BrightonBird
New member
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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #163
Alan Shearer and Kevin Philips were away with England in Holland when a prostitute propositioned them in a street in Amsterdam.
Kevin asked how much for a little wank?
Then Shearer asked ".... and how much for a superstar?"
Kevin asked how much for a little wank?
Then Shearer asked ".... and how much for a superstar?"
albiongirl
Well-known member
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #167
ART OF NEGOTATION
A MARRIED MAN LEFT WORK EARLY ONE FRIDAY AFTERNOON.
INSTEAD OF GOING HOME HOWEVER, HE SPENT THE WEEKEND(AND HIS MONEY) PARTYING WITH THE BOYS.
WHEN HE FINALLY RETURNED HOME ON SUNDAY NIGHT, HIS WIFE REALLY GOT ON HIS CASE AND STAYED ON IT.
AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS OF SWEARING AND SCREAMING, HIS WIFE PAUSED AND POINTED AT HIM AND MADE AN OFFER -
"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?"
THE HUSBAND COULDN'T BELIVE HIS LUCK, SO HE LOOKED UP, SMILED AND SAID, "THAT WOULD SUIT ME JUST FINE!!"
MONDAY WENT BY THE MAN DID'T SEE HIS WIFE.
TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY WENT BY AND HE SILL DIDN'T SEE HER.
ON THURSDAY, THE SWELING WENT DOWN A BIT AND HE COULD SEE HER A LITTLE JUST OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS LEFT EYE.
A MARRIED MAN LEFT WORK EARLY ONE FRIDAY AFTERNOON.
INSTEAD OF GOING HOME HOWEVER, HE SPENT THE WEEKEND(AND HIS MONEY) PARTYING WITH THE BOYS.
WHEN HE FINALLY RETURNED HOME ON SUNDAY NIGHT, HIS WIFE REALLY GOT ON HIS CASE AND STAYED ON IT.
AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS OF SWEARING AND SCREAMING, HIS WIFE PAUSED AND POINTED AT HIM AND MADE AN OFFER -
"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?"
THE HUSBAND COULDN'T BELIVE HIS LUCK, SO HE LOOKED UP, SMILED AND SAID, "THAT WOULD SUIT ME JUST FINE!!"
MONDAY WENT BY THE MAN DID'T SEE HIS WIFE.
TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY WENT BY AND HE SILL DIDN'T SEE HER.
ON THURSDAY, THE SWELING WENT DOWN A BIT AND HE COULD SEE HER A LITTLE JUST OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS LEFT EYE.
BrightonBird
New member
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell
in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to
herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this
carrying
on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her
car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she
called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to
walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk,
she figured that she would walk off an ill effects by the time she reached
home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and
upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a
surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her
chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove
the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the
telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk
in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around
her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three
more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she
fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the
picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
......
........
..........
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell
in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to
herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this
carrying
on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her
car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she
called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to
walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk,
she figured that she would walk off an ill effects by the time she reached
home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and
upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a
surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her
chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove
the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the
telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk
in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around
her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three
more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she
fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the
picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
......
........
..........
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #169
THIS GUY WALKS INTO A BAR NEAR A CINCERT HALL WITH AN OCTOPUS IN HIS ARMS AND SAYS "I'LL BET ANY OF YOU THAT MY OCTOPUS CAN PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT THAT YOU GIVE HIM"
TWO GUYS BET HIM FIFTY QUID EACH THAT THE OCTOPUS CAN'T PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS.
THE FIST GUY HANDS OVER HIS FRENCH HORN AND TO THE AMAZEMENT OF EVERYONE IN THE BAR, THE OCTOPUS PROMPTLY GRABS THE HORN AND STARTS TO PLAY IT KIKE AN EXPERT.
THE SECOND GUY HANDS OVER HIS TUBA AND SURE ENOUGH THE OCTOPUS PLAYS THAT AS WELL .
THE BARTENDER THEN WALKS INTO THE BACK ROOM AND COMES BACK FIVE MINUITES LATER WITH A SET OF BAGPIPES AND BETS ALL THE MONEY IN THE DRAWER THAT THE OCTOPUS WON'T BE ABLE TO IT.
HE HANDS OVER THE BAGPIPES TO THE OCTOPUS AND WAITS ANXIOUSLY.
AFTER ABOUT A MINUITE OF WATCHING, THE OCTOPUS RUNS ITS TENTACLES SLOWLY OVER THE BAGPIPES. THE OWNER SAYS "COME ON THEN PLAY IT"
THE OCTOPUS REPLYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLAY IT?!"
"IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE TARTAN PYJAMAS OFF IT, I'M GONNA F*CK IT!!"
TWO GUYS BET HIM FIFTY QUID EACH THAT THE OCTOPUS CAN'T PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS.
