Got something to say or just want fewer pesky ads? Join us... 😊
A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
Brady's Old Lady
New member
I'll never forget during the war my dad used to say "If a bombs got your name on it there's nothing you can do about it!"
That used to worry our neighbours Mr & Mrs Doodlebug!
That used to worry our neighbours Mr & Mrs Doodlebug!
Mr Popkins
New member
i met this dutch girl the other day with huge inflateable shoes,
i phoned her up for a date ,but she,d popped her cloggs!
i phoned her up for a date ,but she,d popped her cloggs!
pissoffpalace
New member
The BBC got complaints there are not enough asian progs on T.V.
It has now been decided to put crimewatch on 3 times a week
It has now been decided to put crimewatch on 3 times a week
Brady's Old Lady
New member
A man goes to the doctors. He says to the doctor "I can't pronounce words beginning with eff or tee aitch" The doctor says "You can't say fairer than that"
Soton Seagull
Well-known member
I saw a woman standing at the side of the road with smoke coming out of her car. I enquired 'Can I help?'
She said 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'You look beautiful and the world's your oyster'
She said 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'You look beautiful and the world's your oyster'
MRRF 10
New member
Artois said:
aftershavedave
Well-known member
joke du jour: oldie but goldie (circa 1995)
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man. Go away!" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront and yells at him; Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says " You not Nissan Maindealer?"
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man. Go away!" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront and yells at him; Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says " You not Nissan Maindealer?"
MRRF 10
New member
Sam
Formerly "Sambo"
not bad is suppose!
NMH
Banned
My mate Nelson would have you necklaced for that .
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
like it !Hannibal smith
New member
Also Old but still funny.
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
As she turns he smiles at her and says, Single, eh?
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're
minging"
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
As she turns he smiles at her and says, Single, eh?
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're
minging"
Sam
Formerly "Sambo"
aftershavedave
Well-known member
Hannibal smith said:
at least mine had a date warning! that one is as old as the hills!
Hannibal smith
New member
afters said:
It so old its almost new.