Vinyl Richie
New member
A priest, a rabbi and a buddha walk into a bar. The bar man says "is this some kind of joke?"
Got something to say or just want fewer pesky ads? Join us... 😊
A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
Dropkick Turnip
Member
Old joke circa 1986 so my apologies to the younger NSC-ers how might think I've become surreal:
Q: Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?
A: Because Chernobyl fallout.
D'you think anyone will notice if I sneak out the back?
Q: Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?
A: Because Chernobyl fallout.
D'you think anyone will notice if I sneak out the back?
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #123
Blonde ..........
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next to him on the shoulder and says.
" hey do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The guy replies
"look mate I'm blonde, the bouncer is blonde, the very large gentleman stood to the other side of you is also blonde, are you sure you still want to tell that joke.
The blind man thinks about it for a while and replies.
" No, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next to him on the shoulder and says.
" hey do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The guy replies
"look mate I'm blonde, the bouncer is blonde, the very large gentleman stood to the other side of you is also blonde, are you sure you still want to tell that joke.
The blind man thinks about it for a while and replies.
" No, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Vinyl Richie
New member
Did anyone see that crash on London Road this morning?
A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a truck load of terrapins,
It was a turtle disaster...........
A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a truck load of terrapins,
It was a turtle disaster...........
Vinyl Richie
New member
ChapmansThe Saviour said:
you remind me of a pepper-pot, so I'll take that as a condiment
SeagullinKent
New member
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires."I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,(Strong whiskey)" responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob.""Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
SeagullinKent
New member
A blonde girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
SeagullinKent
New member
Why did the seven dwarfs use Daz?
They wanted their little things to come up snow white!
Thats all from me as my Taxi has just pulled up
They wanted their little things to come up snow white!
Thats all from me as my Taxi has just pulled up
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #130
A woman sees a sign in the pet shop window saying
CLITORIS LICKING FROG FOR HIRE.
so she goes inside to enquire and the man behind the counter says
" BONJOUR"
CLITORIS LICKING FROG FOR HIRE.
so she goes inside to enquire and the man behind the counter says
" BONJOUR"
A man says to the wife, its a lovely day out there Iam going to take you and the dog fishing.
'I dont want to go fishing says the wife, I want to go shopping'
'look' says the man if you give me a blow job, I'll consider not going fishing and maybe shopping.
Ok says the wife, upon going down on the man she says 'urghhh your knob tastes of shit'
'Yeah I know' says the bloke.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'The dog didnt wanna go fishing either!'
Hat and coat...........gone (shit its hot)
'I dont want to go fishing says the wife, I want to go shopping'
'look' says the man if you give me a blow job, I'll consider not going fishing and maybe shopping.
Ok says the wife, upon going down on the man she says 'urghhh your knob tastes of shit'
'Yeah I know' says the bloke.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'The dog didnt wanna go fishing either!'
Hat and coat...........gone (shit its hot)
Albion Dan
Banned
Classic Ozzie Joke
>>Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
>>bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she
>>slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
>>
>>She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce
>>came running in.
>>
>>"Bruce, I've gone an' bloody suctioned m'self to the floor" she said.
>>
>>"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
>>
>>"You're stuck like bloody superglue woman, I'll go across the road and get
>>Cobba" (his mate).
>>
>>They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
>>
>>"No way. We can't do it, have ta go with Plan B." Cobba said.
>>"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
>>
>>"I'll go get my hammer and chisel out a the ute and we can break the tiles
>>under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
>>
>>"Spot on, you're a legend" Bruce said.
>>
>>"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." Bruce
>>said.
>>
>>"Play with her tits"? Cobba said,"Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
>>
>>"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
>>slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
>>Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
>>bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she
>>slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
>>
>>She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce
>>came running in.
>>
>>"Bruce, I've gone an' bloody suctioned m'self to the floor" she said.
>>
>>"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
>>
>>"You're stuck like bloody superglue woman, I'll go across the road and get
>>Cobba" (his mate).
>>
>>They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
>>
>>"No way. We can't do it, have ta go with Plan B." Cobba said.
>>"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
>>
>>"I'll go get my hammer and chisel out a the ute and we can break the tiles
>>under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
>>
>>"Spot on, you're a legend" Bruce said.
>>
>>"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." Bruce
>>said.
>>
>>"Play with her tits"? Cobba said,"Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
>>
>>"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
>>slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
joke (humour guarantee)
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. For tomorrow I
take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start
with France. We
shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss, hail
mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says, " He doesn't half talk rubbish eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar arrives back having conquered France and
addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. I have returned
from our campaign in France and, as I promised, we killed 50,000
Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss, hail
mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his rubbish, I'm off
to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to
Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again, "Friends,
Romans and
Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort
those
wicked wascals out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss, hail
mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that
you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it
out and
you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at
Brutus and says,
"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing......................... .
.
.
.
.
.
........Away Gauls count double in Europe."
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. For tomorrow I
take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start
with France. We
shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss, hail
mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says, " He doesn't half talk rubbish eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar arrives back having conquered France and
addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. I have returned
from our campaign in France and, as I promised, we killed 50,000
Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss, hail
mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his rubbish, I'm off
to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to
Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again, "Friends,
Romans and
Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort
those
wicked wascals out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss, hail
mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that
you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it
out and
you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at
Brutus and says,
"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing......................... .
.
.
.
.
.
........Away Gauls count double in Europe."
bhaexpress
New member
Damn, brilliant joke aqnd these dumb Yanks won't get it !
Joke du jour (old but good)
A man went into a sports shop where a pretty young girl was serving at the counter.
"Can I have a packet of condoms please," said the man.
"Pardon," asked the girl bemused.
"A packet of condoms please," he replied. "You know, a pack of three - something for the weekend."
"I think you've come to the wrong place sir - this is a sports shop"
"Right, I'd like to speak to your manager."
The girl went to her manager and told him that there was a guy out the front asking for condoms. "I'll sort this out,” he replied.
The manager approached the man. "My assistant tells me you want a packet of condoms sir"
"Thank goodness you're here," whispered the man. "It was so embarrassing. Really, I'd like to buy a Crystal Palace shirt."
A man went into a sports shop where a pretty young girl was serving at the counter.
"Can I have a packet of condoms please," said the man.
"Pardon," asked the girl bemused.
"A packet of condoms please," he replied. "You know, a pack of three - something for the weekend."
"I think you've come to the wrong place sir - this is a sports shop"
"Right, I'd like to speak to your manager."
The girl went to her manager and told him that there was a guy out the front asking for condoms. "I'll sort this out,” he replied.
The manager approached the man. "My assistant tells me you want a packet of condoms sir"
"Thank goodness you're here," whispered the man. "It was so embarrassing. Really, I'd like to buy a Crystal Palace shirt."