Mr Popkins
New member
what did the grape say when someone trod on it?
nothing ,it just gave a little wine.
nothing ,it just gave a little wine.
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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
What do you call two rows of cabbages?
A dual cabbageway
A dual cabbageway
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse
Dyslexia lures KO
Dyslexia lures KO
Soton Seagull
Well-known member
Why did Nivea Cream?
Because Max Factor!
Because Max Factor!
Dancin Ninja BHA
Well-known member
- Jul 6, 2003
- 2,260
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Dancin Ninja BHA
Well-known member
- Jul 6, 2003
- 2,260
And another!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin
Dancin Ninja BHA
Well-known member
- Jul 6, 2003
- 2,260
And finally my NSC chums:
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
Boom boom
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
Boom boom
Sully's Moustache
Member
Bored so here's a joke
A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
"What
" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!"
Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you."
The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
"What's up, love?" says the husband.
"There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says in a flood of tears.
"What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
"Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard!" shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..."
A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
"What
" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!" Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you."
The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
"What's up, love?" says the husband.
"There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says in a flood of tears.
"What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
"Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard!" shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..."
Eggman
Well-known member
Cr*p joke
Whats the differance between a family reunion and a 69............
With a 69 you only have to kiss one C*nt.
Sorry, I know, coats on!
Whats the differance between a family reunion and a 69............
With a 69 you only have to kiss one C*nt.
Sorry, I know, coats on!
Last edited:
The Great Cornholio
New member
Friday Jokes
Yes I know a lot of these are old and some have been on here before but they made me laugh this morning
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
>arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
>
>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
>the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your
>kayak and heat it.
>
>So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
>"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
>closest".
>
>You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
>night before and shoot the fox.
>
>The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
>I said "Did you get my drift?".
>
>So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
>this
>vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
>
>I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
>a fast one".
>
>So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
>"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>
>So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
>He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>
>But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
>myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>
>So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
>Wedgie Kray.
>
>So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
>red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
>asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
>
>But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered
competition
>and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>
>So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
>carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
>
>You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
>converter.
>
>So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
>caller", he said "Not you again".
>
>So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
>there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
>salt.
>
>He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
>condiment".
>
>Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
>Goran, even he's a witch.
>
>And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
>bisatchel.
>
>So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
>I said "Are you two an item?".
>
>So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
>thought "That's a turtle disaster".
>
>Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
>your type in here"
>
>A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
>don't start anything"
>
>A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
>this some kind of joke?"
>
>A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
>in here"
>
>Dyslexic man walks into a bra
>
>A seal walks into a club...
>
>A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
>"Pint please, and one for the road."
>
>A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
>the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
>A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
>the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
>hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
>"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't
>stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
>There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
>different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win.
>Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>
>A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
>a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
>Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of
>himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
>that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But
>they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Yes I know a lot of these are old and some have been on here before but they made me laugh this morning
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
>arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
>
>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
>the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your
>kayak and heat it.
>
>So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
>"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
>closest".
>
>You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
>night before and shoot the fox.
>
>The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
>I said "Did you get my drift?".
>
>So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
>this
>vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
>
>I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
>a fast one".
>
>So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
>"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>
>So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
>He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>
>But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
>myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>
>So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
>Wedgie Kray.
>
>So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
>red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
>asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
>
>But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered
competition
>and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>
>So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
>carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
>
>You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
>converter.
>
>So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
>caller", he said "Not you again".
>
>So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
>there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
>salt.
>
>He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
>condiment".
>
>Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
>Goran, even he's a witch.
>
>And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
>bisatchel.
>
>So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
>I said "Are you two an item?".
>
>So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
>thought "That's a turtle disaster".
>
>Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
>your type in here"
>
>A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
>don't start anything"
>
>A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
>this some kind of joke?"
>
>A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
>in here"
>
>Dyslexic man walks into a bra
>
>A seal walks into a club...
>
>A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
>"Pint please, and one for the road."
>
>A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
>the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
>A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
>the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
>hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
>"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't
>stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
>There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
>different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win.
>Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>
>A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
>a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
>Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of
>himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
>that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But
>they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
CAFC Matt
New member
most have been done before though
Still bloody funny though
Vinyl Richie
New member
They're the Peter Kay one liners!!!!!
Missed the one about the ........well below.
2 elephants fall off a cliff, boom boom.
Missed the one about the ........well below.
2 elephants fall off a cliff, boom boom.
Mr Popkins
New member
Jokes anyone?
not an essay please
short and sweet!
and no David blaine/heskey jokes either!!! yooooooou!!!!!
not an essay please
short and sweet!
and no David blaine/heskey jokes either!!! yooooooou!!!!!