THE FIST GUY HANDS OVER HIS FRENCH HORN AND TO THE AMAZEMENT OF EVERYONE IN THE BAR, THE OCTOPUS PROMPTLY GRABS THE HORN AND STARTS TO PLAY IT KIKE AN EXPERT.
THE SECOND GUY HANDS OVER HIS TUBA AND SURE ENOUGH THE OCTOPUS PLAYS THAT AS WELL .
THE BARTENDER THEN WALKS INTO THE BACK ROOM AND COMES BACK FIVE MINUITES LATER WITH A SET OF BAGPIPES AND BETS ALL THE MONEY IN THE DRAWER THAT THE OCTOPUS WON'T BE ABLE TO IT.
HE HANDS OVER THE BAGPIPES TO THE OCTOPUS AND WAITS ANXIOUSLY.
AFTER ABOUT A MINUITE OF WATCHING, THE OCTOPUS RUNS ITS TENTACLES SLOWLY OVER THE BAGPIPES. THE OWNER SAYS "COME ON THEN PLAY IT"
THE OCTOPUS REPLYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLAY IT?!"
"IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE TARTAN PYJAMAS OFF IT, I'M GONNA F*CK IT!!"
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #170
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'.
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch."
This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!",screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to
fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall
to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah,who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........................
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'.
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch."
This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!",screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to
fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall
to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah,who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........................
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #171
Stupid Jokes
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, you're right, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, you're right, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Sam
Formerly "Sambo"
Dancin Ninja BHA
Well-known member
- Jul 6, 2003
- 2,260
Crystal Palace gags
Not my own work, sent to me this afternoon, but damn funny nevertheless......
Have you heard that you can now buy Oxo cubes in Palarse colours?
Just ask for laughing stock.
Steve Kember is sending his players for diving lessons 'cos he's heard that there are 40,000 leagues under the sea and he reckons they must be able to win one of them
Steve Kember is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping,
Kember: Can you manage, love?
Old Lady: Up yours, you took the job, you're stuck with it.
Little Johnny : 'Mum I want to be a Palace season ticket holder when I grow up'
Mum : 'Make your mind up Johnny - you can't do both'
A man desperate at Palace's current situation decides to top himself in his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself.
At the very last moment he decides upon wearing his full Palace kit as his last statement. Several days later, a neighbour, catching sight of the hanging corpse, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The neighbour, totally confused, asks why. The cop replies, "It's to avoid embarrassing his family
Money-saving tip for Palace fans:
Don't waste money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large dildo to your forehead. It will be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support!
A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm. "Do you serve Palace fans here?" he asks. "Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator.
"Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and a Palace fan for the alligator."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts back at her "Palace are good enough to win the FA Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
A source inside Camelot has revealed that a man from Croydon was a recent lottery winner. The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Palace. "If my three numbers come up again I'll gladly buy them another!"
Why should Palace fans be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.
If two Palace fans were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
Not my own work, sent to me this afternoon, but damn funny nevertheless......
Have you heard that you can now buy Oxo cubes in Palarse colours?
Just ask for laughing stock.
Steve Kember is sending his players for diving lessons 'cos he's heard that there are 40,000 leagues under the sea and he reckons they must be able to win one of them
Steve Kember is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping,
Kember: Can you manage, love?
Old Lady: Up yours, you took the job, you're stuck with it.
Little Johnny : 'Mum I want to be a Palace season ticket holder when I grow up'
Mum : 'Make your mind up Johnny - you can't do both'
A man desperate at Palace's current situation decides to top himself in his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself.
At the very last moment he decides upon wearing his full Palace kit as his last statement. Several days later, a neighbour, catching sight of the hanging corpse, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The neighbour, totally confused, asks why. The cop replies, "It's to avoid embarrassing his family
Money-saving tip for Palace fans:
Don't waste money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large dildo to your forehead. It will be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support!
A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm. "Do you serve Palace fans here?" he asks. "Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator.
"Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and a Palace fan for the alligator."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts back at her "Palace are good enough to win the FA Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
A source inside Camelot has revealed that a man from Croydon was a recent lottery winner. The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Palace. "If my three numbers come up again I'll gladly buy them another!"
Why should Palace fans be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.
If two Palace fans were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
Robbo
New member
Eggman
Well-known member
Pure genius
Last night there was a robbery at Selhurst Park trophy room. Police are searching for two men carrying a roll of purple and blue carpet.
-
phone call for Steve Kember
'Selhurt's on fire'
'My god, save the cups, save the cups'
'It's ok, it's not reached the canteen yet'
Coat...
-
phone call for Steve Kember
'Selhurt's on fire'
'My god, save the cups, save the cups'
'It's ok, it's not reached the canteen yet'
Coat...
Hilton
New member
Brixtaan
New member
i like the hanging man one.
Quality
