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A Thread full of Joke du Jours



Reading Posh

Sophisticated rhetorician
Jul 8, 2003
1,305
Off M4 J11
Joke du jour...

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

.........




..

"That was Thora Hird."

:wave:
 




Harold

Well-known member
Jul 7, 2003
1,311
Hastings
A really annoying bloke keeps ringing me in work and singing 'Stand And Deliver' down the line.


I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.
 


Superphil

Dismember
Jul 7, 2003
25,680
In a pile of football shirts
Time for a joke or two

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He Figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

The Ventriloquist gestures at the field behind him,
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

The Ventriloquist gestures again.: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a bloody liar"
 


Superphil

Dismember
Jul 7, 2003
25,680
In a pile of football shirts
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?!

"I don't know,"
he blubbers,
"but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"
 


Vinyl Richie

New member
Jul 30, 2003
2,199
Polling North Standers
2 elephants fall off a cliff.........boom boom
 




Herne Hill Seagull

Well-known member
Jul 10, 2003
2,985
Galicia
Bloke goes into a sex shop. Says to the guy behind the counter,

"Scuse me mate - you got any of those phallus shaped candles?"

"Hundreds, why?"

"I suggest you light a few - I've come to disconnect your electricity"



No way I'm wearing a coat in this weather. I'll slip quietly out through a side door........
 


Harold

Well-known member
Jul 7, 2003
1,311
Hastings
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......



BUMP........



BUMP........



BUMP........



Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.



BUMP........



BUMP......



BUMP........



He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.



BUMP........



BUMP........



BUMP........



He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........



BUMP........BUMP.......



BUMP........BUMP.......



BUMP........BUMP........



The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...



He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket,he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed some Benilyn cough mixture and threw it........










































The coffin stopped.
 














Sigull

'Arte et Marte'
Jul 16, 2003
363
Bracklesham Bay
Tracey from Sarfend took a mini skirt to the dry cleaners.
She slapped it on the counter and said "Will it be ready for the weekend"?

"Come again" said the assistant cupping his ear

" Nah" said Tracey "It's mayonnaise this time":lolol:
 








Eddie the Seagull

New member
Jul 6, 2003
2,214
Crowborough
Q: How may Essex girls does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?.

A: Five. One to make the mixture and Four to peel the Smarties.


Q. How do you make an Essex girls eyes light up?

A. Shine a torch in her ear.



Boom...........fliperty..........Boom..................

*groan*

Sorry.............. it's late........I'm tired........I'll get me housecoat...........

:yawn: :yawn: :yawn:
 


Superphil

Dismember
Jul 7, 2003
25,680
In a pile of football shirts
A vampire is walking along the road, minding his own business, when he gets hit on the shoulder by something, he looks down to the floor where it had landed, there was a small sausage roll, he couldn't see where it came from so he carried on.

Then he was hit again, this time there was a vol-au-vent with prawn mayonaise topping, still no-one to be seen.

Hhmmm thought the vampire, this time he kept glancing over his shoulder and then he saw a figure in the bushes behind him throw somthing, this time he was hit by a cocktail stick with cheese and pineapple which had embedded itself in his chest.

The vampire fel to the floor as the figure stepped out from behind the bushes, he called out "who are you?"

The voice replied......


..........




.........





.........





"I'm Buffet the Vampire Slayer"
 


bob monkhouse

Hmmmm........
Jul 6, 2003
398
Liphook
Joke Du Jour

A CONVICT ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAD BEEN KEPT FOR 15 YEARS.

AS HE RUNS AWAY HE FINDS A HOUSE AND BREAKS IN TO IT.

HE FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE GETS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM UP TO THE CHAIR,TIES THE WOMAN TO THE BED AND WHILE HE GETS ON TOP OF HER,HE KISSES HER ON THE NECK,THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

WHILE HE THERE THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE "LISTEN THIS GUY IS PRISONER LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES HE PROBABLY SPENT A LONG TIME IN PRISON, AND HAS NOT SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW THE WAY HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX DONT RESIST,DONT COMPLAIN,JUST DO AS HE TELLS YOU,GIVE HIM SATISFACTION. THIS GUY MUST BE DANGEROUS,IF HE GETS ANGRY HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG HONEY."I LOVE YOU"

TO WHICH HIS WIFE RESPONDS,HE WAS NOT KISSING MY NECK HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR.

HE TOLD ME THAT HE FOUND YOU VERY SEXY, AND ASKED
IF WE KEPT ANY VASELINE IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
 








Vinyl Richie

New member
Jul 30, 2003
2,199
Polling North Standers
What does a Russian use to wipe his mouth?




A Soviet................................. I-thank-you
 


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