]

09.46 The first <rustle, rustle, crunch, chomp, chomp, crunch> packet of CRISPS, of the day.

09.46.

I've found a picture to accompany this

 

[hans kraay fan club]

I've found a picture to accompany this

Oh my ****ing DAYS. It even looks like her. I so, so wish I had the BALLS to print that off and leave it on her desk.

 

[Badger]

Oh my ****ing DAYS. It even looks like her. I so, so wish I had the BALLS to print that off and leave it on her desk.

Oh go on, do it for this thread.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Oh my ****ing DAYS. It even looks like her. I so, so wish I had the BALLS to print that off and leave it on her desk.

You know you want to...

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Oh my ****ing DAYS. It even looks like her. I so, so wish I had the BALLS to print that off and leave it on her desk.

NSC Immortality is within your reach, will you grasp it?