aftershavedave
Well-known member
Hannibal smith said:
very fair point
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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
very fair point
To lighten the mood, it's Friday joke time
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"f*** me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been f***ed by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "I know, but he fingered me first".
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"f*** me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been f***ed by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "I know, but he fingered me first".
Pavilionaire
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 31,269
Sounds more like Michael Barrymore's defence in the Stuart Lubbock swimming pool death enquiry...
Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband, Paul, that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live, maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and again they make love.
Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realised she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." He agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep.
Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and
turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said: "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live, maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and again they make love.
Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realised she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." He agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep.
Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and
turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said: "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
The Large One
Who's Next?
A bloke had this problem that every time he farted, his arse would *rrrpp* Honda, *rrrpp* Honda.
It was a problem he was acutely embarrassed about, so he went to see his doctor. His doctor gave him the once over but couldn't find anything wrong. So the bloke went away but the problems persisted. Eventually, he went to the Honda works doctor. "Doctor, every time I pass wind, it goes *rrrpp* Honda *rrrpp* Honda. Can you help me?"
"Ah so" said the doctor. "I know this problem. It is caused by an abcess."
"Abcess? How do you know this?" asked the bloke.
"Haven't you heard; Abcess make the fart go honda!"
It was a problem he was acutely embarrassed about, so he went to see his doctor. His doctor gave him the once over but couldn't find anything wrong. So the bloke went away but the problems persisted. Eventually, he went to the Honda works doctor. "Doctor, every time I pass wind, it goes *rrrpp* Honda *rrrpp* Honda. Can you help me?"
"Ah so" said the doctor. "I know this problem. It is caused by an abcess."
"Abcess? How do you know this?" asked the bloke.
"Haven't you heard; Abcess make the fart go honda!"
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
boom,boom !
PABLO ESCOBAR
New member
Joke.
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.
So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up.
They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says, "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say,"
Why do you call your man that ?, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.
So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up.
They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says, "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say,"
Why do you call your man that ?, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
Cantona's Flying Dropkick
vidi vici veni
Here's another - Crapstal Palarse.
Vinyl Richie
New member
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Icy Gull
Back on the rollercoaster
- Jul 5, 2003
- 72,015
Anyone for a Joke?
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and
handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One
Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing.At the same time the priest heard rumors of cock-fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will Confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you Will
confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
"Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and
handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One
Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing.At the same time the priest heard rumors of cock-fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will Confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you Will
confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
"Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.
REDLAND
Active member
very good
glosterseagull
New member
- Oct 2, 2003
- 221
A woman walks into the bar and asks the Barman for a Double Entendre.
So the Barman gave her one!
So the Barman gave her one!
Waahay!!
Rougvie
Rising Damp
We need more of the same today
- Aug 7, 2003
- 8,090
A man is driving on the M27 when he is overtaken by a five legged turkey travelling at about 75 mph. He puts his foot down but the turkey accelerates and branches off down a slip road. The driver follows, out of curiosity, and sees the turkey enter a farmyard. He follows and eventually finds the farmer
Driver: I've just seen a five legged turkey run in here at about 50mph.
Farmer: I know, I've got a whole field of them over there.
Driver: Thats fantastic, each member of my family could have a leg each at Christmas. What do they taste like?
Farmer: I dunno, I haven't managed to catch one yet!
Driver: I've just seen a five legged turkey run in here at about 50mph.
Farmer: I know, I've got a whole field of them over there.
Driver: Thats fantastic, each member of my family could have a leg each at Christmas. What do they taste like?
Farmer: I dunno, I haven't managed to catch one yet!
Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
glosterseagull
New member
- Oct 2, 2003
- 221
that one stopped that thread!
100 irishmen running down the hill is called a Navy-lanche!
100 irishmen running down the hill is called a Navy-lanche!